El Jalapeño: US politicians viciously harangue journalist who questions their lack of civility

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WASHINGTON, District of Columbia — A joint campaign event held on Capitol Hill descended into hostile shouting Monday after a reporter dared to ask whether candidates running in the upcoming midterm elections might consider adopting a slightly milder tone on the trail.

The campaign event, held ahead of the upcoming midterm elections, became heated when a journalist pointed out that describing political rivals in TV ads as “communist saboteurs plotting to steal your groundwater” might be hindering civil discourse.

“How dare you question my absolute, unyielding commitment to respect and decorum, you total hack?” shouted one incumbent senator, pounding a podium while gesturing aggressively toward the press pool. “I have dedicated my entire midterm campaign to promoting mutual understanding, and anyone who claims otherwise is a radical traitor who deserves to be stripped of their credentials, horse-whipped and deported.”

According to witnesses, the campaign atmosphere further deteriorated when a visiting Mexican diplomat politely noted that political leaders in her country routinely manage to address policy disputes and host elections without accusing their opponents of being existential threats to human progress. The suggestion that public servants could run for office without resorting to daily character assassination was immediately denounced by candidates from both parties as an unprovoked attack on American democratic tradition.

“Civility is the bedrock of our republic, and I will personally ruin the career of anyone who implies our campaign strategy lacks it,” added a congressional candidate, adjusting his tie while glaring directly into the camera. “We are running to lead by example, and if the press refuses to report on how overwhelmingly polite and constructive our attack ads are, then the media is the enemy of harmony.”

By the conclusion of the half-hour briefing, three separate political campaigns had issued formal press releases condemning the concept of polite dialogue as an aggressive partisan maneuver, even as several campaign aides handed out informational brochures detailing their candidates’ lifelong passion for peaceful consensus.

At press time, midterm organizers were reportedly drafting a bipartisan resolution that would officially classify any future questions regarding campaign tone, candidate manners or basic decency as deliberate acts of war.

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