‘I was beaten, threatened with death, and was told to stay’ – Abuse survivor recounts ordeal in marriage

A survivor of domestic abuse, name withheld, has recounted how a marriage that began despite several warning signs descended into physical violence, threats to kill her, financial control, and emotional abuse.

Ama, who shared her experience on Joy FM’s Super Morning Show during a discussion on why people remain in abusive relationships, said she decided to leave her marriage on her 25th birthday after realising that staying could cost her life.

When asked what finally made her decide to leave, Ama pointed to an incident in which she used a metal bar to defend herself during an attack.

She said she had run from the hall into the bedroom and picked up a bar normally used to bolt the door when her husband rushed towards her.

She used it to strike him in self-defence.

However, she said he subsequently reported that she was the one physically abusing him.

Ama said this accusation changed how she viewed the relationship because it showed her how easily her husband could reverse roles and present himself as the victim.

“For a very long time, I've been suffering, I've been going through this, and the first time I stand up for myself, everything that he has been doing to me, he's turned around and made me the aggressor,” she said.

She described the incident as the beginning of her awakening, helping her recognise that what she was experiencing was neither normal nor an expression of love.

“I started realising that any husband who actually loves his wife will not subject the wife to these types of things,” she said.

“This is not love. This is not protection. This is not care.”

Ama said she made the decision to leave on her 25th birthday. She separated from her husband and later completed the divorce process.

She said she made the decision after spending considerable time weighing the consequences of leaving against the danger of staying in the marriage.

She said the abuse began with emotional manipulation before escalating into physical violence shortly after the marriage.

“Before the marriage itself, we did have a few issues. I did see a few red flags. But I was in love, and I believed that things would change with time,” she said.

Ama said she went ahead with the marriage despite those concerns, hoping her partner’s behaviour would improve.

However, she said the situation deteriorated rapidly after they married.

“Before that, there was emotional abuse. But when we got married, the physical abuse actually started,” she said.

According to her, her husband often took out his frustrations over problems with his business on her, sometimes reacting violently to seemingly minor issues.

She recalled an incident in which he beat her because she had moved a television remote from the place where he normally kept it.

“These little things were what was triggering him,” she said.

When asked about the warning signs she noticed before the marriage, Ama said her partner repeatedly questioned her choice of friends and tried to control important decisions in her life.

She said he would insist that her friends were not good for her, regardless of whether they were male or female, and suggested that she should make him her closest friend instead.

He also expected her to discuss important decisions, including the courses she wanted to take, with him before proceeding.

Ama said he further discouraged her from turning to her family for support, insisting that he was now her family and that she should approach him first whenever she needed help.

Looking back, she believes these behaviours were early attempts to isolate her from people who could have supported her when the abuse began.

“At that age, I didn't realise that he was gradually alienating me from people who would have been my support system at the time I was going through the abuse,” she said.

When asked whether she had discussed the relationship with friends or family before getting married, Ama said she had kept the problems to herself because she believed she was in love.

She said the couple had an understanding that problems within the relationship should not be discussed with outsiders.

“There was this, I don't know if I can call it a rule that we have in the relationship, that whatever issues we have stay in the relationship. We do not discuss our problems with outside people,” she said.

Ama said she only understood much later that what she had interpreted as love was controlling behaviour that left her increasingly isolated.

Ama said the abuse became so severe that she eventually began standing up for herself, talking back to her husband and fighting back when he attacked her.

She also refused to continue having physical intimacy with him.

Her husband subsequently reported her to their church, accusing her of failing to fulfil her duties as a wife.

When asked whether people had tried to persuade her to remain in the marriage, Ama said the church intervened after she disclosed what was happening behind closed doors.

She said her husband had presented a different version of events, portraying himself as the victim and suggesting that she was punishing him for not meeting her demands.

However, when she explained the abuse she had suffered, church leaders realised how serious the situation had become.

Despite this, she said they believed the marriage could be saved and encouraged the couple to attend counselling.

The church also advised her husband to find better ways of expressing his anger, including leaving the house when he felt angry.

Ama said both families were eventually brought into the discussions, but they also believed the marriage could be repaired.

“They were of the view that it could be fixed and that I needed to amend my behaviour so that when he is angry, he would have no reason to take it out on me,” she said.

She rejected that advice, saying that the problem was not her behaviour but her husband's willingness to use violence whenever he wanted to vent his frustration.

“I didn't need to do anything necessary. And also, I was the one in the situation. I was the one feeling the fire,” she said.

“Everybody else telling me to wait or telling me to fix it or telling me to stay were not the ones being subjected to the beating.”

Ama said she eventually decided that she could no longer continue living in the marriage, regardless of the expectations of others.

Beyond the physical violence, Ama said her husband controlled her access to money and prevented her from working.

She explained that she married shortly after completing her national service and was not allowed to take up employment.

As a result, she depended entirely on her husband for financial support and had to ask him whenever she needed money.

She said there were times when he treated the money he gave her as an act of charity rather than a responsibility within the marriage.

“There was a point he even said that was charity, that he was doing me a favour,” she said.

Ama also described how her husband regularly insulted her, compared her with his former girlfriend and other men's wives, and told her that nobody else would want to marry her.

She said the verbal abuse was not limited to their home but also occurred in public.

Recounting one incident during a journey, she said her husband became angry when she appeared to be falling asleep and began insulting her in front of other passengers.

She said she was afraid to respond because doing so could make the situation worse.

“He would even scream some more, saying that I am rude and that when my husband was talking, I'm talking back and all of that,” she said.

Ama said the experience was humiliating, particularly because her husband had already created the impression that she was responsible for the problems in their marriage.

She added that he also pressured her to attend family events and engage in physical intimacy, making her feel that refusing him meant she did not love him or was disgracing him.

The cumulative effect of the abuse, she said, took a serious toll on her mental health.

She was eventually diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and an anxiety disorder, which she attributed to her experiences during the marriage.

One of the most serious incidents Ama recounted involved an attack that left her with a black eye and permanent damage to the nerves in one of her eyes.

When asked whether the abuse had ever resulted in a hospital visit, she confirmed that she had suffered an injury that affected her vision.

She said the damage had left her with distorted vision in one eye, a condition she would have to live with for the rest of her life.

Ama said her husband apologised repeatedly before taking her to hospital and begged her not to tell medical staff what had really happened.

Instead, she said, he instructed her to claim that she had fallen while sleeping and hit her head against a bedside table.

“He made sure that that was what happened because when we got to the hospital, he insisted on being part of the consultation,” she said.

Ama explained that her husband remained present during her treatment, leaving her afraid to disclose the truth.

When asked why she had been so frightened of him, she said he had threatened to kill her on two occasions.

She said she believed the threats because he repeatedly claimed that his family background and influence would protect him from the consequences of his actions.

“He had threatened to kill me, not once but twice,” she said.

“I was actually scared that it would happen.”

Ama said these threats also contributed to her decision not to report the abuse to the police at the time.

She feared that taking action could cost her life and doubted whether the authorities would be able to protect her, given her husband's claims about his influential background.

Ama also recounted an incident in which her husband attacked her after becoming angry that she had been making plans to apply for jobs without telling him.

She said she had started looking for work secretly because she was not allowed to work openly.

After an argument, she said her husband began beating her, forcing her to run out of the house almost naked.

She said he then locked her outside, leaving her standing in the compound for more than an hour.

People nearby witnessed what had happened, she added.

The incident was one of the few occasions when others had a clearer view of the abuse she was experiencing.

Ama said neighbours had previously heard her shouting, particularly after she began fighting back, but they did not necessarily understand the circumstances behind the arguments.

She recalled that one neighbour had tried to advise her, apparently believing that she was a nagging wife who needed to complain less.

Ama said she did not explain what was happening and simply thanked the person for the advice.

She believes her husband's efforts to portray her as the source of their marital problems made it harder for people to recognise her as the victim.

Reflecting on life after the marriage, Ama said therapy had played an important role in helping her rebuild her confidence and mental strength.

She also said reconnecting with supportive people had been essential to her recovery.

“I was able to build back my mental strength and my self-esteem from my therapy sessions,” she said.

“Another thing that has been useful is rebuilding my support system.”

Ama said surrounding herself with people who encouraged her, rather than making her feel defined by her past, had helped her move forward.

Her experience, she said, had taught her the importance of recognising unhealthy behaviour early and refusing to dismiss warning signs in the hope that a partner would change.

When asked what advice she would give to people experiencing similar abuse, Ama urged those in relationships to take warning signs seriously rather than assuming that controlling or abusive behaviour would improve with time.

“If you are in a relationship, you shouldn't ignore the signs,” she said.

She encouraged people to pay attention when a partner attempts to control their friendships, isolate them from family, dictate their decisions or make them feel worthless.

For those who are married and considering leaving an abusive relationship, she advised them to plan carefully and seek appropriate legal support.

“If you are married, you should also leave. But you should be very strategic about it,” she said.

“Because if you make your plans known, you might probably not get out of it quickly or as a full human being, if I can put it that way.”

She advised those planning to leave to get a lawyer and proceed with divorce where appropriate, while taking their personal safety into account.

Ama acknowledged that divorce often carries social stigma, particularly in communities where people are pressured to preserve their marriages regardless of what happens behind closed doors.

She believes this pressure can keep people in dangerous situations long after they have realised that the relationship is harming them.

But she said fear of judgement should not prevent anyone from seeking safety and rebuilding their life.

“Honestly, there's life after divorce,” she said.

“You will find yourself again. The things that you've been restricted to do, the friends and family that you don't have access to, you can have all of that back.”

For Ama, leaving was not simply the end of a marriage. It was a decision to reclaim her safety, independence, and future after years of abuse.

“You just need to get out of that situation first, and then you'll be fine.”

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