Commentary: How I learnt to talk about infertility without sharing everything

Individuals going through fertility treatment find themselves having to explain why they are feeling out of sorts or need time off, says IVF mum Fazirah Sa’im.

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10 Nov 2026 06:00AM

SINGAPORE: When a woman finds out she is pregnant, she may not tell everyone straight away.

She might tell her partner immediately, her family a little later, and her boss or colleagues only after the first trimester. She may even wait until her belly shows before making the news public.

But fertility treatment demands a different kind of disclosure. Unlike a natural pregnancy, treatments like in-vitro fertilisation (IVF) involve complex medical processes before there is even a pregnancy to announce. There may be appointments, procedures and side effects, and people may need to take time off work or seek practical and emotional support. 

The question then for those going through it is: How much do they need to share?

Individuals going through fertility treatment find themselves having to explain to their boss and colleagues why they need time off or why they are feeling out of sorts. How can they talk about what they are going through without sharing every detail? Can they realistically go through it without telling anyone?

GAPS IN AWARENESS

A recent Thomson Medical-National University of Singapore study found a gap in fertility knowledge among young adults in Singapore. Only one in 10 respondents answered five basic fertility questions correctly.

Awareness of fertility services was patchy too, with just 54 per cent familiar with early interventions such as fertility screening. What is more striking is that up to 25 per cent of respondents were behind their ideal timelines for having children.

These findings reveal not only a lack of fertility understanding, but also a degree of complacency among aspiring parents, who may not think about infertility until it confronts them. Perhaps that is partly because we do not hear enough from people who have experienced infertility. 

We talk about when people should marry and when they should have children. But there is less discussion about what happens when people want children and their bodies do not cooperate – which then makes the path to parenthood less straightforward than expected.

More conversations about infertility can bridge some of that gap. But not everyone going through it feels comfortable opening up. While infertility is not a personal failure, it still cuts deep. The grief, frustration and uncertainty of it are real.

When I met with an early miscarriage at five weeks on my third IVF try, I shut down. I barely wanted to speak, not even to my husband, much less anyone else.

The day after we received the news, my husband sat me down in the living room and showed me a YouTube video of a couple who also experienced an early miscarriage during their IVF journey. I broke down.

My husband did not blame me, so why was I being so hard on myself? His gesture reminded me that we do not have to carry the difficult experience by ourselves.

DECIDING HOW MUCH TO SHARE

But being open should be different from being completely transparent. We can choose what to share, with whom and how much.

Our partners and family may be the people we lean on most. A close friend may simply need to know that we're having a difficult time. A boss, meanwhile, may only need to know that we have recurring medical appointments and may occasionally need flexibility because of treatment or its side effects.

That distinction became clear to me during the “two-week wait” after an embryo transfer as part of an IVF cycle. This is the anxious period between transferring an embryo into the uterus and finding out whether it resulted in a pregnancy. 

If it had, I would prefer to share the news with my boss and colleagues after the first trimester – just like any other woman who found out she is pregnant.

But if I had told my boss that I was going for an embryo transfer, I might have to answer the inevitable question: “So, have you found out yet?”

While I know questions like these come from a good place, when undergoing fertility treatment, even well-intentioned questions can feel like pressure.

This is also the case when people share someone else's experience with fertility treatments. “My friend did IVF and got pregnant on her first try.” “My cousin had better results with IVF than she did with intrauterine insemination (IUI).”

Because those undergoing fertility treatment are already navigating uncertainty, hearing another person's success story offers little encouragement. The more useful thing to say is simply: “I'm here if you want to talk,” which allows them to decide how much they want to share.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE OPEN UP

Finding the courage to open up helped me realise how many different fertility journeys exist, often quietly. 

I know someone who went through IVF seven times, in different countries, before eventually conceiving naturally.

I would not have known her story had I not opened up to my former boss about a relatively rare complication of IVF: ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS), where the ovaries become swollen and the body retains fluid. My boss then introduced me to this IVF warrior.

The more we talk about infertility, the more we also create opportunities for families, friends and colleagues to better understand what we are going through. It can also help nudge others towards being more proactive about family planning.

A couple may realise that fertility isn’t something to be taken for granted. And a colleague or manager may become more understanding of why someone needs time off for fertility treatments without needing to know the details.

Talking about infertility should one day feel no more unusual than discussing a chronic health condition. While it is up to anyone’s discretion how much they want to say, the hope is that sharing their experiences comes with less shame.

Fazirah Sa’im is a Senior Advisor for Singapore at LaunchLink Comms and a mother who became a parent through IVF.