Southern Charm season 12 premiere: Shep-ing, boundaries, and babies

Keeping with tradition, Southern Charm season 12 opens with the love-child accusation in Maui before jumping back in time three months, landing us in a budding, springtime Charleston.

Two months have passed since the reunion in New York City, where it appears a lot happened behind the scenes that we didn’t get to see. More on that later. 

Catching up with the cast, we see Austen dressing up his cats, Piper and Martini, for an IG photoshoot, and Craig returning home from his solo expedition to Switzerland to “force himself into isolation” and process the reunion. Time will tell if not speaking to anyone and snowboarding in the Alps was the healing Craig needed. 

While catching up with his assistant back home, the two allude to Craig’s life as the perfect setup for a Hallmark movie: small-town lawyer who makes pillows, looking for love. It’s not a joke.

Craig is starring in Bravo’s first scripted micro drama, Charmed by a Southern Monster, and slated to appear in the upcoming indie dramedy Caroline Fletcher.

For all the personal drama Craig has created among the cast, no one can dispute the fact that he knows how to work his position as Bravolebrity to his advantage. Hello, a giant Sewing Down South storefront on King Street downtown Charleston that I walk by on a weekly basis. Have I bought pillows from him, you ask? I’ll never tell. (I have.)

Shep is still Shep-ing. Yes, that is a verb. He’s grown a nice beard but hasn’t grown up. At this point, can’t we just accept him for who he is? I want to believe it until he says things like he’s still single because he hasn’t met someone that “demanded his full attention.” 

Salley nurses a hangover with the help of Venita over FaceTime. The friends appear to be back on solid-ish ground, with Venita admitting she keeps the peace by keeping her mouth shut about Salley’s love life. Not exactly the way friendship works, but if it’s a step toward repair, then so be it.

And Salley finally got to say her piece about Austen’s “bar rat” comments during the reunion. He apologized, and Salley got a new therapist. Phew! 

We get to spend a day in the life with Mommy Madison—the best part of the episode in my humble, YouTube DITL-video-loving opinion. I remember those days like they were yesterday. The exhaustion, the monotony, the frustration of having an infant who doesn’t sleep through the night. Her honesty leaped off the screen, and mothers everywhere can relate and commiserate. Thanks for putting it on TV, Madison. And how cute is baby Teddi?! 

It’s been a while since we had a season where the Charmers forgot there are other people in the world to date besides other cast members. I’m thinking about season one, where a beautiful 21-year-old redhead stole the hearts of all four men.  It looks like that old pattern will repeat itself this season.

I’ll do my best to catch you up to speed. A Venn diagram would work better, but here goes:

• Molly is newly single, having broken up with her older boyfriend due to “scheduling conflicts.” 
• Austen and Salley are NOT together. But don’t ask Salley. She and Austen talk all the time, go out together, and occasionally “make out.” I feel like I’m talking about high schoolers, but that’s the story we got from both sides. Is make out a euphemism, the way we used “hook up”? Who just makes out? 
• Austen was dating Allie during the reunion, a secret he kept from Sallie and perhaps the answer to why he acted strange and mean toward her during the reunion. Not an excuse, but now it makes more sense.
• Whitner is sending thirst traps to Venita and Molly.
• Venita likes Whitner.
• Whitner likes Allie.

Did you keep up? That’s where we are so far. It’s only going to get more complicated from here. Maybe I’ll create a flow chart next time? 

Venita hosted the first of many parties of the season, called Garden of Eden, a way to kick off Springtime in Charleston—i.e. a way to put everyone in a condensed, hot space, fuel them with alcohol, and see what happens. The outdoor courtyard was dripping in party lights and flowers, and the cast were dripping in garden-themed fashion. 

Whitner bumbles his way through asking Allie on a date. While Salley and Austen set boundaries for their friendship: no kissing and no touching. That seems about as likely as Shep getting married in 2027, but I appreciate the entertaining conversation nonetheless, especially with the other cast members standing on the sidelines lip-reading the whole thing.

Venita drops the truth bomb on Salley—he’s just not that into you, and everyone knows it. Salley knows it too. 

Madison drops more truth in her confessional interview about Austen and Salley, when she asks how a man will respect you if you don’t respect yourself. I may not agree with the first part; a man should respect you, period. But I get what she’s saying. The world needs more women who will speak up for themselves, Madison declares, saying she will make sure Teddi knows how to use her voice. 

The party drama was real, but my favorite parts had nothing to do with who’s dating who. I’m here for the humor:

• Molly telling Whitner that the cello is the stringed version of the euphonium.
• Madison saying chipped nails means dirty panties. 
• Shep’s salt-and-pepper beard, which got way more screen time than a beard should. 

In a surprising turn of events, the episode ends on a cliffhanger with Allie pulling Austen aside to say that Shep told her Austen stopped liking her because she wouldn’t sleep with him. There is more to this story than we realized, and I’m staying tuned for what happens next!

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