[Two Pronged] My partner is being pushed to earn money abroad due to a sick parent

• Leandro and his partner Daniel, both in their mid-forties, face pressure from Daniel's family regarding financial responsibilities, especially as one of Daniel's parents is ill.
• Leandro expresses concern that Daniel is being coerced into leaving the country for better financial opportunities, despite having siblings who could also help their parents.
• Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer advise Leandro to reassess his and Daniel's priorities and goals, emphasizing the importance of mutual understanding and communication in their relationship.

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Rappler’s People section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

My partner and I are in our mid-forties, with no kids, but are both designated contributors to our individual homes, where each of our parents still reside. While it still isn’t legal to marry in the Philippines as a gay couple, we are planning around it as we age, to ensure that the other isn’t left totally bereft financially if anything happens.

Unfortunately, both sides of our families have come to see us as a possible emergency fund. Despite health challenges, my partner and I have prudently saved, because we know nobody will come to save us but ourselves.

Now, one of my partner’s parents is sick, and the other parent is compelling my partner to leave the country to earn much more — despite having six other children of legal age who can step up to the task.

My argument is that just because my partner is the most reliable family member so far doesn’t make him expendable and pliable to their will. He sees it as finally leaving the country — which is something we previously discussed but never seriously pursued.

This also means uprooting myself, something I saw myself eventually doing, but not this year because of economics.

Your perspectives would be highly appreciated,
– Leandro

Dear Leandro,

Thank you for your email.

It would seem that despite all your efforts to plan for your future, life has conspired to move the goalposts and potentially send you off in another direction. Your account raises important issues: filial piety, responsibilities of siblings, differences of opinion between partners.

In an ideal world, plans would already be in place to meet the needs of parents as they age. Funds would be available, care needs previously discussed and organized, etc.

In your case however, as in many others, all this is only now being discussed because circumstances demand it. This means that instead of a calm and rational approach to a theoretical problem, there is in fact an immediate need to face health issues under pressure of both time and emotion.

As your partner (let’s call him Daniel) has six siblings, there is no apparent reason why he alone should be expected to be the one to fund his parents. However, we have no information on the family’s circumstances and history so let’s just assume that he is the obvious choice and instead consider the impact of the proposed solution.

The suggestion that Daniel go overseas to earn enough to cover the family’s needs seems to chime with his own wishes, even with yours, though the timing may not. If you and Daniel have already started considering it, albeit superficially, this is the perfect opportunity to do so more seriously. Set aside the issues of sibling rivalry and coercion; concentrate on turning a vague idea into a concrete reality.

And remember, if you choose wisely, you could end up not only making more money and thus meeting family responsibilities, but also living in a country that recognizes gay marriage. This could turn a challenge into a win/win outcome.

All the best,
– JAF Baer

Dear Leandro,

Thank you very much for your letter. I guess, Leandro, we should also thank Mr. Baer, for discussing the pros and cons, the reasons and the rationale of all that’s going on.

On the one hand, the ostensible reason for your problems, Leandro, is that your partner, Daniel, has parents that make such unreasonable demands.

You think so and, in my personal opinion (which I would never give you if I were your therapist but, happily I am not) I think so too.

But it is Daniel that matters most as far as you’re concerned (and rightly so!). And it is Daniel that is not as outraged by all his parents’ demands the way you are.

Therein lies the rub, dearest Leandro. This is the real reason all this is so upsetting for you: you and Daniel are no longer on the same page!

In the past, Daniel’s and your goals — both financial and long term — were practically identical, hence seamless. You knew when to draw boundaries. You both stood your ground when push came to shove.

But things are no longer the same: Daniel’s parents have asked what you feel is a tremendous sacrifice from him. Instead of standing his ground as he would have had you both been still on the same page, he has interpreted as simply a parent’s reasonable suggestions what you have interpreted as demands.

He seems to think all he has to do is to find the right job, in the right country and hey presto! Life can be good again!

It certainly can be, for both Daniel and his parents.… but what about for Daniel and you?

Daniel seems to have forgotten that you are part of the equation too,I dare say, given your agreed plans to take care of each other as you both got older, it seems perfectly reasonable to presume your major life concerns would matter more than those of either of his parents.

I realize the above sounds awfully cold. But sometimes cold and hard is the only way to evoke honest answers to painful questions.

Questions like: where would we both live? Would it be a place as likely to have jobs that validate my spirit as well as my material needs?

And, of course, the elephant in the room, “If I need you as much as your parents do, whose needs would you respond to first?”

The weak of heart will try and embarrass you by saying: “Ang drama mo naman! (Drama queen, much?) This is NOT a competition!!”

True, it did not have to be, but when the stakes were such that his agreeing that his moving to another country was the only way to satisfy his parents’ needs, then where your needs fell mattered less.

In effect, you lost the competition you were not even supposed to have been aware of.

Perhaps you should explore where you fall in Daniel’s hierarchy of priorities in greater depth. The clarity might hurt, but at least, you will no longer waste time trying to figure out what his behavior means in the long run.

It can hurt like hell, but dearest Leandro, isn’t it better to know what’s really happening, rather than living in a fool’s paradise?

All the best,
–MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Life got complicated? Write to our Two Pronged duo at twopronged@rappler.com.