‘You have to change yourself a lot’: Divyanka Tripathi challenges the idea that real love is effortless

Divyanka Tripathi on the reality of long-term relationships (Source: Instagram/Divyanka Tripathi Dahiya)

When people talk about healthy relationships, the message often revolves around acceptance. But anyone who has been in a long-term relationship knows that love isn’t static. In an interview, Divyanka Tripathi reflected on this often-ignored reality of partnership.

During an interview with Bollywood Bubble, she shared, “Those who say that there is no change in love, all acceptance, you have to change yourself a lot in love.” Her point challenges the romanticised idea that love should feel effortless or that two people should fit together without adjustments.

However, she emphasised an important distinction between changing for love and forcing someone else to change. “And the problem is when you want to change someone else. That should not be a desire.” She added that genuine change cannot be demanded or controlled, saying, “Because if the other person has to change for you, he will change himself. That expectation spoils the relationship.”

DISCLAIMER: This article is based on information from the public domain and/or the experts we spoke to. 

So, how can couples distinguish between healthy self-adjustment and unhealthy self-erasure?

Counselling psychologist Athul Raj tells indianexpress.com, “Healthy adjustment feels like you are growing toward yourself rather than away from yourself. You notice a reaction or habit that creates distance, and you choose to work on it because it supports your values. The change may feel challenging, but it leaves you clearer, lighter and more anchored.”

He notes that unhealthy self-erasure is quieter. “You slowly stop mentioning the things that matter to you. You go along with situations that leave you uncomfortable. You begin to appear present on the outside but feel absent on the inside,” states the expert. 

Why trying to change a partner can spoil the relationship

Raj mentions, “Research repeatedly shows that people do not respond well to emotional pressure.” He adds that when someone feels pushed or corrected, the nervous system activates a protective response. In my therapy room, I often see partners shut down, not because they do not care but because they feel overwhelmed or exposed.”

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Studies also show something very consistent. People change most when they feel accepted and understood. Raj explains, “Acceptance creates safety, and safety creates room for self-reflection. But when one partner becomes the guide and the other becomes the one who must improve, the relationship loses its natural balance.”

Communicating needs or concerns in a way that encourages growth without triggering defensiveness or resentment

Raj suggests, “Speak from the moment rather than from judgement. Saying that a sudden pause in the conversation left you feeling dismissed is very different from saying that your partner never listens. The first invites curiosity. The second invites defence. Ask what was happening for them. Stay with the emotional impact instead of rushing toward a conclusion.”

When both people feel heard rather than assessed, he concludes that change becomes a shared possibility rather than a demand.

DISCLAIMER: This article is based on information from the public domain and/or the experts we spoke to.