This is how we do it: ‘We don’t have penetration – but it’s by far the best sex I’ve ever had’

The mechanics of how we have sex don’t matter to me. I still feel the same degree of pleasure

Sex with Nina is by far the best I’ve ever had. Our intimate life is incredibly communicative, but it wasn’t always that way. We were friends who lived in a house-share together, and decided to start a relationship. We hit an early roadblock – penetrative sex was very painful for her.

After that first time, we both shut down. We were each coming to it with our own worries. In the past, I felt anxiety about whether I was doing sex right, so I was left worrying that I had done it all wrong. Nina felt concerned that penetrative sex would feel better for me, and that without it our sex wouldn’t be good enough. We still tried penetrative sex for a bit, but it clearly wasn’t working. It started to feel ridiculous that we were even trying.

We had some productive conversations, and scribbled all our concerns down on a mind map. We looked it up, and Nina’s symptoms marry up with vaginismus, so we educated ourselves about that. We built our sex life organically from the ground up. We would kiss and grind on each other, and we knew that felt good.

Over time, she has seen how much I enjoy sex with her, which has eased her worries that I might crave anything else. The mechanics of how we have sex don’t matter to me. I still feel the same degree of pleasure the way we do it, and I am so happy to have Nina as my partner in life and in the bedroom.

Nowadays, I would say our sex life is quite mobile – we might both be on our backs or facing each other, and I might touch her from the front or wrap my arm around and touch her from behind. We can change it up more than other couples, because the positions of penetrative sex are more restrictive.

With previous sexual partners, I didn’t feel confident I was doing it right, because we stuck to the same formula we had seen in films. We didn’t play around and feed back about what felt good for us. But because Nina and I have built our sex life together, it’s created a place of comfortableness and love.

Nina, 23

We tried penetrative sex but it really hurt me and I didn’t experience any pleasure

I’d only had one sexual encounter before Noah. I dated this guy for a few months. It was exclusively finger penetration, which I found incredibly painful. It was my first inkling that penetrative sex would be difficult. He didn’t communicate about what he was doing when he put his fingers inside me, and I didn’t feel comfortable with him at all.

When Noah and I slept together the first time we tried penetrative sex, but it was a complete disaster. It really hurt me and I didn’t experience any pleasure whatsoever – I may as well have been sticking something up my nose! I felt insecure – Noah had more sexual experience than me and I thought he might want someone who could have penetration and call things off – but he’s just a lovely, kind human.

As time went on, I started to realise he wasn’t going to end things and stopped worrying about it so much. I remember he joked: “It doesn’t really matter where the willy goes!” We have been together for three years now and he makes me feel entirely secure.

I know I should probably go to the doctor and find out why penetrative sex is so painful, but I just don’t feel the urge because there isn’t anything missing from our love life.

The bread and butter of our sex life is touching each other at the same time. I think nonpenetrative sex is more fluid and dynamic, and you are not limited by the positions of penis-in-vagina sex.

I find it frustrating when people define sex as penetrative. There are so many ways to have sex. In TV and film, you always see couples having penetration – I would like to see more straight nonpenetrative couples represented. I would define our sex life as full – fun, hot and loving.
Names have been changed