This parenting expert has one piece of advice for raising teenage boys

Mornings at Dr Billy Garvey’s home in Newcastle might look different to what you’d expect of a developmental paediatrician with three children.

Forget macronutrient-balanced superfood bowls for Yvie, 5, Charlie, 3, and Heidi, 1 – you’re more likely to see his pint-sized crew parked before the TV while sucking down a yoghurt pouch. A mattress clutters the hallway where Garvey sleeps to it easier to tend to nighttime wakings, and the laundry basket is always overflowing.

Garvey is OK with that.

Screen time, vegetable intake and tidiness are some of the concessions he and his wife, Annaliese, a surgeon, are willing to make for one overarching parenting priority: making time for emotional connection with their kids.

“At our place, the clean washing never gets into the wardrobe – most mornings I’m picking what I’ll wear out of that pile … and our kids could eat way better,” says Garvey, author of Ten Things I Wish You Knew About Raising Boys and host of the Pop Culture Parenting podcast.

“But every weekend, we spend almost the entire day with them. We’ve picked our priorities, and I would always advocate for making an easier meal that doesn’t have five serves of vegetables or using a screen when you need to so that you can find minutes in a day to play with a kid.”

Garvey, 43, has spent more than 20 years working with children and teenagers with behavioural and mental health challenges, and with males being three times more likely to take their own lives than females, he’s spreading the word about how much boys need “sanctuaries” where they can express themselves safely.

“There’s this beautiful thing you can do to buffer them against exposure to trauma, pornography, violence, alcohol and drugs – and that is purely in the relationship you have with them and the ability to sit with them, walk with them and journey with them,” he says.

“We need to be thinking about how we build these sanctuaries with our boys – a safe space that’s protected and is about enjoying each other, celebrating each other and connecting with each other. It’s not about monitoring them or trying to catch them out.”

A sanctuary could be an activity you do together or even giving them a lift each week to sport or school, offering a regular chance for them to vent or ask questions.

“Even if you have a 19-year-old who never leaves the bedroom, does drugs and is mentally unwell, ask yourself: How do I build that sanctuary?”

Show up before you shout

While we might be deeply disappointed by our sons’ behaviour at times, Garvey begs parents to stay open.

“One of the things that happens to teenage boys … is [parents] give the silent treatment or say, ‘I’m sick of you, I can’t believe you’re behaving like this’,” he says.

“But often if a kid is bucking against boundaries, they benefit from parents connecting with them first so they understand we unconditionally love and support them. That doesn’t mean no boundaries or consequences.”

Garvey says that 90 per cent of parents assume their teenager knows they love them, but only about half say they feel loved by their parents – so the message is not always landing, especially when they muck up.

“There’s a huge gap where parents think their teenager knows they love them, but you actually prove the love by how you are with them when things are not going so well,” he says.

“I think we undervalue how important frequent ‘sanctuaries’ are to protect the relationship with our boys so they understand that we unconditionally love and support them.”

Behaviour change expert Tamsin Simounds, author of The Experiment Mindset, says that if parents want to set up a successful dynamic, they ought to start with curiosity about what’s working and what’s not in their particular household.

“We have so much access to information in books and podcasts that we often feel like someone else needs to tell us how to do it right when we actually [need to] look at what’s going on [for us] and learn from that and adapt,” says Simounds, a mother to two boys, aged seven and 10.

Parents are only human, and if you’ve lashed out at your cranky son or let the sanctuary slide, Simounds suggests starting afresh with small experiments to see what sticks.

“Having an experiment mindset allows you to keep progressing and growing without getting down on yourself,” she says. “Treat your ‘failure’ like data – you might think: ‘Was I really tired when I just yelled at my kid? Am I bit of an asshole?’ Then think about what happened during the day and how you can try something different the next day.

“You might say to your child, ‘Sorry, my behaviour wasn’t great last night. I was feeling a bit tired and here’s what I’m going to do next time’.”

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Kimberly Gillan is a Melbourne journalist who covers wellbeing, social trends, parenting and travel.