'You can't fix this': Navigating the grief of losing a child

Our recent story about parents who have experienced the loss of a child struck a chord with many readers, who then shared their own journey with us.

This is how they've navigated the grief.

'Grateful for having him in our lives'

Troy — 51

"Five years ago, my son Kurtis went to sleep and didn't wake up.

He was 10 years old.

I get asked all the time, "How do you live with not knowing what happened?"

But the way I look at it is simple. What if they told you it was something that you could have avoided? How would your life be?

I'm not super religious, but I just think if God needed someone for a little job, they chose the right kid.

When I get up to heaven and see him again, I'm going to be so proud of him.

I do things that help keep me connected with Kurtis. I swim, I watch videos of him, I talk about him a lot.

We used to skateboard together all the time. One day, I did the same lap of the path 80 times with tears in my eyes. I didn't care what people thought.

I also needed to get out of my job in real estate because I didn't know how to get on the phone and pretend to be happy.

My younger son Henderson and I also build an art memorial each year on Kurtis' anniversary, and we leave it there so people can see it and get to know him.

For anyone who's trying to support someone that's going through this grief, you just need to understand that you can't fix it.

You've got to let people be.

You'd be better off spending time helping them fold clothes. All the basics are the hard things to keep up with when you're going through it.

And if you're the one grieving, base yourself around the people who are helpful and stay away from ones who are negative."

'We light a candle for him each month'

Geoff — 69

"My wife and I lost our son Andrew on Christmas Eve, in 2021, when he and a friend were electrocuted in an accident on a property near Goulburn.

Andrew, who was 31, was due to get married some weeks later.

Every morning I would wake up after Andrew's death and my body would have to relive the pain.

This went on for two and a half years. It was exhausting.

I think my wife and I were both very fortunate because people really did embrace us.

We were supported, and people listened to us in our grief.

I was encouraged by my family to go back to work as a church minister after having six months off.

Work really helped because it distracted me, and distraction is important.

Having experienced that grief gave me an insight which I didn't otherwise have.

I can sit with someone and intuitively understand their pain in a way that I couldn't before.

It's a loss you have to somehow embrace.

[Embrace] is an odd word to use and that's why I use it, because I think in a sense I had to embrace the death of Andrew, I had to accept it.

We light a candle for him on the 24th of each month.

Needless to say, those times are hard.

My wife and I simply close the front door and keep to ourselves on those days."

'There are always going to be triggers'

Anne (not her real name) — 64

"My teenage daughter died on the way to a sports tournament 20 years ago in Tasmania.

It still impacts me when I hear about a young person who has died.

One of the worst things was dealing with the media and public voyeurism. I had a call from a reporter less than an hour after she died.

The more people want to know, the more pressure there is on families to give information.

I was told two years after it happened, 'You should be getting over it by now.'

But someone doesn't just stop grieving. There's always going to be triggers — every birthday, every Christmas, every Easter.

It's a very hollow thing to go through.

We are all different and therefore deal with grief in different ways.

If you wanted to talk to someone about it, the simple question is, 'Is it OK to ask you some questions about your child or your grief?'

I love talking about my daughter with her friends and family as it keeps her alive in my memory.

We need to talk about death more so we can cope better when someone dies.

There are countries that celebrate death. It seems strange, but I think it's healthy.

If you go and talk to a professional about your grief, or someone from a support group, if you don't click with them, that's OK, but don't stop there.

Because that's what happened to me, I went, 'This doesn't feel right.'

I think it's really important to follow up and not be scared to try again.

I found talking to someone who I connected with really important, and I still do it."