Enduring the tragedy of loss, Israeli families of suicide victims struggle to find a path to life

One might think that losing loved ones because they committed suicide would be the worst possible misfortune – more horrible than if they died in war, a terror attack, a road accident, or from disease. 

But Ofra Hermesh – one of the founders of Path to Life (Bishvil Hahayim, a play on words that also means “For Life”) whose son Assaf took his own life 31 years ago in a field near their Herzliya home – disagrees.

The voluntary organization she established with her psychiatrist husband Haggai aims at giving emotional support to bereaved families like theirs and to preventing others from taking their lives.

“Losing a loved one, especially one’s child, is horrific no matter how it happened. One will always live in the shadow of such tragedies,” Hermesh told In Jerusalem in an interview.

“Assaf was our eldest son, and we have three daughters. He started to speak early, and he was very verbal and had an impressive memory in kindergarten – but he couldn’t hold a pencil. We worried about how he would manage in first grade, because he didn’t have fine motor skills.”

“He didn’t like to write. In higher grades, he was in a regular class where all were gifted, but looking back, it was a mistake, because his classmates had a lot of motivation, but he didn’t have the motivation to work hard.”

She recalled that in high school, he wasn’t very skilled at sports, though he took a preparatory course for induction into the IDF and took part in an armored corps course near Eilat.

“He didn’t complain much, except that he didn’t want to be so far from home. In the last week of his 19 years of life, he was at home when there was a mobilization exercise. He got a phone message that the IDF was looking for him and that if he didn’t return immediately, he would be put in jail for a month,” Hermesh shared.

“He was so scared of authority. Haggai and I didn’t know, because we were on vacation. We came back and saw he wasn’t in his room, but his army boots were. Later, an IDF representative told us he had shot himself in a nearby field. He was buried in the Bnei Zion cemetery near Ra’anana.”

FOR 29 YEARS, she visited Assaf’s grave every week on Friday, but she stopped two years ago and now visits much less. “I don’t feel I need to do it. Some families don’t go at all.”

Young people, bemoaned Hermesh, “see everything in terms of black or white. He didn’t understand the significance of death. He was impulsive, but he didn’t confide in anyone. And since he was a soldier, we got emotional support from the IDF. I felt lost. My husband said that Assaf’s suicide was his worst failure as a psychiatrist.”

'There are still stigmas about suicide victims and their families today'

Assaf’s parents attended support groups. “I really needed them; the meetings helped. But if a family of someone who is not a soldier is in that catastrophic situation, no organization supports them,” she added.

They immediately felt stigmatized: “I was sure that people were talking about me behind my back, that they were crossing to the opposite sidewalk so as not to have to talk to me. Our family and some friends were with us, but many who knew us didn’t know what to say. There are still stigmas about suicide victims and their families today.”

Fortunately, their daughters, who were aged 10, 13, and 16, “returned to life. They are all married, and we have seven grandchildren who bring light into our lives,” Hermesh said happily.

“When they were younger, the girls didn’t want a photo of Assaf in the living room, so we put one and some of his things in our bedroom. His room isn’t an untouched monument. It’s my computer room, and I’m giving this interview from there.”

Bishvil Hahayim was officially founded in 2000, but Hermesh and her colleagues worked for several years beforehand to create an organization that would help families and prevent these calamities. Its budget comes from projects and contributions from Israel and abroad, and it would gladly take more volunteers.

“Eight years ago, the Social Welfare Ministry held a tender and chose two non-governmental organizations involved in preventing deaths from suicide, traffic accidents, and murder, and helping families left behind. We were one of the two. Studies show that such family members are at an eight-fold risk of committing suicide themselves,” said Hermesh.

“We give therapy in groups – to families, to individuals, and to siblings.”

‘Is something wrong? Can I help?’

DR. MAYA IOHAN-BARAK, a clinical psychologist and a board member of the organization, is also deputy head of the psychology service at Schneider Children’s Medical Center in Petah Tikva.

“Prevention begins when we teach young children of all ages, from kindergarten through high school, a strategy to get help, to express how they feel, and to learn about emotional strength. This helps them identify who is under stress so they can be helped,” said Iohan-Barak.

“They may keep to themselves, stop being social, or have a short fuse. Changes in a person’s behavior or emotional state should make family or friends stop and ask, ‘Is something wrong? Can I help?’”

“When one encounters someone who seems at risk, ask him or her directly if they were thinking of suicide. Don’t be judgmental, make fun of them, or berate them by saying: ‘Don’t talk like that; it’s ridiculous.’ It doesn’t plant the idea in their heads. There are all kinds of statements that give signs, such as ‘Soon I won’t be here’ or ‘My life is worthless,’” Iohan-Barak continued.

It’s best to be in touch with them and get help from a personal physician, public health fund, their school, or workplace: “There aren’t enough therapists, but one can always find help.”

Suicide is more common among recent immigrants or even second-generation immigrants from the former Soviet Union and Ethiopia. Females attempt suicide more often than males, but males actually carry out their plans more than women. The elderly who are depressed, lonely, or sick have the highest rate of all, Iohan-Barak said.

Scandinavia, the US, Europe, and Russia have higher suicide rates than in Israel, where there are between 500 and 550 per year and more than 10,000 attempted suicides.

There are misconceptions about suicide that the organization’s staff encounter, including that people who talk about it don’t really think about doing it. But even though there is much emotional stress and anxiety in Israel, “one can be optimistic that people can be helped. There’s more legitimacy to go for treatment, especially among men who were reluctant in the past.”

Research has taught that early prevention is vital. There were survivors of the Nova music festival on October 7, nearly three years ago, who later committed suicide, and some who lived in kibbutzim and moshavim along the Gaza border – a small number – who took their own lives as well, said Iohan-Barak.

She is nevertheless more hopeful than when the organization was launched, because “we have managed to break more glass ceilings and prevent many tragedies. Still, we can’t rest on our laurels.”

Suicide prevention does not only begin the moment a person comes to treatment

MICHAL ARCOSIN, Bishvil Hahayim’s director-general as of a few months ago, has over 15 years of management experience across the business, public, and social sectors, and is a doctoral student in public policy. She holds bachelor’s and master’s degrees in government and public policy and is a certified family mediator.

“I learned about the organization from IDF veterans suffering from post-trauma,” she shared.

Asked what’s still missing from Israel’s suicide-prevention system, she said: “It’s not the responsibility of just the health system, but also of the family, workplace, schools, and community to identify people at risk as early as possible. We want to reach more people in the haredi sector, especially overburdened women, the Arab sector, and lone soldiers who made aliyah by themselves.”

The story takes on new importance in the current period, after years of war, loss, trauma, and uncertainty that have left their mark on many parts of Israeli society, she said.

“Today, it’s particularly important to ask how an entire society can identify distress earlier, reduce the stigma surrounding seeking help, and give families, communities, workplaces, and professionals tools that can help and sometimes even save lives.”

Through the story of the association, it seems that suicide prevention does not only begin the moment a person comes to treatment. It begins much earlier – in its ability to identify change, ask, listen, know how to respond, and not be afraid to talk about suicide in a direct, responsible, and knowledge-based manner.

The organization operates in workplaces, public institutions, local authorities, government ministries, and the education and health systems through lectures, training, resilience workshops, and various programs.

Raising awareness has a dual role. On the one hand, it allows for a space for families who have experienced suicide, reducing the silence and stigma surrounding the circumstances of death and allowing them to receive recognition, support, and legitimacy to talk about their loss.

On the other hand, awareness is also a tool for prevention. The more people who know how to identify signs of distress, are not afraid to ask questions, understand how to approach the person they care about, and know where to turn for help, the greater the possibility of identifying distress earlier and intervening before the end point, Arcosin said.

Bishvil Hahayim’s support centers are in the center and the South of the country. Another organization, the Elah Center, runs the centers in the north and the Jerusalem area. Help is given according to predefined criteria: that the loss occurred in the past five years, and that it was a first-degree relative.

The NGO has worked with government ministries, especially the suicide prevention unit in the Health Ministry, and the Knesset. But the outgoing Knesset hasn’t been very active on the issue, said Arcosin.

If there were one thing she wishes that every Israeli knew about suicide, it would be that “it can happen in any home, rich or poor, living in the periphery or the city, religious or not, Jewish or Muslim or Christian. We encourage conversation so it becomes known. It is the country’s responsibility because it can suddenly happen anywhere.” 