Are We Raising Children to Succeed? Or Just to Score?

PICTURE this. A child comes home with disappointing examination results. Before the disappointment has even had time to settle, questions begin. What went wrong? How did the other children do? What must be done to make sure it doesn't happen again?

For many Malaysian parents, academic performance is more than a measure of how well a child has understood a subject. It can become a source of anxiety, a point of comparison and, sometimes, an uncomfortable reflection of how well they believe they're doing as parents.

The pressure to do well begins early, often long before children are old enough to understand what success means to them. There are exams to prepare for, expectations to meet and milestones against which progress is measured.

In the process, the quieter, less quantifiable aspects of growing up, namely learning to recover from disappointment, finding the courage to ask questions, developing curiosity or discovering an unexpected talent, can struggle for attention.

But what happens when a child learns to chase the right answers without ever becoming comfortable with getting something wrong?

It's a question Noor Zaidi Mohd Noor, 61, has spent years considering through his work in education. The principal of KYS KL East International School believes that while academic achievement remains important, it should never become the sole measure of a child's potential.

"There's nothing wrong with wanting children to achieve strong academic results. The concern arises when grades become the sole measure of success," he begins.

When children begin to believe that every test score defines their worth, the consequences can reach beyond the examination hall. They may become reluctant to ask questions, explore unfamiliar interests or take risks for fear of making mistakes. Learning, which should involve discovery and experimentation, can instead become an exercise in avoiding failure.

The challenge for parents and educators is to help children develop the confidence and resilience to navigate a world that will demand far more of them than the ability to produce the right answers.

LEARNING TO LIVE WITH DISAPPOINTMENT

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The instinct to protect children from disappointment is natural. No parent enjoys watching a child struggle, especially when a little intervention could make the problem disappear. But supporting children through difficulty isn't the same as removing every obstacle before they have a chance to face it.

Resilience develops through practice, not instruction. A disappointing result, a lost match or an unsuccessful audition can teach children to reflect, adapt and try again, provided they have the support to learn from the experience. The aim isn't to celebrate failure, but to help them understand that a setback need not define them.

Explains Zaidi: "Children need to understand that failure is an event, not an identity. Being unsuccessful at something doesn't make them unsuccessful as a person."

It's a distinction that sounds simple, but can be difficult to maintain in a culture where achievement is frequently compared, ranked and displayed.

When children struggle or fall behind their peers, parents may instinctively step in with solutions or try to smooth the way for their next attempt. Sometimes, though, the better response is to ask what they've learnt, what they might do differently and what support they need.

This isn't about leaving children to cope alone. They still need boundaries, encouragement and the reassurance that their parents are on their side when things go wrong. The challenge is knowing when to step in and when to let them find their own way.

BEHIND THE REPORT CARD

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One experience from Zaidi's earlier career illustrates why opportunities to discover one's strengths can matter as much as the pursuit of academic results.

While teaching at a boarding school, he encountered a student who was academically inclined but had been labelled a nerd and a loner. Recognising the boy's aptitude for research, Zaidi invited him to join the debate team.

Initially, the student was quiet. But over the following months, something began to change. His knowledge became an asset in team discussions, and he developed an ability to rebut opposing arguments with impressive spontaneity.

Within three months, he was coaching his teammates on how to counter the opening team's arguments. Over the next two years, he grew into a confident, poised debater with a distinctive style, eventually becoming a model for other boarding-school debaters.

The student hadn't suddenly acquired an entirely new set of abilities. He'd been given an opportunity to use what he already possessed in a different setting, alongside the encouragement and trust needed to develop it.

Recalls Zaidi; "All he needed was encouragement, support and trust to realise his interest and true potential. That, to me, is education, and success should be defined individually."

It's a lesson that challenges the assumption that every child should develop at the same pace or demonstrate their abilities in the same way.

Some children find their confidence through classroom discussions; others discover it on a sports field, in a music room or while working alongside their peers on a shared project. A child who struggles to articulate an idea on paper may have strengths that become apparent in a different setting. Another who rarely volunteers an answer may emerge as a capable leader when given responsibility for a team.

The difficulty is that these strengths don't always show up neatly in examination results.

At KYS KL East International School, where Zaidi is principal, the Cambridge IGCSE pathway sits alongside a programme that includes sports, music, English proficiency and character development. The school's approach is intended to give students different avenues through which to develop their abilities, rather than treating academic performance as the only meaningful measure of progress.

Such opportunities matter not because every child must excel at everything, but because children need room to discover what they can do, including things they may never have thought themselves capable of attempting.

MEASURE OF CONFIDENCE

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Confidence, too, is often misunderstood.

It's easy to associate a confident child with someone who speaks readily, performs well in public or appears comfortable in almost any situation. But outward assurance doesn't necessarily mean a child feels secure enough to admit uncertainty, accept criticism or acknowledge a mistake.

For Zaidi, genuine confidence is the ability to express an opinion, ask questions and receive feedback without feeling threatened by the experience. A child who can comfortably say, "I don't know", and remain willing to learn may be displaying a more useful form of confidence than one who feels compelled to have an answer for everything.

This is where the environment around a child matters. If mistakes are routinely met with ridicule, anger or disappointment, silence can become a form of self-protection. If children are allowed to ask questions and disagree respectfully, they have more reason to participate.

The same applies to communication. Being proficient in English, for instance, is valuable, but knowing a language and having the confidence to use it aren't necessarily the same thing. Children who fear being judged for an imperfect sentence may hold back even when they have something worthwhile to contribute.

Learning to communicate involves more than vocabulary and grammar. It also means listening, expressing disagreement without belittling someone else, asking for help and having the humility to reconsider an opinion.

These are skills that develop through practice, at home and at school, in conversations that don't always go smoothly.

PREPARING FOR AN UNPREDICTABLE WORLD

There is another reason to look beyond examination results: nobody can say with certainty what the world today's children will inherit as adults.

Technology is changing how people work, communicate and access information. Some of the knowledge children acquire in school may eventually become outdated, while new challenges will demand that they learn, adapt and make decisions in unfamiliar circumstances.

Zaidi believes the ability to keep learning is therefore among the most important qualities an education can nurture.

Curiosity encourages children to ask questions rather than accept everything at face value. Adaptability helps them respond to change, while resilience gives them the confidence to try again when their first attempt fails. The ability to listen, collaborate and communicate with others matters, too.

These qualities do not make academic knowledge less important. Rather, they help children put what they know to use, recognise what they don't know and work out how to move forward.

The same principle applies to everyday responsibilities. Managing their own time, keeping commitments, resolving disagreements and apologising when they're wrong may seem less urgent than preparing for the next examination. Yet these are the habits that will eventually help young people navigate life without a parent standing beside them.

Parents, believes Zaidi, should spend less time comparing their children with others and paying closer attention to individual progress. Is a child becoming more responsible? More curious? Better able to manage disappointment or work through a problem without immediately expecting someone else to solve it?

These changes may be less obvious than a jump in examination grades, but they offer another way of understanding how a child is growing. He encourages parents to allow children to make age-appropriate decisions, experience occasional struggles and feel able to approach them when they have made mistakes.

Support, in other words, shouldn't be conditional on success.

FINDING THEIR WAY

Perhaps the hardest part of raising children is accepting that their growth may not follow the path parents imagined. Wanting the best for them is natural, but that instinct can slip into comparison, measuring children against siblings, classmates or narrow ideas of success.

Zaidi's experience with the young debater is a reminder that potential doesn't always announce itself. Sometimes, a child simply needs an adult to recognise an overlooked strength and give it room to grow. That takes patience, an openness to difference and faith in progress that may not be immediately visible.

For educators, this means adapting to each new generation while ensuring technology doesn't come at the expense of human connection. Ultimately, children need to learn more than what textbooks teach: to respect others, work through differences, recover from setbacks and keep learning independently.

The question isn't whether we should encourage our children to achieve, but whether we give them enough room to struggle, experiment, fail and discover who they are beyond our expectations.

One day, the examinations will end and parents will not always be there to intervene. A good result may open a door, but it takes curiosity to explore what lies beyond, resilience to weather setbacks and confidence to find their own way.