You be the judge: should my sister stop calling me when she’s on the move?

Maddie rings at the worst moments. It’s usually when she’s on the train and I can’t even hear her

I appreciate a phone call that’s scheduled in advance, and during a nice, quiet stretch of time when I’m curled up on the sofa or out walking my dog. My sister Maddie, however, loves to ring me at the worst moments with no notice.

It’s usually when she’s travelling on the train at six in the evening. She says it’s her “chat time”, but it’s a terrible time and place to have conversations. I can hear the noise of the train and people around her, and it’s really annoying. I can’t hear what she’s saying half the time, and then the call will cut out when she goes through a tunnel.

Sometimes Maddie won’t call me back after the call drops, and I’m left sitting there, thinking: “Is this call done?” Two days later, she will text me to say sorry. It’s all very irritating.

I’ve started asking her to text me in advance to schedule a call for when she’s at home, but she doesn’t like this. She says: “I just like to pick up the phone when I’m in between places.” But that’s selfish; calls only happen at her convenience. I once asked her to send me a calendar invite for a catchup a few days in advance and she laughed in my face.

I work from home, so I think she’s used to me always answering. She is in an office most of the week and will call me on the way home to offload, or when she’s cooking or doing the washing-up. The background noise always interferes with our conversation.

I guess it’s partly my fault for always answering when she calls. Maddie has learned that I’m available and willing to put up with any type of call. But I feel a bit guilty if she rings and I don’t answer. Maddie’s my younger sister: I’m 37 and she’s 32, and I’ve been the one to look out for her when she has needed support. Our mum died 10 years ago, so part of me still feels responsible for her. However I’m pregnant with my first child now, so I’ve warned her that I won’t be as available moving forward. I don’t think Maddie will know what’s hit her. She’s going to have to get used to booking things well in advance.

The defence: Maddie

I have a long commute, so it makes sense to call her then. Why pick up if you don’t want to speak to me?

Nadia makes it sound as though I only call her when I’ve exhausted every other form of entertainment. That’s not true: I ring because something has happened that I want to tell her about, or because I’m wondering how she is. I have a long commute, so it makes sense to pick up the phone then.

If I have to text first and arrange a slot, by the time we speak I have often forgotten the thing I wanted to say. I understand that the train isn’t ideal. If we’re going through a tunnel, I will say I’ll call her back, but then I get distracted or get home and have to make dinner.

I think it’s not knowing when I’ll call back that annoys her the most. I admit that is bad. But she also objects to me calling when I’m cooking or washing up. I just don’t think you need to sit in silence to have a conversation with your sister. It doesn’t always require an appointment, and having to make one with her feels weirdly formal.

I’m not expecting Nadia to answer every time either. If she’s busy, she can leave it and ring me back. I wouldn’t be offended. What’s frustrating is when she answers and immediately sounds annoyed with me for calling. Why pick up if you don’t want to speak to me? I don’t force her to and I can’t know whether it’s a bad moment until she tells me.

Since Mum died, Nadia has looked out for me a lot, and I’m grateful. But I don’t want her to feel that every call from me is me needing something. Mostly, I’m ringing to see how she is.

I think she still feels she has to be available in case there’s a problem, because she gave me such emotional support before, but I’m quite happy for her to say, “Not now, Maddie.” As she’s about to have her first child, I’m preparing for her to be less available. I’d happily make more time for longer calls, but I don’t want to lose the spontaneous ones and make every catchup feel like a job interview. I worry that if I only start calling her during prearranged times, we will end up speaking less.

Names have been changed

The jury of Guardian readers

It’s lovely that Maddie wants to speak to her sister, and Nadia doesn’t have to answer if she’s busy. A compromise could be a quick text from Maddie first to check in, keeping the spontaneity while giving Nadia the option to decline.
Aoife, 29

Maddie’s desire to maintain her bond with Nadia is so sweet. Nadia, perhaps suggest exchanging voice messages and agreeing on a convenient time for weekly calls. That way, Maddie gets the emotional connection she seeks, while Nadia enjoys communication that accommodates her busy schedule.
Estéban, 35

I can see not calling back could be annoying. It sounds as if Maddie wants day-to-day connection, but Nadia wants more of a dedicated space to meet. Neither is wrong, but it’s just not vibing. Maddie could ask upfront if Nadia has time to chat, or Nadia could ring Maddie spontaneously when it works for her.
Meri, 35

Conversations involve two people, and Maddie should meet Nadia halfway. Nadia values calm, structured calls, especially with a baby coming, so Maddie should try scheduling them. Spontaneous texts can fill gaps, keeping closeness without sacrificing Nadia’s peace.
Lelio, 47

Scheduling phone calls with loved ones seems so corporate, like a work commitment, and Maddie’s right, it loses the excitement when you have something to share with your sister. If Nadia isn’t free, she shouldn’t answer.
Sophie, 42

Now you be the judge

In our online poll, tell us: should Maddie get the message and call at a better time?

The poll closes on Wednesday 18 November at 9am GMT

Last week’s results

We asked if Rosie was wrong to get so involved in her condo’s committee.