Slow down, reminisce if it feels right: practical tips for talking to people with dementia

No one likes to feel left out of the conversation – including people living with dementia. Sometimes, all it takes is a little extra thought to make sure everyone feels included.

Here are some things you can do to help make communication a bit easier when someone you know is living with dementia.

Some basics

Dementia is an umbrella term for a group of brain diseases which can impact memory, language and how people communicate.

Specific types of dementia can affect someone’s understanding of the meaning of words or their ability to produce language.

People with dementia may find it hard to find the right words, or it might take them longer to process information.

Changes in memory and thinking can also make it hard to keep up with conversations and remember what you wanted to say.

Dementia affects each person differently. There is no one way of talking to people living dementia, just as there is no one way of talking to any group of people.

But the principles remain the same

People with dementia continue to face high levels of discrimination and stigma.

But fundamentally, how you talk to someone living with dementia is the same as talking to anyone else.

Communicating means being clear and showing respect, and not assuming what the other person may or may not be able to understand.

When someone has dementia, you may have to adapt and simplify some of the ways you communicate. But it’s important to do this without talking down or infantalising them.

Control what you can

If your friend or loved one with dementia often finds communicating challenging, planning ahead can make a difference.

Most of us would find it harder to concentrate in a busy cafe with the coffee machine roaring, music playing and background conversations. But for someone with dementia this can be particularly overwhelming.

Wherever possible, choose a quiet space to catch up, and limit the group to one or two people. If you’re in a bigger gathering, consider having someone stay with the person with dementia to support them if they start to feel overwhelmed.

Communication is both verbal and non-verbal. So make sure there is good lighting and that you sit where the person with dementia can see you.

If they (or you) use hearing or visual aids, make sure they’re worn and on. And put down your phone – giving the person your full attention can help them anchor theirs.

Using expressive body language – such as smiles and nods – can help convey meaning.

Let them lead

Sometimes people with dementia may say things that are out of place. They may also refer to people or things from the past as if they’re here today.

When this happens, it’s natural to want to correct them, but it’s not the best approach. Lying should also be avoided wherever possible.

So what can you do instead? Focus on alleviating their distress, validating their emotions or redirecting the conversation.

You can try to understand what they’re feeling or experiencing. If someone asks for their mother, for example, it could be a sign they need comfort. After checking for anything else that could be causing distress, you could acknowledge they miss their mum, but explain she’s not here right now.

Where appropriate, touch can provide comfort and help redirect the conversation.

Reminiscing can also be positive. If they ask about a specific person or place, a memory book can help prompt recollections of good times they’ve shared.

Of course, not all family relationships or past experiences are positive. If you know there are difficult topics or relationships, try to let the care team or other people around them know the person’s history so they can watch for signs of distress.

More practical tips

Inclusion should always be the priority. So try to speak directly to the person living with dementia, not about them.

Use their name, and don’t be shy to introduce yourself and remind them how you know each other. For example, “Hi Brenda, I’m John. We met at tennis.”

Don’t rush to finish their sentences. Slow down and give them time to respond.

Show interest in what you know about the person from their past. Ask questions, but remember – providing context can make it easier to answer: “I’ve been enjoying Wimbledon. Have you got a favourite tennis player?” or “It’s a lovely day outside. Shall we see what’s growing in the garden?”

Music is also a wonderful way to connect and may help reduce depression. Listening to familiar songs can be a way to spend time together without the pressure of a conversation. Or you might find other ways to connect through art, gardening or spending time with grandchildren.

Good days and bad days

Dementia is progressive, so it will get worse over time.

However, symptoms can change depending on the time of day, and daily fluctuations are more common in some types of dementia.

As for any of us, feeling tired, unwell or in pain can make it harder to pay attention.

But if you notice a sudden change – such as the person not knowing where they are, hallucinations or a mood shift – check for infection or recent medication changes, and seek help. These could be signs of delirium, which is a medical emergency.

Remember that you’re human, too

Caring for someone living with dementia can also affect your own health and wellbeing. It’s important to take time out for yourself, connect with support services, ask for help, and remember that we all make mistakes.

Read more: More young people are caring for a loved one with dementia. It takes a unique toll

When someone has dementia, challenges communicating are not anyone’s fault. But slowing down, being patient and listening can make a world of difference.