Talk less, listen more and six other top tips on giving good advice

“Often, when people approach you for advice, they just want to talk about how they feel,” says Annalisa Barbieri, advice columnist for the Guardian for almost 20 years. For example, you might vent to a friend about your awful boss, and if they’re shocked it could confirm you’re being treated badly. “I also think people can have a lot of shame when things aren’t working out, and we like to share shame because it’s a hot potato of a feeling.” In other words, not every situation warrants advice. Sometimes, the person just wants to gauge a reaction or to share.

In his Ted Talk How to Tame Your Advice Monster, Michael Bungay Stanier, the author of bestselling book The Coaching Habit, highlights the part of all of us that thinks we can solve people’s problems. “The advice monster looms up when someone starts talking, and you think: ‘Right, I’m about to add value to the conversation,’” he explains. “You think: ‘I have all the answers, and I want to have control and manage uncertainty.’ These are human drivers that are often useful, but can turn into patterns that are less helpful.”

It may sound simple, but ask before giving advice, says Bungay Stanier. Barbieri suggests a phrase she uses, albeit gently, with her children: “Do you want advice, or do you just want to vent?”

Am I jumping in too quickly?

As Bungay Stanier puts it in his book The Advice Trap, giving advice is not bad; it’s when advice is your default response to every situation or arrives too quickly that it can become a problem.

The solution? “Understanding that people aren’t looking for a silver bullet, but to be seen, heard and encouraged,” he says. When we move into advice mode too fast, we can send out the message that we think we’re smarter, better, faster. This sets up a power imbalance that makes people resistant to the advice they came for in the first place.

If you’re questioning whether you’re rushing to advice too quickly, do an audit, he suggests. “People don’t realise how fast they move to advice-giving. Even coaches who have been trained to slow down on giving advice can be very trigger-happy, because they want to be helpful. You have to unlearn that.”

Try it: can you let the conversation play out for more than two or three minutes before jumping in?

What’s the ‘real’ problem?

Listening is important because people are more likely to act on advice they feel they’ve come up with themselves, says psychologist Dr Lee Valls from the London Clinic. But also because, with time and space, they may discover that the presenting problem is not the real problem. “One problem may be masking a bigger, more existential one.”

One way to dig deeper into the real problem is to “stay curious”, says Bungay Stanier. You can ask questions such as: “What’s hard about this for you?” “What’s really going on?” “What have you already figured out?” He explains that “these kinds of questions can encourage agency, but also ensure you’re not giving them stuff they’ve already thought of.”

Barbieri has found that often when people are struggling it’s because their expectations do not match their experience: “Over the last 10 years, I think people’s expectations have become more divorced from reality, particularly with comparing ourselves to others over social media.” With this in mind, if someone says: “My partner is treating me like this,” you might say: “Is that how you want to feel?” rather than “That’s awful, you should do this.” This avoids putting more responsibility on the person when they’re already feeling burdened.

Should I encourage them to ‘commit’ or ‘decommit’?

Yitong Zhao of the University of Toronto researches how people help loved ones feel better during stress. In two recent studies, her team examined romantic relationships and friendships, exploring which approaches to advice led to better reported results for the relationship and advice seekers’ mental health.

They studied two approaches. Commitment to the problem involves staying with the person’s feelings rather than dismissing them, and suggesting new ideas, goals or perspectives, such as: “OK, this is hard, but is it also something you can learn from?” Decommitment involved responses such as “It’s not as bad as it seems,” or “It’s out of your hands.”

In highlighting their ability to take control of the situation, commitment led to the loved one feeling more supported and less judged. Decommitment, on the other hand, while an attempt at de-escalation, was riskier. “It can be invalidating – the person may assume you think they’re overreacting, or that they should feel less.”

The key takeaway: how people help is as important as whether they try to help. “When you try to help, it’s not about taking away how someone is feeling; it’s more about expanding what they’re feeling and adding new perspectives,” says Zhao.

Is my experience relevant here?

We’ve all been there. We’re seeking advice, and the person starts talking about their problems; worse yet, projecting. “We’re all biased,” explains Valls. “Whether we’re a friend or a sibling, the advice we give is shaped by our past experiences, alone or shared. Bias means you feel you know what’s best for the person. Sometimes that’s in their best interest; sometimes it isn’t.”

Valls’ advice: be wary of hijacking the conversation and making it about you. While sharing your own similar situation can be comforting, it’s better to try to hold the space, listen, then maybe share. “But it’s not necessary, and if you do share your experience, always bring it back to them,” says Valls. The dynamic should be like a dance or a game of tennis, where there’s a symbiosis, a back and forth, informing not dictating.

One way to focus the conversation on the person seeking advice is to ask them what their options are. When they go through the options, encourage them to listen to their body, their gut, their instincts, and see where that leads them. This is an approach that therapists and psychologists use. It can help improve the connection between the mind and the body, marrying thought with feeling. “The more there’s a connection there, the more we’re able to make good decisions.”

Are we both emotionally regulating?

Child psychologist Dr Margot Sunderland has written several books, including What Every Parent Needs to Know and Conversations That Matter. According to her, the most important thing for parents to know when giving advice to children and teenagers is not to shame. “If they come to you and you get angry or say: ‘That’s a terrible thing you did,’ you will be disqualified as someone to go to for help. Children very quickly decide: ‘Am I going to others for problem-solving or am I going to self-help?’” Self-help may sound positive, but can result in internalising problems and finding coping mechanisms that involve self-harm.

Regulation is important for both parties. “You’re in pain because your child is in pain, so we rush to fix it, rather than wait until you’re both calmer and can think together.” That might mean taking your shock elsewhere by talking to someone else before the difficult conversation. For your child, it might mean letting them run out of the room. “When there’s a problem or distress, we go into survival mode: they might slam a door (fight mode) or hide under the table (flight mode). Allow this to happen first, or they won’t hear your advice anyway.”

A term she comes back to is “hurry slowly”. Sunderland suggests something she did with her own small children: find two nearby toys and suggest that when the child needs help with their feelings, they can let you know by putting the toy cat on top of the Lego house, for example. “They can’t always tell you when they are ready to talk – that would be an adult thing to do – but they can show you.” Another tool for thinking together is drawing out the problem and possible solutions on paper. “It can take the pressure off a face-to-face conversation.”

Last, she reminds us, if a child or teenager comes to you with a problem, you have a child who is help-seeking, not going into self-help. “You should applaud yourself, that means you’ve done something right.”

Have I really got the answer?

When Barbieri agreed to become an advice columnist, it was on the condition that she could also consult experts: “I don’t have a problem with saying, ‘I don’t know,’ and I like finding out. I often send people to books or websites, or I go away and speak to a psychotherapist.”

When we don’t have the answers, it’s OK to support a friend in finding them – that’s not the same as saying we don’t want to help. Is there a podcast that might be useful? A way to seek third-party input? Or is it appropriate to ask: “Could therapy or counselling help?”

Often, says Valls, we go to a particular person for advice because they will validate us; what can be more helpful is an objective approach. Besides, there’s no one way to do life “right” – meaning there may not be one right answer either.

What’s the best way to follow up?

Zhao’s research suggests that sharing advice can improve our interpersonal relationships, if approached in a considered way. Other research suggests that responsive, empathetic advice is more likely to increase trust (as opposed to prescriptive advice, which can undermine it).

Today, people can always ask a chatbot for advice, but it doesn’t know us like we know one another. In the 10th anniversary edition of The Coaching Habit, Bungay Stanier reflects on what has changed since he first wrote the book. “ChatGPT can give good advice, with references and extra reading, faster than a person, and without personal entanglement. But the unintended effect of AI getting good at this stuff is people getting more isolated, and that’s a heavy price to pay as a society.”

What AI is also less good at than humans is following up with care. “Advice should not be a one-off conversation,” says Sunderland. Come back to the advice-seeker with: “I’ve been thinking of our conversation the other day – how have things been?”

And crucially, ask for feedback, to become a better advice-giver, advises Bungay Stanier. “Ask: ‘Was any of my advice useful?’ Usually, it’s the thing you least expected to help that has value.”