These women were married for decades before learning their husbands were gay

Karen's husband was working from home one day when she noticed something strange on his laptop. 

"As I walked past, something jumped out at me, so I looked," says the now 59-year-old from Melbourne/Naarm.

"Open on the computer were sort of all these gay [adult websites], and my heart sank; I was like 'What is this?'"

It was the beginning of a very painful period where Karen's marriage of two decades fell apart with her husband's eventual admission that he was gay.

"It was very, very difficult, he went into a massive shame spiral," she says.

"He hated that part of himself and couldn't reconcile it, he had married me hoping it would go away.

"I remember leaving the house for the day and I just sat in the car and just cried."

Karen is not alone in her experience. Yumi Stynes, host of ABC podcast Ladies, We Need to Talk, spoke with women about the shock of finding out their husband's sexuality and how they moved on to find peace.

'This is who I am'

Annie, a mother of two from Victoria, discovered her husband's sexuality after she became unwell.  

"I'd had sort of stomach cramps and sort of an ongoing period that wouldn't go away," says 49-year-old Annie, not her real name.

"I went to the GP, and she did some swabs and tests and she goes, 'Oh, you've actually got chlamydia'.

"So, I rang my husband while I was in the [doctor's] room, and I said, 'Have you been playing around?' And he said, 'Yes, but not with women.'"

Annie says she felt disgusted and deceived by her husband.

"I said to him, 'You're going for counselling, and you need to work out whether you're gay or bisexual and if this is just a phase'.

"I didn't want to tell our children until I knew where he was at.

"He was able to identify, 'No, this is not just a phase, this is who I am.'"

'I didn't sign up for this'

Karen says her husband's shame around his identity made her feel like she was "in the closet with him".

"He wanted to know whether I was going to stick it out, and he was terrified that I would leave, I was a cover.

"I got to a point of really realising it wasn't fair to either of us, and that we both deserved to be free.

"After 15 months of cohabiting with this dark secret, he eventually agreed that the kids did have a right to know, we had this dinner, and it felt like the Last Supper."

Karen says when he eventually told close family and friends, they were all happy for him, but she felt "invisible and overlooked".

"I couldn't say, 'This is awful. My life is really difficult,' because by doing that, it seemed defamatory to this person who's coming out.

"I do think he cared for me, but I feel used, and I feel that collateral damage is really painful.

"I didn't sign up for this, and if I had known, I would've said no."

Annie says she and her husband lived together for a year after he came out, and she found it difficult to let him go emotionally.

"Some people were saying, 'Annie, it's OK. You can be upset and angry.'

"But that only really came later, in the last probably three years, that fact that I am collateral."

Finding a place of peace

Both women say it has taken some time for them to move past the hurt and betrayal to find peace.

Karen says she has come to accept the injustice of her marriage, while building her own happiness.

"I have learnt to love myself, I'm not just a gay guy's wife, I'm much more … so much more."

She says her healing journey has involved "reinventing" herself.

"So, I went from full-time mothering to full-time uni and poured myself into that and haven't looked back."

Email address

Annie says connecting with others who've gone through similar experiences has been helpful. She says she was also able attended the wedding of her ex-husband and his new partner.

"I'm still rebuilding what life looks like and I do see my ex-husband, who's got an amazing partner and we get on well considering everything.

"I am an optimist, and I just think life's too short to hold grudges.

"I want women to know that it's OK, and it's actually more common than people think."