Fake tour guides, scammers, camera hogs and corrupt cops: How to dodge idiots abroad and holiday in peace

The gloomy French philosopher had a querulous relationship with the world in general but it’s not too much of a flight of fancy to speculate that perhaps he came up with this particular epithet after one of the regular summer holidays to Rome that he took with his partner Simone de Beauvoir.

Because, as much as holidays are supposed to be a time to recuperate from the weft and warp of the daily grind, it is also the moment we’re most likely to encounter individuals who encompass the very, very worst of human behaviour.

In a quarter of a century as a full-time travel journalist, I’ve seen the lot.

And I’ve learnt a few coping mechanisms along the way. 

Follow this guide and your chances of having even a single hour of your vacation spoilt will be dramatically reduced.

Rob Crossan provides the ultimate guide to preventing idiots abroad from ruining your holiday

Fake tour guides

You can be absolutely certain that if a man or woman approaches you in a city square and asks if you’d like a (usually ludicrously low priced) city tour then they are not from a legitimate outlet. 

Prices will spiral the moment you agree to a ‘walking tour’ and you’ll only be led into shops that are run by his or her associates. 

In short, never, ever say yes to an impromptu offer of a city tour. 

One of my favourite tricks is to make up an acronym. I’ll ask the guide if their outfit is ‘CMT’ registered for example. The ‘guide’ will nod enthusiastically and say ‘of course’. 

I will then tell them that I’ve just made that name up and no such regulatory body exists before showing them the details for the nearest UK embassy that I’ve saved on my phone (see above). They will then vanish faster than I can shout, ‘conman thief.’

The fake charity scammer

A favourite on European city squares in the summer months. An almost manically friendly young man or woman will approach you clad in a t-shirt emblazoned with the name of a charitable cause and ask if you feel able to donate. 

Keep your phone with you and ask them to give you a moment while you check their charity exists (and also check its compliance rating with charity rules and regs) through the website charitynavigator.org. 

If they’re not legit, telling them this alone will be enough to make them scarper. If they persist, my preferred tactic is to claim that I have just arrived in the city and only have traveller’s cheques on my person at the present time. This is ludicrously untrue of course, but it’s enough for any charity scammer to realise there is easier prey elsewhere.

The safari camera hog

Anyone who has trundled through Kenyan or South African safari parks will recognise the camera hog a mile off. 

There's nothing worse than one particular tourist hogging the camera spot on safari

They will have a lens that’s longer than Nelson’s Column, a wide-brimmed hat and an attitude of entitlement that makes you yearn for a pack of hyenas to do their worst. This person will push. They will barge. They will jostle their way into prime position on the truck at all times so they can get their precious shot of a leopard to show his friends (who all hate him naturally) back in Wisconsin or Woking. 

The trick I’ve learnt from long experience here is to not be afraid to delegate responsibility for dealing with this idiot to the person in charge. 

A quiet word with the safari guide (who will have noticed this rancid behaviour well before you if he or she is any good at their job) will be enough. 

The camera hog will only behave if he’s told what to do by someone in authority. These bullies are always cowards deep down. So don’t get into an argument yourself. You’re paying for someone to lead this trip, after all. 

And the hog will always simmer down once he’s made to believe that, if he doesn’t stop pushing at the sight of a zebra, then he’s going to be left behind in the bush until those hyenas finally show up.

The in-flight phone user who has never heard of ear plugs

The same rules apply for the ever growing army of reprobates who believe that playing an entire movie on their phone without earplugs on a flight is acceptable. 

Don’t, under any circumstances, try to get them to turn the volume down yourselves. This never works and will quickly escalate into an unpleasant and embarrassing row despite your best intentions. 

If someone is playing music out loud on a flight, don't try to handle the situation yourself

Also, you’ll probably end up on YouTube as younger passengers love filming in-flight altercations. 

Get out of your seat, saunter down to the front of the plane and discreetly ask the flight attendant if they could have a word with the offending passenger. They get this all the time and are trained in de-escalation tactics. 

Again, have faith in the axiom that selfish, bullying people love having rows with members of the public but are actually deeply afraid of the kind of authority figure that has the power to boot them off their holiday flight.

The corrupt policeman looking for a bribe

You’re more likely to encounter this man (and it will be a man) in Marrakesh or Cairo than you are Marseille or the Cotswolds of course, but there’s really no need to panic, despite the uniforms and open displays of weaponry. 

Policeman in developing countries are usually paid appallingly low wages and some can be chancers when it comes to tourists. 

The most important thing to do is remain calm and polite at all times- your British stiff upper lip will never be of more use to you than at this moment. 

My tactic is to say I would be glad to pay the fine for my alleged transgression, but only if we go together to the police station and I sign the appropriate paperwork in front of his superior officer. 

That will, almost always, be enough for the officer to leave you alone and find someone more gullible. 

If the official persists, show them the address of the nearest UK embassy and ambassador (have this info screen shot on your phone from the FCO website, gov.uk). That, without doubt, will ensure that, unless you genuinely have done something wrong, you’ll be left alone.

The pavement restaurant ‘greeter’ offering cheap drinks and ‘free’ starters

Would you trust a pilot who begged you to get on his plane by offering you a free shot of vodka? Would you trust a hairdresser who hung around outside their salon offering complimentary eyebrow plucking? Of course not. 

Waiters beckoning you into their restaurant can be a bad sign

Any restaurant that feels the need to employ a street walker to make asinine small talk with passers-by in the hope of getting them inside the premises is an establishment that you should never, ever eat at. 

My trick is to always, without fail, say that I’ve just eaten a full meal while not breaking stride for a moment. Avoid making eye contact and don’t be afraid to snigger at them too. 

Yes, their job is awful. But not as awful as the food you’d get if you were foolish enough to have dinner on the premises.

‘The new best friend’ you met in a bar

Be suspicious of anyone who is simply asking too many questions and revealing nothing whatsoever about themselves. 

Also ask yourself why this person is on their own in a holiday destination thronged entirely with couples. 

They may just be lonely. But they may also be after something more nefarious. Don’t reveal too much about yourself to people who appear to be unusually inquisitive and are travelling solo. 

This isn’t being paranoid; this is just protection against having a potential stalker or someone who is simply waiting for the opportunity to rifle through your bags while you’re in the bathroom of the bar.

The beach sunglasses salesman

This is where your inbuilt British DNA to be polite and apologetic at all times needs to take a holiday. 

If you respond to sales patter by saying, ‘maybe later,’ the annoying hawker will interpret that as ‘yes’. 

Beware the beach salesman while relaxing by the coast

If you respond to their opening question of ‘where are you from?’ by naming any destination on earth they will say they’ve been there and they love it. You will now never get rid of them. 

In 25 years of fending off people trying to flog me stuff on streets and beaches from Tangiers to Tashkent, I have learnt that you only need one syllable. And that is ‘no’. If you say that three times to any question that is asked then they will go away. So remember these stock responses.

Q: ‘Where are you from?’

A:‘No’.

Q: What is your name?

A: ‘No’.

Q: You want sunglasses/hat/beer/inflatable rubber chicken (delete as appropriate)?

A: ‘No.’

You won’t come across as rude. You’ll come across as assertive. If you really want to feel altruistic you can interpret your stoicism as bestowing a favour on the hawker as you’re saving him time. 

Best of all, you’ll make scammers think twice about the notion that Brits are an easy touch on their hols.