‘Rohan called me an idiot!’ How can parents handle squabbles between kids?

School holidays inevitably mean more squabbles. Longer days together, less structure, and more sharing (of toys, screens, space and parental attention) all lead to children demanding you referee fights and arguments.

“Alice took my Minecraft book!” “Rohan called me an idiot!”

So how can we respond fairly to a fight (even if we didn’t see it), and help our children learn to sort things out themselves?

Be nearby to support, not to act as the judge

Research suggests children learn best when adults offer fairly minimal support, and encourage kids to resolve conflict themselves. These squabbles are excellent practice for the conflict we all face throughout life, and the more we step in, the fewer chances children have to build these skills.

So it is helpful for adults to be nearby and available, but not stepping in to directly manage the situation every time.

Only jump in with immediate intervention to ensure safety: “We don’t hurt each other’s bodies”. If things escalate or are one-sided, it might also be time to step in. For example, “We don’t speak to each other like that”.

When you’re pulled in to a dispute, resist running a court case. Rather than adjudicating, we want to build our children’s empathy and conflict resolution skills. Every child is different, and there’s usually more going on than a simple “right” or “wrong”. One child might explode over something genuinely unfair, then be blamed for their big reaction. Another might get carried away in an exciting game and play too roughly without meaning to.

Focus on the feelings, not the facts

It’s tempting to demand an immediate apology: “Say sorry to your sister!” However, most children won’t give a genuine apology unless they feel understood themselves.

Children live at the centre of their own world. This is healthy development, rather than selfishness, but it means they may struggle to understand someone else’s point of view – particularly if they’re upset.

In fact, we all want to feel understood, and it’s very difficult to empathise with someone else until we feel heard ourselves.

It can help to ask each child what happened, and validate their point of view. Our role is not to judge or decide, but to acknowledge that everyone’s perspectives and feelings matter. “Rohan, I can see it really upset you when Alice took your Minecraft book.” “Alice, I can see it hurt you when Rohan called you an idiot.”

This is emotion coaching: treating feelings as opportunities for connection and learning, rather than problems to shut down.

There’s an extra benefit. Even really young children understand basic rules (we don’t take other people’s things), so repeating them too often feels like a lecture, and children stop listening. Hearing the direct impact of their actions is far more powerful: when we describe Rohan’s feelings, Alice learns empathy and perspective-taking. But children only take this in when they feel heard themselves.

Too upset to talk? Take a break and debrief later

If everyone’s too upset, it’s better to pause the activity (and the debrief about the fight). Nobody is at their best when they’re upset, our brains simply don’t work as well, and problem-solving when we’re overwhelmed rarely goes anywhere.

“You’re both really upset. Let’s take a break and sort this out when everyone’s calm.”

If fights are common in your house, or a particular activity often causes fights, it can help to set up a “break” activity in advance that suits each child. “Team, if you fight during this board game and can’t sort it out between you, we’re going to have a ten-minute break – trampoline for you, Alice, and some drawing for you, Rohan.”

The crucial step is to remember to come back and complete the debrief when everyone is calm – this is where the learning happens. For example, “What could you do better next time?” You can do this all together, or separately with each child if the fight was particularly upsetting, or if talking together might reignite the fight.

Children who come up with the solution themselves are far more likely to keep to it. Younger children might need some prompts: “Could you take turns? What else could you try?”

Show kids how to say sorry

Children learn to manage conflict by watching us. As parents, we don’t need to be perfect or always in control: it’s healthy for children to see us making mistakes. We can model repair with small things. “I got cross and snapped. I’m sorry. Next time I’ll take a minute before we talk.”

Admitting to mistakes is hard for us all. When children see us own up to our mistakes, especially those involving them, they learn it’s safe to be vulnerable, and it becomes easier for them to admit their own mistakes and make amends.