You be the judge: should my brother have told me the money I lent him was for his holiday?

I thought I was lending Ahmed money for something vital, not a trip to Greece

My brother Ahmed and I both live at home – he’s 27 and I’m 25. I look up to him, but he’s much more disorganised than me, and over the years has asked me to keep secrets from our parents when he’s messed up. I lent him money recently, which he then used to go on holiday with his friends. It annoyed me, but I didn’t tell our parents.

Ahmed is between jobs right now. I am doing a journalism internship, but at least I have a wage. When Ahmed asked me for the money he didn’t say what it was for, but I assumed it was living expenses or something essential. Our parents work but send money home to family in Somalia, so we try to help out with the rent. Ahmed hasn’t been paying much recently but my parents don’t mind as they want him to find work. Also, I think that as the eldest son, he gets away with more.

Ahmed and I are close but we don’t talk in detail about our finances. I assumed that for him to have to ask me for money, it was vital. I lent him £400 a month or so ago, which is a lot out of my monthly internship pay of £1,500. We didn’t discuss terms or when he would repay me, but I thought it would be sooner rather than later.

But two weeks later, he tells me he is going away with his friends to Greece for five days. I thought: “Am I a mug?” It doesn’t seem reasonable to say you’re hard up and then go on holiday abroad. Ahmed said: “Just because you lent me money doesn’t mean you can dictate what I spend it on.” I wasn’t trying to dictate. And I don’t expect Ahmed to live like a monk until he repays me.

Luckily, I don’t need the money back urgently, but I felt stupid when he was away while I was working. I think that if you’ve borrowed a significant amount of money from someone, you should make an effort to pay them back before spending hundreds on non-essentials.

Our parents noticed some tension between us, but I didn’t tell them why, as I knew Ahmed would be embarrassed. He said he will pay me back “soon” but it’s going to be a long time after his holiday, I’m sure.

The defence: Ahmed

I got a cheap flight to cheer myself up – so what? The lender doesn’t get to dictate how the money is spent

Obviously I’m appreciative of my sister lending me money. Times are tough right now as I was made redundant from my recruitment job a while ago and I haven’t been able to help our parents out as much as I’d like. I don’t enjoy being in this position, but I’d rather borrow from my family than take out a loan or get into credit card debt.

When my sister gave me the £400, she literally said: “Pay me back whenever you can.” I didn’t realise there was an unspoken deadline. If you lend someone money in good faith, you cannot tell them what to spend it on. That was never part of the deal. If it had been, I wouldn’t have agreed to it.

I spent some of the £400 on food, going out and a Ryanair flight. I don’t think I should be demonised for that. The trip was already being discussed with my friends and I did it as cheaply as possible. Ayaan acts as if I was gallivanting across the world, waving her cash around as I went. It wasn’t like that. I’m between jobs, which means I’ve already had to cut back on loads of things and that knocks your confidence. I don’t think owing somebody money means you have to put your entire life on hold until you’re employed again.

Ayaan says she doesn’t need the money urgently, so I don’t really understand why me going away has suddenly changed the agreement. If she’d said: “I need this back next month”, that would be different and I would have prioritised it, but she didn’t. Of course I will pay her back and I’m applying for jobs. I just don’t think lending someone money gives you the right to monitor everything they spend it on in the meantime.

I appreciate Ayaan not telling our parents. They are fairly strict and want to know what we are doing all the time, especially Ayaan. I don’t think it’s true that I get an easier ride as the eldest son, though. They are always on my case about getting back into work, but thankfully haven’t asked me for rent since I was laid off. I don’t want to be in this position, but I’m happy Ayaan has helped me out. I’d do the same for her.

Names have been changed

The jury of Guardian readers

Ayaan should have asked what the money was for before agreeing to lend it. But it seems wrong that Ahmed didn’t tell her if he was already planning the holiday. I wouldn’t have been able to relax on my sunbed knowing I’d hoodwinked my sister.
David, 45

If you’re lending money to someone because they’re in a tight spot, them using it to go on holiday is very cheeky. It sounds as if Ahmed knows that – if not, why didn’t he tell Ayaan what it was for before he borrowed it?
Christy, 50

Ayaan can chill on this one. Ahmed needed to blow off some steam and go away with his friends. They sound like a family that looks after each other and pay back debts, so I think Ahmed should be cut some slack.
Grace, 33

Ahmed is right to say “the lender doesn’t get to dictate how the money is spent”, but not telling his sister that it was for a holiday and letting her assume it was for living expenses is bang out of order. I’m with Ayaan.
Kofi, 25

It’s not Ahmed’s fault that he’s out of work at the moment, but if he wanted to borrow money for a holiday, he should have been upfront with Ayaan from the start. She’s lent her brother a big chunk of her monthly earnings, and he should make more of an effort to pay it back.
Jessie, 38

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