You be the judge: should my partner dial down the heat when he cooks?

He whacks the heat right up, which stains our wok and makes it really hard to wash up

My partner, Ned, does most of the cooking in our house and he’s really good at it. I help prep and I usually do the washing up, which is how this issue arose. We had an old wok that became so encrusted with burnt stir-fry it was difficult to clean. Eventually, I said we needed to buy a new wok. We bought an expensive stainless steel one, but we’ve only had it three weeks and it’s stained already.

Ned cooks with the heat turned up as high as possible. I know with a wok you turn the heat up high initially before you put in the meat or vegetables, but you’re supposed to turn it down before you add the sauces. Otherwise, they burn on to the wok and make it difficult to clean. Once you get stainless steel to a certain temperature, it maintains that heat, so you don’t need to keep the flame on maximum. The point of stainless steel is that it stays stainless. If you stain it, you’re overheating it.

Once, when Ned was cooking, I turned the heat down myself. He objected and there was a bit of argy-bargy in the kitchen. I was annoyed because I knew I would be the one scrubbing the wok later, and I had a sore shoulder.

Ned can also get distracted while cooking. He might put the rice on and then walk out of the kitchen, start reading or listening to a podcast, and forget that he needs to turn something off in five minutes. He has left the gas on before. There have even been occasions when, if I hadn’t turned the knobs down, I reckon we could have had a fire.

Ned admits he has become distracted in the past, but he won’t accept my argument about the wok. He likes to have the heat up the whole time when stir-frying and says that is the proper way to cook with a wok. I love that he does the cooking, but I’d like to avoid being burned in a fire and stay alive to eat the food – and not have to scrub the pots so hard afterward. Since I’m doing the washing up, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask him to turn the heat down.

The defence: Ned

The person doing the cooking is in charge of the temperature – plus a wok is supposed to blacken

I do most of the cooking and occasionally we have a stir-fry. A chef once told me that the key to making one is that you’ve got to be fast and the pan has to be “scary hot”. I also learned how to make a stir-fry from my brother-in-law, who is a chef. Preparation is essential: everything should be chopped beforehand and then added to the wok in sequence. The oil goes in, then the vegetables – we don’t eat much meat these days – and the sauces go in last. It all happens quickly and on a very high heat. It’s quite a dramatic way of cooking.

Rhonda doesn’t complain about the quality of my cooking. I don’t burn the food or the sauces, although I acknowledge we get some residue left on the pan. I think that’s an acceptable part of cooking with a wok. For me, the marks left on a wok are part of its character. They’re a testament to the cooking you’ve done. I’ve also heard Australian chef Kylie Kwong say your wok is supposed to blacken.

I’m happy to wash the wok, but I don’t think it needs to remain as shiny as it was when we bought it. And I don’t want anyone touching the knobs while I’m cooking. The person cooking has to be in charge of the temperature. If someone comes in halfway through and changes the temperature, it interferes with what I’m doing.

I accept that I have occasionally left other things cooking on a low heat and become distracted. My preferred cuisines are Italian and Indian. Indian food can cook slowly for a long time, and with Italian food I might make a sauce or ragu and let it reduce. But stir-frying is different. It’s fast and intense, and you need complete focus because it happens so quickly. To say I’m nearly burning things down is a gross exaggeration. I’m fixated on the task at hand and I like to keep the heat high. Maybe I am too focused on speed and heat sometimes, but I maintain that a wok needs to remain hot. A lightly stained wok doesn’t mean I’m cooking incorrectly.

Names have been changed

The jury of Guardian readers

Some food staining is normal. But Ned should get his head in the game and focus on the frying pan, lest they all end up in the fire.
Pablo, 35

I’m not a chef, but growing up I was told three things about cooking. First, if you aren’t the one cooking, don’t interfere unless something is on fire (but not if they are flambéeing). Second, the person not cooking does the washing up. And finally, stainless steel rarely stays stainless.
Nathan, 44

While professional chefs with seasoned carbon steel woks stir fry at speed on a high heat, it doesn’t sound like that is what Ned is doing. Staining from frequent use and stains from burned-on food are different. Maybe leaving it to soak immediately after use could resolve this issue.
Jess, 37

I’m not sure having a brother-in-law who is a chef qualifies Ned as a culinarian, and staining a stainless steel pan is a waste of time (scrubbing) and money (when they eventually need to replace it). Perhaps he would benefit from taking a class – cooking, fire safety or, preferably, both.
Isabelle, 31

If Ned is the one who does the cooking, he should decide on the heat and the how the food is made – but Rhonda shouldn’t have to clean the wok if he makes a real mess of it. As a compromise, how about letting Ned use the wok however he chooses, as long as he also cleans it and buys the replacements?
Ivy, 18

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