Moronic, infantile, dull... Lineker's new game show is the worst ever: CHRISTOPHER STEVENS reviews The Box
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By CHRISTOPHER STEVENS, TV CRITIC
Published: | Updated:
The Box (ITV)
Rating:
You have to watch The Box. Make a date, set the recorder, seek it out via catch-up, but whatever you do, see it for yourself.
Because nothing I say is going to convince you how spectacularly ill-conceived, tasteless, moronic, dull and infantile this show is.
It's as though ITV bosses have set out to create the worst game show in TV history, and succeeded. And then they've thought, 'How can we make this even worse? Here's an idea . . .
'Get Gary Lineker to present it!'
Stretched across an hour and featuring ten celebrity contestants, The Box featured three rounds.
The first was a treasure hunt on a building site, where the players had to find bits of plywood painted yellow.
'It's as though ITV bosses have set out to create the worst game show in TV history, and succeeded' says Christopher Stevens as Gary Lineker presents on new show The Box
The premise of The Box is that our ten C-list celebs arrive at some unknown location, each locked in a yellow wardrobe on the back of a truck
The second was an egg-and-spoon race, on a racecourse. And the final was a game of rock, paper, scissors, involving only two of the players.
Throughout all this, the Boy Lineker hung around on the edges with nothing to do but shout vague instructions through a megaphone. He had no jokes, no patter, no personality and no reason to be there.
I never thought I'd say this but this is one format that could actually be improved by Phillip Schofield.
It would still be atrocious dross but at least he had the ability to pretend he actually cared about the shows he presented.
Gary couldn't have made his feelings more plain if he'd bellowed through his loudhailer, 'I know this is rancid crud but I've divebombed my TV career and I don't know what else to do.'
The premise of The Box is that our ten C-list celebs arrive at some unknown location, each locked in a yellow wardrobe on the back of a truck. Do they really travel the country like that? Of course not.
You might think Gary, given how vocal he is about illegal migrants, might have more sense than to front a game show about people being crammed inside containers, loaded onto lorries and driven around the country.
Among the contestants is former Speaker of the House of Commons John Bercow, a tiny man with an ego so bloated, he was in danger of becoming wedged inside his box.
With his short legs and waddlesome body, Bercow looks like a Steiff teddy bear when he runs.
He also cheats at the egg-and-spoon race, which is about what you'd expect.
His faint glimmer of fame is due entirely to that ridiculous way he roared, 'Order!' in the House, and he happily does it on demand, for anyone who asks, like a stuffed bear with a drawstring.
Joey Essex, a man who achieved his own fragment of fame for no discernible reason at all, was impressed. 'You was the Order man?' he asked. 'What, like, in that Big Room?'
Words can't convey how abysmal it all is. I'm reduced to incoherence. Just . . . Eurgh. Wow. Gurk. Box. Bleurrh.
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