‘SNL’ Cold Open Goes Full MAGA Midterms Desperation With Hegseth’s “Schlong Donkeys”, Trump’s Rambles & A Sad VP

Just a month away from the volatile midterms and a president way down in the polls, there was once again a plethora of political material ripe for this week’s SNL cold open, and the NBC late-nighter went full MAGA, with some Mitch McConnell on the side.

Played by Mickey Day, the wheelchair bound 84-year-old Kentucky senator offered a premature “Live from New York” before being cut off by RNC ad consultants desperate to turn things around for the GOP. To that, there was a “He tricked us” (in Spanish) Marco Rubio, portrayed by the always on point Marcello Hernández, and a 2028 J.D. Vance (Jeremy Culhane) that no one wanted to actually put in a spot.

Then there was Colin Jost’s Pete Hegseth, putting the fun in whack job Defense Secretary once again.

“What’s up, schlong donkeys?” the Saturday Night Live Weekend Update co-anchor began in what might have been one of the greatest campaign ads ever (we’re talking 1954 Daisy level) if it was real. “Now listen up, okay, because I need all you patriots at home to do the gayest thing ever and vote. Thanks to me, the military finally has its priorities and sexuality straight.”

Tossing in some slam poetry, Jost’s Hegseth added: “In conclusion, vote, I guess. And remember, even if you’re stationed overseas, you can still vote by mail, which is the only by mail I’m cool with.”

Of course, this being a MAGA paraody and being SNL, the joke had to go further. Having said that, unlike many too-long cold open, this semi-morbid midterm skit work at the extra length – entirely because POTUS came to cook, base loathing and all.

“I’m President Trump and I approve this ramble,” started a typically and wonderfully unhinged James Austin Johnson.

Drawing from the fiction that is so much of Trumpland’s facts, he added in the fake ad: “We’re getting bogged out there, but not for long because I have a solution. If the Republicans win, I’ll give everyone $5,000, and that is not a bribe because I have no intention of following through on that promise.

“So, just pretend I’m on the ballot, okay? You have to use something called imagination. Imagination makes a MAGA nation. Wow, that’s pretty good. I can already see that written on the back of an obese woman’s booty shorts in dirty, disgusting Myrtle Beach. What a hell all this country is! It’s full of awful people.”

Perhaps but not in tonight’s spot-on cold open.

Delayed a tad again on the West Coast like last week’s season opener thanks to college football, tonight’s SNL is the second show of the 52^nd season.

Verity star Dakota Johnson is hosting SNL for the third time. Coming off a big box office start for the Collen Hoover thriller, Johnson is joined by Turnstile as musical guest. This is the Maryland rockers’ SNL debut. Next week will see one-time dumped cast member Shane Gilis back for his third time hosting. The October 10 show will see the much-acclaimed Rosalía will be returning for her third SNL appearance.