'How do you get through this?': Parents on the grief of losing a child

When Kerri Westwood's teenage daughter Lauren became unwell during an overseas school trip, the family assumed it was a virus she picked up while travelling.

Kerri says the 15-year-old saw a doctor and felt "better" so continued on her trip. But when she got home, her condition worsened.

"She'd had a bit of tingling in her fingers, she was just sleeping all the time," says Kerri, from Mount Duneed in Victoria.

"We took her to hospital, and they wanted to do an MRI, that was when they discovered a tumour."

Kerri says the family was "blindsided" by a glioblastoma brain cancer diagnosis.

"Doctors told us, 'Don't Google it,'" says the 52-year-old.

"They gave her three to five years to live.

"How do you tell a 15-year-old that they're going straight into palliative care?"

Lauren died in July 2020, 21 months after her diagnosis.

"She was a beautiful, bright light who left this world far too soon," Kerri says.

"That grief isn't something that you get over, we have to learn to live with it for the rest of our lives."

Losing the sense of natural order

The death of a child at any age is a "profound loss" because it goes against what we think is natural, says Lauren Breen, a grief researcher and psychologist from Curtin University in Western Australia.

"So not only might we lose this very close relationship, but we've lost our understanding of how the world should be or that sense of natural justice," Professor Breen says.

Kathy Packenas, from child bereavement support organisation Ladybird Care Foundation, says research shows that "bereaved parents are at increased risk of depression, anxiety, trauma-related distress and complex grief".

"The death of a child is often described as one of the most devastating experiences that parents can endure," she says.

"Something of this nature can affect every aspect of a person's life, their mental health, relationships, work, their sense of identity."

Ms Packenas says every parent's relationship with their child is unique and so is their grief.

"We find some people want to talk really openly about their grief and others prefer quieter, more behind-the-scenes forms of support," she says.

"Some people reach out straight away after the death and some people reach out many years later; there's no timeline."

Leaning on others who understand

Kerri says over the past six years she has learnt that a lot of different feelings can co-exist.

"Sometimes it's sadness, sometimes it's anger, sometimes it's numbness," she says.

"Sometimes it's just completely overwhelming.

"Then there's sometimes where you can laugh and have a good day, but then suddenly you feel guilty for being happy."

Kerri says she sought help from a counsellor but found that sharing her experience with other parents who had also lost a child has been healing.

For the past 18 months she has been a peer mentor for 57-year-old Tonya Shoobridge, from Brisbane/Meanjin, whose daughter Madeline died in 2024.

The pair were connected through the Ladybird Care Foundation.

"Madi passed on April 1st, just before her 21st birthday," Tonya says.

Despite Madi having cerebral palsy, Tonya says her death was very unexpected and sudden.

"It's the worst crisis to ever find yourself in; I was very confused and scared," she says.

She says anniversaries, birthdays and Christmas are among the hardest times to navigate, which is when she has leaned on Kerri for support.

"I just said to her, 'How the hell do you do this? How do you get me through this?'"

"She said, 'It just sucks, it's awful'.

"If you go to someone who has been there and knows what it feels like physically to lose a child, then that's where you're going to get the most help."

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Talking about her brings joy

Tonya says her journey with grief has focused on building resilience and looking for positives in every day.

"When you don't want to get out of bed and when you think you're never going to stop crying, you have to ask yourself, 'Is this helping me or is it hurting me?'" she says.

"You can answer that pretty easily, 'No, this is hurting.'

"You can journal, you can write letters to your child and try to think of three good things that have happened that day or three beautiful memories that you have."

Professor Breen says connection to the child and others during the grief process is really important.

"It's perfectly fine and normal to still talk to the child and share stories of them and keep photos of them and their possessions," she says.

"[And] find the people who you do have that connection with and who can be supportive, that can be really helpful."

Tonya has also asked family and friends to donate money to an all-abilities organisation Madi used to be a part of.

"If you do something to honour your child, give to a charity, raise money, it makes you feel good inside," she says.

"And it answers that question for other people, 'How can I help you?'"

"Help me honour her memory by giving to this place."

Kerri says she wants people to not be afraid to say Lauren's name because talking about her daughter brings her joy.

"Lauren would want us to be happy and not to be rolled up in a ball on the floor," she says.

"When Lauren was sick, we spoke about ways that I would be able to give back to people.

"And I feel like working with Ladybird Care is a way that I can give back to [other] families who are grieving."