We all need support, By Yemi Adetayo

Sometimes, the person who looks strongest in the room is the one who is silently falling apart. Let me start with a story of a man I will call Ogede. Not his real name. He was a hardworking man. Responsible. Dutiful. The kind of person people could count on. When there was work to be done, he showed up. When people needed help, he was available.

But he was going through a lot. Things were difficult at home. His wife had become increasingly demanding, and despite his efforts, he struggled to meet all the financial responsibilities of the family. He was bullied, talked down to and emotionally wounded. At some point, intimacy disappeared from the marriage, not for weeks or months, but eventually for years. Yet he said nothing.

He believed he could work through it himself. And for a while, he did a remarkable job of masking the pain. At work, he became more committed. He worked hard, sometimes going the extra mile. In church, he was supportive and dependable. He was willing to serve, helped others, he was there for everyone.

People saw a hardworking, loving and dependable man. They unfortunately, did not see a man who was dying slowly inside.

Ogede had become very good at functioning while hurting. Somewhere along the way, he slipped into depression without recognising what was happening to him. Instead of seeking help, he became more absorbed in work. Work became an escape for him. Service became a distraction. Keeping busy became a way of avoiding the pain he did not know how to confront.

Then tragedy struck. He suffered a stroke and, within a few days, passed away. His story is painful because it reminds us of something we often forget: A person can be functioning and still be falling apart. Some people are going to work every morning with a broken heart. Others are attending church with challenges they have never shared. Some people are smiling on social media while fighting battles they cannot explain.

Why will you be providing for everyone else while wondering who will support you emotionally. You cannot be saying everything is fine when you know you need support.

You Don’t Have to Carry Everything Alone

There is a dangerous idea in our society that asking for help is a sign of weakness. It is not. Knowing when you need help is a sign of self-awareness, not weakness. You are human. You will have moments when you are overwhelmed, confused, exhausted, grieving, afraid or emotionally depleted. You don’t have to understand everything by yourself. You don’t have to solve every problem by yourself. And you don’t have to pretend to be strong every day. Sometimes, the strongest thing you can do is say: I need help. That help may come through a trusted friend, family member, mentor, pastor, counsellor, psychologist, doctor or another qualified professional.

Don’t Wait Until You Break

One of the greatest mistakes people make is waiting until a crisis becomes unbearable before seeking help. We service our cars before they break down. We go for medical check-ups. We work on repairs at home when we notice structural problems. But when it comes to our emotional and mental health, we often say, I will be fine.

Please don’t wait until you completely break down before seeking help. Persistent sadness, hopelessness, withdrawal, irritability, constant exhaustion, loss of interest in things you once enjoyed, sleep or appetite changes, difficulty concentrating, excessive worry and feeling unable to cope are signs that deserve attention. They are not things to be ashamed of. They are signals that you are becoming depressed, they are signs that you need help. Remember, your mind also needs care.

Stop Using Busyness to Hide Pain

Being busy does not necessarily mean you are okay. Some people work excessively because they don’t want to go home and face the problem waiting at home for them. Some become deeply involved in church activities because serving others is easier than confronting their pain. Some constantly make themselves available to everybody because they are afraid to sit alone with their thoughts.

There is nothing wrong with hard work, service or commitment. But productivity should never become a hiding place for unresolved pain. You can be productive and still need help. You can be successful and still need counselling. You can be a leader and still need someone to talk to. You can be a pastor, manager, father, mother, husband, wife, professional or community leader, and still need support. In fact, we all need support.

We Also Need to Learn to Notice People

Let us also be our brothers keeper, either at home or at work. When someone who is usually cheerful suddenly becomes withdrawn, don’t always assume they are being proud. When someone stops communicating, don’t immediately label them difficult. When a colleague’s performance changes, don’t be too quick to call them lazy. When a friend repeatedly says, I’m tired, don’t always respond with, Everybody is tired.

Sometimes, people are not asking you to solve their problems. They just need someone safe enough to listen. Ask people how they are doing, and mean it. Listen without judging. Create spaces where people can speak without being mocked.And when a problem is beyond what you can handle, encourage the person to seek professional help.

Your Mental Health Matters

We must stop treating mental health as though it is less important than physical health. The mind influences how we think, feel, relate, work, make decisions and respond to life.

Taking care of your mental health is not an admission that you are weak. It is an investment in your life. And seeking professional help does not mean you have failed spiritually. Faith and professional support are supposed to coexist. Prayer is important, but there are situations where prayer should be accompanied by wise counsel, psychological support or medical attention.

Don’t spiritualise every problem that requires intervention. Sometimes you need prayer. Sometimes all you need is a conversation. Sometimes counselling is all you need to be fine, at some other time, all  may need is just medical attention. And Sometimes you need a combination of them all. Please seek help anytime you are troubled.

And If You Are the One Struggling

Please hear this: You matter. Your pain matters. Your emotional wellbeing matters. You don’t have to keep pretending that everything is okay when it isn’t. Talk to someone you trust. Seek professional help when necessary.

If your home environment is hurting you, don’t suffer silently. Seek wise, safe and appropriate support. If you feel overwhelmed, don’t isolate yourself. And if you are having thoughts of harming yourself or feel that you cannot keep yourself safe, seek immediate help from a trusted person, a counsellor, mental health professional, a doctor. Don’t keep your challenges bottled up in yourself. It could get exploded and when it does, you may not remain the same. Learn to speak out.

There is no prize for suffering silently. There is no medal for pretending to be okay. There is no virtue in allowing yourself to completely collapse before you ask for help.

We All Need Support

Perhaps the greatest lesson from Ogede’s story is not that we should be afraid of life. It is that we should not face life alone. Behind many strong faces are private battles. Behind many smiles are untold stories.

Behind many successful people are moments when somebody helped them stand. Please check on your people. Check on your spouse, your friend, colleague, children, and most importantly, check on yourself. You were not designed to carry every burden alone.

Sometimes, the help you need is not a sign that you are weak; it is the support that can help you remain standing. Strength is not the absence of struggle; sometimes, strength is having the courage to say, I cannot carry this alone. I need help. Learn to speak out please

Let us build a culture where asking for help is not a source of shame. Let us stop celebrating people simply because they can suffer silently. Let us learn to listen before people collapse, to support before they break, and to seek help before pain becomes a crisis. You don’t have to carry all your burdens alone.

We all need support.

Yemi Adetayo is a leadership and performance consultant, counsellor and transformational catalyst. He can be reached through: [email protected]