Women deserve respect beyond motherhood and children

By  Dorcas Muga-Odumbe

Gender & Health Editor

NMG

What you need to know:

• Millie Odhiambo’s experience exposes how childlessness is weaponised against women in politics and everyday life.
• Women without children face intrusive questions and cruel judgement that men without children rarely experience.

Earlier this year, this column wrote about how women are mocked over whether they have children. The topic is back because it has worsened and keyboard warriors are leading the way.

Critics of Suba North MP Millie Odhiambo, who dislike her politics, went after her personal life instead of addressing her stance. They mocked her for not having children. A fellow MP also took a swipe at her childlessness during a debate in Parliament. If a lawmaker can do that in the House, what hope does an ordinary woman who has no children have at a family meeting or in church?

For Pete’s sake, childlessness is not a measure of a woman’s worth. Millie is an accomplished lawyer who has spent years fighting for the voiceless. She was nominated to Parliament once and has since been elected three times. Along the way, she has mothered thousands of children.

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She has made peace with her situation and she talks about it openly. She turned that openness into action and took a Bill to Parliament to regulate IVF and surrogacy in Kenya. She said, in a media interview, that it began when she saw how women without children in her constituency were ignored, abandoned and made to feel ashamed.

Not every woman can speak as openly, and none should have to. Many carry the hurt quietly after a cruel comment. When we mock, do we ever think about them? Let us be human.

This goes beyond one MP. Any woman without children knows the questions. When are you getting a child? You have everything except a baby. Who will look after you when you are old? You are too busy with your career. You waited too long. What is wrong with you? You are not a complete woman.

Now think of a man of 45 with no children; someone may tease him, most people will leave him alone. Nobody says he is not a complete man. Yet doctors say that in about half of couples who cannot conceive, the man is part of the reason. So why does the woman do all the explaining? Why is her having no children a public matter and his a private one?

Part of the answer is that we have a narrow idea of what a mother is. We think she is only the woman who gives birth. Look at your own family. The aunt who pays school fees for her nieces and nephews is mothering them. So is the older sister who raised her younger siblings, the teacher who works extra hours to keep girls in school, and the woman who nurses a sick parent.

The same goes for the community health worker who visits new mothers, the grandmother raising grandchildren, and the senior woman at work who guides the younger ones. Many have no children of their own but care for other people’s. But when we thank them, we say they “helped”. When a woman has her own child, we say she has left something behind. It is the same kind of work. Why do we give it two different names?

Ambition is part of this too. Women are told they can do everything. But in most homes, the woman still does most of the work of pregnancy, childcare, cooking, cleaning and keeping everyone’s feelings in order. So when a woman puts her energy into a career, politics or business, she gives up something real. Later, people turn that choice into a fault. “She chose work over family.” Nobody says that about a man who works 18 hours a day. We praise him for providing.

Who are these women? Some wanted children and could not have them. Some chose not to. Others never met the right partner, or never had the money, the health or the time. Each has her own story. None owes the village an explanation. Many of the women who get mocked have done marvellous work, far more than the people mocking them. But a woman does not need a long record to be left alone.

The timing worries me most. We are heading to a general election next year, and more women will come forward to seek seats. If this is how we treat one MP, expect it to get worse. Women will be attacked, not for their ideas, but for whether they are married or have children. As if a womb decides who can think, lead or make laws. This has to stop. More women should win seats in the next election. Let us argue with facts, not with things only God decides. Judge a woman by her record, her plans and her promises.

A woman should not have to produce a child to prove that she has produced something of value.