Below Deck 13 episode 3 recap: service with a slap

“There was some small missteps” one of the new Below Deck season 13 told chief stew Fraser about his team’s failure to leave her red wine on her bedside table, as requested.

Rosa was perfectly pleasant when this guest, Melani—brother to the primary’s partner; it’s always the friend-of-a-friend who are the biggest jerks!—came upstairs to ask about her chips and nuts and wine. “I asked like 30 minutes ago just for a bowl of nuts and chips,” she said. “We had a discussion about it. Didn’t you remember?” Rosa didn’t; Melani talked to someone else.

Melani reported this conversation to Fraser like this: “I don’t like being talked to like I’m the asshole.” But she absolutely does love talking to other people like they’re the asshole!

And that sums up this new group. When Fraser said “these motherfuckers are making it so clear that they want what they want when they want it. It’s incessant,” I thought, Isn’t that your job? And isn’t it nice that they’re being clear? I’m not sure if he knows what his job is any more, considering last charter the guests asked for chips and he said no.

But this new charter’s guests were super-annoying. I think it’s their random requests, which come every other second, and then they keep repeating the same things.

Individually, there’s no issue with the requests. Melani wanted anchovies, so she asked Fraser. Fine. But then she asked another stew for canned fish. And when she was told there weren’t any, she told Fraser she’s “obsessed with anchovies but it’s not your fault.” All of this for something she didn’t even put on her preference sheet!

Melani and Robby both apparently had a private chef growing up, and I am very surprised that chef didn’t poison them. Or maybe they did and we’re seeing the effects.

At their cultural appropriation dinner—Seriously, what the fuck was that?—primary partner Robby would not shut up. “These are the nicest wine glasses we have here?” “Do you have some lemon?” The red wine was “way too hot” and needs to be chilled but “not ice cold, but even if it gets cold, we can wait for it.” OMG SHUT UP.

One of the reasons Below Deck endures for me is watching how the crew navigates these kinds of requests. And Fraser does it by whining just as much as they are.

In the most stunning moment, at breakfast, a guest, who I’ll call Headband because I didn’t catch her name, asked for a bunch of modifications to her Eggs Benedict, and then later requested her English muffin to be extra-toasted.

“I’ll just take whatever you bring me,” she said. Compared to her table mates: pretty nice! Fraser walked through the swinging door to the pantry, looked at the camera operator who was right there, and said, “I’ll bring you exactly what you want. A fucking slap in the face you horrible cunt. I hope she chokes on this caviar.”

There’s someone who loves his job.

Recapping requests, he said, “That bitch wants that, that turd wants that, one asshole wants that, who the fuck knows what she wants.” Turd is so much more delightful than the b-word! I’m a gay guy who cannot stand the overuse of the word “bitch” on Drag Race and casual conversation, so I could use about 100 percent less misogyny in Fraser’s frustration.

Two more things about Fraser:

1. I appreciated that he stood up for Rosa and talked to her to find out what happened from her POV. “I’m going to trust my stew, the sober one, over this witch,” Fraser said.
2. On Watch What Crappens last week, Ben did an amazing impression of Fraser-as-virtual assistant that had me cracking up (For example: “Are you feeling a bit like the message coming from Rainbow is a bit strong? I’m a virtual assistant, so please, just explain in your clearest words, how I can help you. Let me pretend as if I will hear any sort of question that you have, but ultimately funnel you into one of two options that I’m given.”)

   So when Fraser actually used ChatGPT or another one of those AI chatbots to get information to help with his Party City decor, I lost it. The chatbots are programmed to be obsequious above all else—flatter the user; screw accuracy—and when it wouldn’t shut up, I just kept thinking about those videos where someone makes two chatbots talk to each other. Bot: “Have a fantastic time with your event.” Fraser bot: “Thank you, that’s enough now.”

Here is one of those videos for your enjoyment:

The episode introduced the guests as if they’d be the biggest problem for Moe, but he got to work prepping the night before, and they all seemed generally thrilled with his food, despite requests for finishing salt and lemon.

I am worried for Moe, however, with the preview for next week showing some kind of confrontation in public, and with the editing focusing on him so much despite how easygoing and successful he’s been.

In Below Deck: Love Island news, the producers have once again managed to find a fuckboy deckhand who wants to pretend that he’s not one, and a stew whose issues lead her to fall for that guy in one second.

“It’s not like a one-night stand for me” Kaylee said, after having a one-night stand with Matt. But she started dropping words like marriage and boyfriend, and those red flags were flying.

Matt’s cheated in the past (“not too sure why I made that decision”) and Kaylee’s been in an abusive relationships but still wants to give toxic men a second chance. Oh no.

But Matt told Kaylee he wants to be exclusive, because “I don’t want to be a fuckboy” and there is “no one else on the boat that I’m interested in.” How many episodes until the producers bring in a new crew member for him to be interested in?

Matt is also busy playing Joe’s other role: undermining the bosun. “He should be here helping us. Those small things piss me off,” Matt told James while Alex went on an excursion.

And Alex isn’t helping. He gave a stern lecture to the deck team when they arrived late while putting on his belt and looking like he was going to fall over asleep.

Then he did boss things like telling Matt “you’ve made your bed and fucked in it” and sharing that he kissed Sen, Matt’s co-worker.

So I guess it’s no wonder that Captain Kerry is playing Captain Sandy and micromanaging the shit out of the deck team. Will Alex be the first to go?

Other requests I have of this episode:

• One of the guests, Jason, claimed to have invented acrobatic yoga, something that was practiced in the 1930s. Maybe he meant that he was first to found a company called AcroYoga. Jason made it easy to find his website by putting “Featured on Below Deck” in the title, and has turned it into an offer for Below Deck fans. Smart, I guess, if watching Fraser being tumbled around like socks in a dryer looks like fun.
• “Make sure you empty it every morning; I don’t want any semen in my hot tub,” Robby, I think, told Fraser. But what about on your sheets?
• “They want fancy shit but I’m not that kind of chef. Dominican food is love,” Moe told us. “I prefer ugly delicious over fine dining any day.” Ditto!

• During the preference sheet meeting, there was a spectacular red sky and sun behind Fraser, which I thought was a TV screensaver. But it was actually the sunset! Thailand is beautiful, even if everyone there is sweating to death.
• “We have some peace and quiet on the boat,” Kerry said when the guests left for the excursion. Cue breaking glass noise. Even though I’m sure those events took place at completely different times, it’s fun editing.
• Rainbeau is suddenly using a British accent, which is hilarious mostly because it’s driving Fraser bonkers. “This British accent thing is grating—not only is it fucking annoying, it’s weird. What are you doing? Stop it.” Does it sound like your chatbot is talking back to you, Fraser?

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