RHONY is finally back from the dead—just as The Golden Life resurrects its OGs

If you, like me, gave up on Bravo’s previous two attempts to reboot The Real Housewives of New York City, I urge you to watch season 16, episode five. You don’t need to know who anyone is to appreciate the 42 minutes of flawlessly edited comedy that continues to heighten with each inconsequential transgression and slight.

“Cue White Lotus,” someone says as the boat with the cast and cameras approaches Moskito Island, where we see the staff of Erika’s private but rentable estate waving so long at the camera one of them says, “my arm hurts.” Someone else says, “We can switch to other hand now.”

It’s not all that bleak. Jessel previously offended Carole by referring to “Carolyn Bessette summer,” because Carole is here to remind everyone that she’s in pain as the only person on the earth who lived through the real events of FX’s Love Story: John F. Kennedy Jr. & Carolyn Bessette, but actually she wants it to be private, despite all the time she talks about it and how her memoir is a bestseller again.

Jessel goes to Carole’s room, where Carole tries to convince her that “dingbat” is a term of endearment, and tries to connect. “My dad passed away a year ago,” Jessel says. “I just block everything out, right, because I can’t even look at a picture of him—”

Carole interrupts this confession. “Are those drones out there spying on us?” Carole is staring out the window, and stands up to go look, ignoring Jessel’s story. It’s not paparazzi spy drones. It’s a bird.

Meanwhile, Erika waits until all of her Real Housewives castmates have put on their dinner looks to casually deliver news: they might not want to wear shoes. That’s because dinner is in the pool. Yep, they’ll be wading to and from their chairs, dresses dangling in pool water. Jessel is horrified (“They’re part of my look”); Erika says it’s fine, since her shoes are plastic; Jessel insists they’re Lucite; the editors pop up a definition to tell us Lucite is plastic.

This is all so deliciously overripe drama, just a nonstop series of surprises about what petty thing they’ll do or say next and the melodrama that will follow.

In their room, where Daisy discovers she’s sleeping in a pull-out sofa she declares is “a coffin,” Daisy says “Martha [Stewart] would think this is a dump.” Daisy has revealed to Erin that Jessel and Erika casually wondered if the flood in Erin’s vacation was for insurance purposes—and forgot to mention she was involved, too, telling us in an interview “I just want everybody to get along.”

You don’t have to know who any of them are to appreciate the entertainment. It took me half the season to start to differentiate between the women, because they change outfits and looks so much it’s like they’re all each other and/or 10 different people.

By the time the cast is eating dinner, in the pool, their dresses wet, and Erin demands that no one talk about the “despicable” things they were saying about her, but the fight she’s picking is interrupted by a torrential thunderstorm that sends the women screaming.

It took Bravo five years and two full useless seasons, but The Real Housewives of New York City is back to peak Housewives. The combination of people—Daisy, Erika, and Hailey joined the only three who survived from the reboot Sai, Erin, and Jessel—works perfectly.

Jessel is both a dingbat and the perfect shit-stirrer; Daisy’s relationship with Martha Stewart brings a whole new dimension of surreality to the show, especially since Martha is clearly terrified of losing her makeup artist to Bravo fame; Carole grounds the whole show with a combination of a been-there, fuck-that attitude and a masterclass in how to casually pull focus.

RHONY is must-see TV again. This is the perfect mix of cast and crazy behavior. And speaking of crazy, some of The Real Housewives of New York City alum that Bravo fired are back on TV.

Just as Bravo dumped the original cast, NBCUniversal dumped E!, and now the two are reunited: The Golden Life brings Sonja Morgan, Ramona Singer, Luann de Lesseps, Dorinda Medley, and Kelly Bensimon back to television. They’re all in Palm Beach, but have only “moved here for a few months,” as Ramona confesses in the first episode.

I’ve only seen last night’s premiere of The Golden Life, but the premiere was proof that it’s not easy to reproduce what The Real Housewives franchise delivers.

The interview green screen backdrops are weird, overly bright interiors that are visually hovering over the cast’s shoulders; the editing cuts in b-roll too often; cameras bounce around and can’t find focus or a frame; the audio in a busy restaurant sounds like it’s been recorded over an iPhone.

Special premiere episode interstitials, with all five of the cast sitting in what looks like a dentist’s waiting room, are so bad I have to imagine that E! is making fun of its stars’ inability to look at a camera or read their lines. The cue cards or prompters were placed perfectly so that they look cross-eyed as they read.

The technical perfection we get from RHONY may not be as noticeable if the content is engrossing. But so far, it seems like the cast are producing themselves.

The big event of the premiere is Ramona holding a trunk show with fashion from Hervé Léger, a name she cannot pronounce. She runs around the space kicking out actual customers. “This event is very exclusive,” she tells one person, gesturing to what looks like a handwritten sign taped to the store’s door.

“Do I know you? Did I invite you tonight? This is about all my close girlfriends,” Ramona barks at one person. “We’re filming. We’re filming. So just don’t interrupt,” Ramona says.

Luann and Dorinda show up more than an hour late, and stand near the door, talking about how no one is acknowledging them. After Ramona finally says hi, they complain to Dorinda about being ignored. So Luann ignores Ramona when Ramona says to not bring “your workers” to dinner.

At a restaurant, Luann marches in with an entourage, including her chief-twink—I mean, chief of staff. “It’s a private invitation,” Ramona says. Luann pretends she doesn’t know Ramona told her it was a dinner. “I already had dinner.”

There is something absurd and dumb and bewitching about how ridiculous Ramona and Sonja still are; how delusional Luann still is; how Dorinda fights for attention; how Kelly is still an afterthought, so much that you might not even know she’s in certain scenes.

But compared to the escalating drama and entitlement of the RHONY season 16 cast, The Golden Life cast seems like amateur hour.

“I have to go to the bathroom and burp,” Sonja says, insisting “I’ll feel better after I stick my finger down my throat and burp.” Then she tells the camera operator she puked—and the camera zooms in, hesitantly, on vomit in a fancy sink. “I can smell your barf,” Luann says later.

That’s where we are. Oh, and Ramona ensuring no one impedes her starring role on her televised comeback. “You’re not part of the show,” Ramona later tells Luann’s twink while they’re on a crowded dance floor.

At the start of The Golden Life, as Luann is driven from the airport, she asks, “What the fuck am I doing here, is the question.” The answer, of course, is going wherever cameras will have her.

By the way, the best part of The Golden Life was the after show, with Luann and Sonja being interviewed by shirtless, glossy, towel-clad Love Island UK cast member Eyal Booker and influencer Lonnie Marts IIV in a mock sauna set.

Hot Goss gives us clips from the show, and its hosts ask better questions than Andy Cohen ever asks, and they even listen to their guests’ answers. I hope E! keeps this after show, and not just for the pecs. It may be the best way to watch The Golden Life.

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