Great British Baking Show recap: Biscuit week finally involves cookies!

At long last, The Great British Baking Show’s bakers made cookies—actual cookies! To differentiate them from those hard, crusty British bricks (e.g. “biscuits”), they were called “American cookies.”

I realize this is just my basic-ass palate, but I will always be happy with a chocolate chip cookie that’s crisp on the outside and nearly raw in the center. That’s a cookie. Everything else is a monstrosity and a plague on desserts. Just kidding, those of you who love biscuits!

As if that wasn’t exciting enough, Bake-Off has given us a genuine Paul Hollywood foil in judge Nigella Lawson. It’s not that Mary Berry and Prue Leith didn’t have differing opinions, but Nigella is willing to push back against Mr. Handshake Man and not defer to his authority.

When he said American cookies should be indulgent and “naughty,” Nigella delivered a mini-TED Talk about the language of diet culture: “I don’t approve of talking about food as naughty. We need to take our pleasures where we can in life,” she told Paul. Amen! Let’s have some cookies.

At the deliberation table, the judges joked they’d arm wrestle to see which baker was going home. Paul said he’d let her win—insulting—and Nigella let him have it: “I’m the one that lifts weights,” she said. “You’re just sitting around. I wouldn’t pick a fight with me.”

Signature ► American cookies! With decorations!

Though as soon as the bakers were talking about what they were putting in and on their cookies, this American was like, ew. Gary said he was making chocolate chip cookies—but added dried sour cherries, salt, and pecans. Gary, leave them alone!

I appreciated their descriptions. Gabe’s cookies were “nutty and fruity, so it’s me all over,” he said, LOL. Mo called biscuits “an old people thing,” and since he’s 21, he probably means people age 25 experiencing their quarter-life crisis and needing to eat a cookie or 13.

While Noel interrupted Danni to make jokes about the work he does for Paul, Danni eventually said—and I loved this so much—”I think you’re just describing being a raccoon at this point.”

Clara, whose wedding will involve mechanical bulls and a tiramisu instead of cake (Yes! Make your wedding what you want it to be!), decorated with “Just married!”; Connie decorated with a bit of a mess.

Danni, who’s vegan, didn’t taste her non-vegan cookies, and that was a bad idea. Other bakers got feedback that their decorations were out of proportion or overwhelming the cookie, and I didn’t think that was possible. Bring on the frosting!

Technical ► “Consistency in flavor, texture, and color,” Paul said about his spray tan—I mean, the technical. The challenges returned to British biscuits with the “iced gem,” a tiny biscuit with a dollop of rainbow royal icing that, in Noel’s words, “looks like an ice cream man’s poo.” Yummy!

I really love technicals that aren’t just basic recipes. This time, they had tiny gingham cloths with tiny cookies underneath to taste and inspect—and that was it. The challenge, then, is not guessing what the final product should look like, but knowing how to make its components.

I also liked the hosts’ description of it, because I have a fifth-grader’s mind. The bakers had five minutes “to do whatever you like with [the samples],” Alison said, and Noel quickly added: “within reason.” HA.

Gary’s leathery, “autumnal”-colored gems were last. Mo, who thought the challenge easy, came in second, but Connie won—recovering from her morning disaster. Danni was second-worst, so she was in trouble.

Showstopper ► The bakers were tasked with creating a biscuit mosaic, glued onto a big biscuit backdrop. Alas, no one took Noel and Alison’s suggestion to create “a wallaby in dungarees driving a combine harvester.”

Mo’s mosaic was a journey: he made a toucan—because he had parrots? Then he told Noel “it died once” (!) and “I used a hair dryer to resurrect it.” Um, WHAT THE FUCK. That sounds like a horror movie! How did Noel not demand answers?

Danni—who restores vintage computers and constantly makes me jump because her voice is about 50 percent louder than everyone else’s in the tent—made the judges consider leaving the tent.

“I’m going to give you guys a virus!” she said, and then, in case that didn’t sound creepy enough, said her bake’s “flavors are inspired by cyanide.” When she presented it, Nigella said, “You eat it first, Paul.” LOL. The flavor worked, but the biscuit, not so much. Danni “really gave that dough a hammering,” Nigella said.

Connie created a Jamaican flag mosaic “to say we haven’t forgotten you and our hearts are with you” after the devastation from last year’s hurricane. Then she choked up trying to describe it. Nigella reassured her and everyone watching, “You mustn’t apologize for having emotion.”

Star Baker/leaving the tent ► Nigella said Connie was “brilliant in the technical and she was really brilliant in the showstopper,” but despite his design disaster, Tom had the best biscuit flavor, so he won Star Baker.

I was surprised, considering the praise they had for Connie’s showstopper and her performance in the technical.

No surprise, however, that delightful Danni was out—even from her. “I know everyone in there is more skilled than me,” she said.

And Nigella, I won’t apologize for the emotion I felt when Danni said that the other bakers became her friends, and “Finding love in a group of strangers—that’s just beautiful.” It is, and so is this show!

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