How childlessness grief can reappear later in life

Allison Macaulay-Dear's best friend recently became a grandmother.

"I was thrilled for her obviously," the 62-year-old from South Australia says.

"But it's still painful."

That's because Allison couldn't have children of her own. And it's moments like these when the pain of childlessness feels sharper.

"It just hurts. I haven't got little babies around me and never will. That part is difficult," she says.

Sarah Roberts is a childlessness grief counsellor and lived experience advocate based in Brisbane/Meanjin.

She says while many women adjust to the grief of being childless not by choice over time, living in a culture geared towards families can highlight an "absence of intergenerational relationships".

A timeline of grief

For some childless people, the grief follows a timeline of the baby they never had, says Ms Roberts.

"The child that they are grieving for can age as their peers' children do.

"Loss of a baby, then loss of the school years, then the young adult relationship.

"And then it can be the next generation having their own children."

Allison was only 20 when she had a hysterectomy due to a combination of medical issues. She saw a psychologist at the time who suggested a private writing exercise.

"He said, 'Write a letter to the child you you're never going to have with all the things you would have liked to have done with that child.'

"I [wrote] about me taking them to school for the first time. Those milestones when you're a proud mum.

"I thought it was a good thing, to put those feelings on paper."

The 'pain points' of menopause, retirement and aging

Pain points past the "acute" initial grief of childlessness can happen during perimenopause and menopause, Ms Roberts says.

"We are hit in that sense that 'my biological fertility is really over.'"

During retirement, she says grandchildren can provide someone with a sense of validation — "like a meaningful role they can take on".

"Also that opportunity to just delight in children and have that meaningful relationship without having to necessarily be responsible for them. And it's an added layer of connection to their own children."

That can be quite "tender" for a childless person to witness, Ms Roberts says, for example when approached by friends enthusiastically sharing stories and photos of grandkids.

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Aging can bring up fears around not having children to lean on for support, too.

Adult children can provide their parents with physical care, social connection, incidental care — "Help, my TV remote isn't working!" — and advocacy, Ms Roberts says.

"I will often have women downplay their anxieties, saying, 'You can't rely on kids' … but often when the shit hits the fan, kids do step in in some way."

Finding meaning and purpose

Ms Roberts is 57 and says she spent a "good decade" grieving not being able to have a child.

These days, she sometimes feels relief.

"When you're in the grief you only grieve for the bits that are lost.

"But I do have little moments that surprise me. Sometimes when I see the challenges parents are experiencing in their lives."

She says it's an ongoing bittersweet experience.

"There are beautiful things I love about my life, but I do have a sense of living with the ongoing absence."

Finding meaning and purpose outside of having children can help when grief reappears, Ms Roberts says.

"It's a non-conventional life where women have to actively construct meaning and purpose and what that looks like for them.

"I have seen women doing extraordinary things."

For Ms Roberts, that's land regeneration.

"I've found meaning in joining a local bushcare group.

"I also work on my own acreage property in terms of [attracting] native animals."

Building networks with people who aren't parents can be helpful, she says.

"Sometimes even empty-nesters. There is a bit more synergy there and they are also trying to build meaning outside of parenting."

Ms Roberts says every life has highs and lows, and it's finding ways to cope with what that looks like for you.

"While childlessness is challenging, childless women really are capable.

"Particularly when they have had the time and space to make sense of that."