El Jalapeño: Disgruntled Quetzalcóatl not recognized on his long-awaited return to Mexico

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VERACRUZ — Quetzalcóatl, the Feathered Serpent, Lord of the Dawn and Creator of Mankind, expressed profound frustration Friday after making his long-prophesied cosmic return to the shores of Veracruz, only to discover that no one seemed to recognize him.

The deity, who descended upon the port city in a blaze of iridescent plumage, windstorms and celestial lightning, reported that despite checking every traditional physical requirement of the Mesoamerican return myth, locals merely asked if he had a reservation for the port tour or if he was part of a promotional campaign for a local craft brewery or something.

“I manifested on the exact promised date, riding a raft of interwoven serpents, wielding the wind of the four cardinal directions, and people just kept walking past me to get iced coffee,” said Quetzalcóatl, speaking to reporters while attempting to parse a laminated city map. “From time immemorial, it has been written that when a bearded figure arrives from the east, he’s coming to reclaim his throne. But apparently times have changed.”

According to municipal officials, the god’s arrival caused minor traffic delays along the malecón, but failed to trigger the existential awe documented in ancient texts.

“We had a gentleman in full ceremonial feathers claiming to control the cycle of Venus and the rebirth of the sun,” said Veracruz transit officer Roberto Morales. “He seemed very surprised when we asked him to move his serpent-raft out of the commercial loading zone. I told him that while we respect cosmic creators, the dock permit guidelines apply universally.”

Sources close to the deity confirmed he attempted several standard divine demonstrations, including summoning localized squalls and speaking in ancient Nahuatl verse, but was repeatedly directed toward the municipal cultural center’s administrative desk.

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