We terminated a pregnancy so our daughter never had to suffer. It was agony. It cannot be the right of One Nation – or any anti-abortion activist – to choose for us | Anonymous

It felt like a cliche out of a medical drama. We huddled together in the ultrasound room, marvelling at the shadow of our baby moving on the screen in the darkness; behind us, the technician quietly left the room “just to check some numbers”. The wait stretched out; five, 10 minutes. When she finally returned, a more senior doctor in tow, we knew something was horribly wrong.

Several sleepless nights and tear-filled days later, we had our diagnosis. Our daughter had a genetic syndrome – not inherited from either of us but a completely random genetic error that occurred during cell division – that put her chance of living until birth at something close to 1%. Even if she were safely born, she could never have children of her own without drastic intervention and would require medical care throughout her life – care we could not afford to provide.

The choice that was presented to us was horrendous.

Those words are insufficient. We stared at the walls and moved through our days in a daze, in a fog of confusion and fear. The bright sun and beautiful weather became mocking, cruel. After fighting so long to become pregnant, we had been struck by a curse, a one-in-a-thousand fluke of nature, a bolt from the blue that destroyed our lives. But we had to face the reality of the situation: a week after the diagnosis, tearful and worn out, we terminated the pregnancy.

Now imagine all of that but you cannot even begin to find and centre yourself, to begin to breathe again, let alone heal; all of that but now you have no control over your own body – thanks to One Nation and anti-abortion activists. Perhaps you will have to outrun yet another time limit – this time with criminal penalties attached – or jump states or even countries to regain some small semblance of control over your own lives, your own fates. (In the US, where such activists are ascendant, these are not mere hypotheticals but very real situations many families find themselves in.)

They likes of Barnaby Joyce and Pauline Hanson want to pretend their stances – as extreme as they already are – are the conciliatory, reasonable, measured options. Certainly, our circumstances (a termination for medical reasons made before 20 weeks) would not have been affected by One Nation’s official policy on restricting abortion access.

On Wednesday the party’s New South Wales leader, Mike Newman, said its policy on abortion was “clear” and he had “made a mistake” when he told a rally that he wanted abortions to “stop”. But his initial comments and the presence of Malcolm Roberts at a gathering this year where a preacher called women who have had terminations “murderers” are telling.

One Nation’s stance more broadly is already emboldening anti-abortion activists whose explicit goal is to outlaw abortion entirely. And if Roberts is merely a loose cannon, or Newman simply misstated and obfuscated what One Nation’s “clear” policies actually are, then party discipline is so weak it doesn’t matter what the leader says – only what its most extreme elements desire.

And it’s not just One Nation: the Libertarian John Ruddick introduced legislation in the NSW upper house to criminalise sex-selective abortions. Newman said he would support the bill’s principles in parliament. Thankfully it was voted down in the Legislative Council on Wednesday.

At a time like this, those policies don’t offer compassion, warmth or empathy; instead, they call us killers and would have forced us to carry our baby until she died. We are infuriated by the re-emergence of this issue, of our pain, of our grief and suffering, as a political football. This is not a game; this is our reality.

So-called “pro-life” advocates are anything but. For those born in circumstances incompatible with the living of a good life, will they be there to offer a helping hand? Or does their devotion to the sanctity of life begin and end with taking control of the lives of others and forcing them to live a hell not of their own making?

No parents should have to make the decision that we had to make. But nor should their ability to choose be stripped from them.

There is an unjust perception that those who choose termination are monsters, or unfeeling robots, who don’t think of foetuses as children or potential people. But our daughter was real. We knew she was there; we saw her moving in the ultrasounds; we dreamed of meeting her, discovering her smile, her joys and her fears and laughter and good days and bad, and of guiding her to experience all that is good and wonderful in this world.

We take on this suffering so she never has to suffer.

We must defend – ardently, passionately, implacably – the right of parents to choose, in whatever circumstances they find themselves.

At the heart of every decision to terminate a pregnancy is this simple recognition: the family has judged themselves unable or unwilling to devote the time, care, resources and attention to keep a child healthy and happy. And that is theirs to judge and to feel the crushing weight of. It cannot be the right of Hanson, of Joyce, of Roberts, of Newman or any anti-abortion activist to choose for us. It belongs to those closest to the pain.

In Australia, support is available at Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636, Lifeline on 13 11 14, and at MensLine on 1300 789 978