If Russia had interfered with the Brexit vote, Nige would have been the first to know

Let’s face it. The very idea that Russia may have tried to interfere with the Brexit referendum is clearly absurd. I mean, what could a hostile state hope to gain from sowing division between the UK and the EU? We all know that Vladimir Putin has nothing but the best interests of European democracies at heart. That’s why he invaded Ukraine. To help it become a bit more democratic. The sort of democracy which is so highly prized that 99% of its citizens vote for its leader. If only others could be more like Russia.

If anything, Putin would have wanted the UK to remain within the EU and it was only his impartiality that prevented him from saying so. Besides which, why would the Russians want to get involved in anything so politically insignificant as the partial break-up of an organisation it considers an enemy. It just makes no sense. And it’s not as if Russia has any track record of clandestine foreign engagement. Next people will be suggesting Russia paid Reform’s former leader in Wales, Nathan Gill, at least £30,000 to make helpful speeches in the European parliament and recruit other MEPs.

Andy Burnham sees it rather differently. Over the weekend he claimed that since he had become prime minister he had seen incontrovertible proof that the Russians had been involved in a misinformation campaign during the referendum. He didn’t say exactly what form the interference had taken. Merely that it was a reality. So it was no surprise that Nigel Farage was asked for his reaction during a Reform press conference in Kent on Monday morning.

“The prime minister is a liar,” Nige snapped. “Yes, a liar.” Nige was beside himself with anger. He is getting more thin-skinned by the day. This was yet another myth fabricated by the Establishment. Another excuse to try to relitigate the result of the referendum. The whole thing was clearly a plot to undermine him. Everything that ever happens in the world somehow always becomes personal to Nige. His solipsism eclipses everything. We all only exist as satellites of his own imagination. When he dies, we will all die with him. If he hasn’t killed us first.

It was like this. If Russia had tried to interfere with the referendum then he would have been the first to know about it. And frankly he had been deeply disappointed that no one had tried to buy him. Numerous punters had bought him for £80 a pop on Cameo. But despite having billions in petro-roubles, the Russians had blanked him.

First the sound, then the fury. You can almost sense Nige’s desperation these days. It had all been going so well for so long. Reform had been 10 points clear in the polls for the best part of 18 months as Labour and the Tories flatlined. Nige was even being taken seriously as a possible next prime minister. Then along came the financial scandals and the election of Burnham and suddenly Farage found himself marginalised. His politics of grievance were no longer quite so attractive.

Yet Nige can’t help himself. Logic would suggest that if the public mood was shifting more back to the centre ground of traditional two-party politics, then he would be better off heading in that direction himself. Instead, the Mr Nice Guy carapace – “I’m only saying what you’re all thinking” – is falling away. Nige is revealing himself to be a deeply unpleasant person all along. There is no longer the pretence of “let’s just have a pint and some bantz”. Everything has become actively nasty. Retreating to the safe ground of the 15% for whom nothing can ever be nasty enough. So much so that Nige is even back to sharing a platform with Zia Yusuf. A man who makes Honest Bob Jenrick look trustworthy. Almost cuddly.

The Reform roadshow was in Kent to promote Nige and Zia’s war on immigrants. The UK had been invaded and everyone had to go. No exceptions for migrants with winning smiles or tragic backstories. There was no room for Afghan women and children.

This was Toxicity Unfiltered. Prejudice 101. The Americans had removed their bombers from RAF Fairford because of the small boat crossings. He didn’t pause to wonder why the US president had kept some planes at other UK airbases. There would be tariffs on any countries who didn’t want their migrants back. Maybe even airstrikes. Asylum was just a scam, Zia insisted. He would starve the migrants in small boats. Refuse them medicines. Any civil servants who declined to activate the mass deportations would be lined up and shot in front of the white cliffs of Dover.

Come the end we were treated to Nige’s stream of unconsciousness. Ukraine? Well, everyone had their limits and he was a bit fed up with Zelenskyy. You couldn’t go on supporting your allies indefinitely. And what had happened to the Sun? Not so long ago it would print any old bollox Nige told its reporters to write. Now they were daring to be nice to Kemi. It was an outrage. A stitch-up.

Back in the Commons in the afternoon, you could almost feel the years peeling away in a return to the Brexit wars of a decade ago. And that’s without Burnham even suggesting the UK rejoins the EU. All he said was that he would try to reset the relationship in a way that worked for all parties and would grow the economy by £10bn a year. At all stages the British public would be boss. This was far too much for Kemi. Natch. She accused the prime minister of undermining the referendum result – for, er, speaking the truth – and that she would much rather the economy had zero growth than it came at the cost of closer ties with the EU. It was quite like old times. How I’ve missed them.