I took 10 weeks of parental leave but couldn't fully leave work behind

For dads to be engaged caregivers, support cannot end with granting them time away from work, father-of-two Xander Ong says. 

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29 Aug 2026 09:30PM

Before I became a father, when mandatory paternity leave was still just two weeks, I thought spending two to three months away from work to focus on my growing family would be enough to transition to parenthood.

However, I was sorely mistaken. 

It took me four months to find my footing as a father in 2023, even though I wasn't employed during that time.

Then, in October 2025, I had my second child. The tension between being present for my family and my work responsibilities hit me hard.

I am fortunate to work at Centre for Fathering, a non-profit. With support from the board directors and my colleagues, I had 10 weeks of parental leave when my second child was born.

But even then, fully disconnecting from work was harder than I expected. 

I struggled as I considered the responsibilities and rhythms of the financial year, and how the team would operate without me.

Although I was physically present with my family, my mind was at work.

Even as the chief executive officer of an organisation dedicated to fatherhood, I found it hard to be fully present. It made me wonder: How much harder is it for other fathers? 

MORE LEAVE, BUT WILL FATHERS TAKE IT?

Since Apr 1, 2025, paternity leave has been legally protected, and fathers are entitled to four weeks of mandatory government-paid paternity leave.

The latest Family Trends Report from the Ministry of Social and Family Development (MSF), released last month, showed that 61 per cent of fathers whose child was born in 2024 took government-paid paternity leave, up from 47 per cent for children born in 2016. 

This is encouraging. But it also means that nearly four in 10 fathers take no paternity leave.

The reasons are often personal and practical. From our conversations with dads at the Centre for Fathering, some have shared concerns about stepping away from work, including difficulties arranging cover for their responsibilities, or balancing work and family demands. 

Self-employed fathers may not be familiar with the support available to them as well. 

However, such personal considerations are not the only factors that can influence a father's decision to take paternity leave. Workplace cultures can also discourage them from taking the leave available to them.

Many workplaces are still struggling to adapt to the notion of fathers as caregivers. 

Even though progress has been made, attitudes and mindset shifts take time, and it could be many years before fathers are seen as caregivers with the same importance as mums.

Many workplaces provide entitlements such as parental leave and flexible work arrangements, but the attitudes of line managers and colleagues can send a different or loud message.

Subtle disapproval in tone or body language, and requests for meetings during a father’s leave tell people that those who make family a priority are seen as less committed to their work.

During this year's National Day Rally on Aug 23, Prime Minister Lawrence Wong announced that parents will enjoy more childcare leave, with each parent getting up to 12 days of leave a year depending on the number of children they have.

While these measures give parents more opportunities to care for their children, workplace disapproval may discourage fathers from taking time off. 

It reinforces mothers as the main caregivers, even though fathers do play a crucial role in a child's upbringing.

Today, about half of fathers and mothers do not use their childcare leave, as shown in the July report on family trends by MSF.

With the government now funding all childcare leave days, instead of employers bearing the cost of the first three days, a key cost barrier is reduced. 

Employers should therefore have greater incentive to support workers taking leave, which could help increase take-up. 

If take-up remains low, that could point to a gap between our ambition to be a nation "Made For Families", as the national initiative supporting marriage and parenthood puts it, and the lived experience of working parents.

BEING MENTALLY PRESENT AT HOME

My parental leave took place over the year-end, when several colleagues were also away. Although we had delegated work and postponed some projects, a few matters still came back to me because some decisions ultimately had to be made by the CEO. 

More often than I would have liked, I had to spend some hours resolving work matters, and these concerns occupied my mind even when I was looking after my children.

This experience reinforced that advance planning must be specific: identify who has decision-making authority, what can wait, and what genuinely warrants contacting someone on leave. 

My wife was understandably disappointed that I couldn't honour my promise to be present with our family, because work had intruded. 

I am not proud of those moments. That struggle made me consider what being present really means.

It is not pretending that work doesn't exist. Rather, it's choosing to give my children my full attention when I'm with them. 

If a work matter needs my attention, I set aside time to handle it before shifting my full focus back to my family. 

What doesn't work is living in an in-between state of mind – worrying about my family commitments when I am working, or mulling over work matters when I am with my family. 

I find that the true joy in both comes from being engaged in the moment, whether at work or with my family. 

Some of the most important anchors of fatherhood are ordinary and consistent: a morning walk, playing together, or reading to my child before bed.

These quiet, everyday moments are crucial to strengthening my bond with my child, but they are easy to miss if my mind is on work.

BUILDING A WORKPLACE THAT SUPPORTS FATHERS

Letting go of work isn't easy. But that doesn't mean it is impossible.

For fathers, preparing your workplace and having conversations with your colleagues long before parental leave begins is important.

It ensures that you spend your leave focusing not on your work, but on being there for your newborn, caring for your wife as she recovers from childbirth, and adjusting together to life with a new baby.

The tension between work and family will always be there. Working it through early and deliberately makes a difference. 

Your line managers and colleagues are likely to be more supportive if there is a clear transition plan in place.

I began conversations with my board directors and colleagues months in advance about what it meant for me to be away for so long. 

I delegated what I could and, when possible, pushed project pipelines down the road for when I returned from leave.

But fathers can only do so much to switch off, as I learnt during my own parental leave. 

We can plan ahead and set boundaries, but if work messages keep pinging during our time off, it becomes much harder to tune out.

So workplaces must also make a cultural shift to support fatherhood. It requires more than good intentions and must be reflected in how an organisation is run. 

This means documenting key processes so that work can continue during parental leave and planning proper handovers and coverage.

People managers also need to know how – or be trained – to handle a father's leave well.

They should respond positively when leave is requested, help redistribute work, respect the leave period without unnecessary contact, and support a smooth return to work.

In practice, building this culture means putting simple safeguards in place. 

For example, agree upfront who will make decisions while the father is away, remove him from non-essential work chats and avoid contacting him during leave unless there is a genuine emergency. 

Managers should also plan workload coverage properly so that the person on leave does not return to an unmanageable backlog, and ensure that taking parental leave does not count against him during appraisal, promotion or bonus discussions. 

These small practices send a clear signal that the organisation genuinely supports fathers being present for their families. 

With these measures in place, employers should examine whether their policies and practices translate into better outcomes for parents. 

This means tracking how many fathers and mothers take leave and how many are still with the organisation a year later, and work to improve both. These are objective measures of how supportive a company is of families with young children. 

We can plan ahead and set boundaries, but if work messages keep pinging during our time off, it becomes much harder to tune out.

Leaders also play a key role in shaping workplace culture because fathers pay attention to what those above them do, not just what policies say.

When a leader prioritises his family and protects the leave of the fathers on his team, he sends the message that the organisation values and supports fathers.

Having seen the value of fathering programmes and peer support groups in schools and communities, we are working to extend these efforts to more workplaces, where fathers can also find practical support and encouragement. 

A large part of Dads for Life, a national movement that encourages fathers to be more involved in their children’s lives, is about fathers coming together, being intentional about their role, and learning from and encouraging one another.

As a father myself, I know first-hand the struggles of raising a child. 

There's a saying that it takes a village to raise a child – and our workplaces are very much part of this village. Every workplace has a role in enabling fathers to choose to be present for their child.

Dr Xander Ong is chief executive officer of Centre for Fathering and a father of two young children.