Ask Rebecca: My parents are leaving my broke brother more money than me. Is that fair?

Ask Rebecca is smart, honest advice to readers’ questions about life, family and relationships by columnist Rebecca Eckler. Got a question for Rebecca? Submit it anonymously on the form here. You can also send an email to NPadvice@postmedia.com.

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My parents recently told me that when they die, they plan to leave my younger brother twice as much money as me because he needs it more.

I’m financially comfortable, but that’s because I’ve worked hard, saved and been careful with my money. My brother, on the other hand, has made some pretty bad financial decisions over the years. My parents have helped him out countless times, while I’ve never asked them for anything.

When I told my parents I thought this was unfair, my mother said I should be grateful that I’m doing well enough not to need the money. She also said family means helping those who need it most.

I’m not close to my brother, and I know it’s my parents’ money, so they can do whatever they want with it. But I can’t help feeling like I’m being punished for being responsible. It also hurts that they don’t seem to understand why I’m upset.

Am I being selfish for thinking my brother and I should inherit the same amount, regardless of our financial situations? Or do my parents have a point? — Responsible and Resentful

Families. Can’t live with them. Can’t divide an inheritance without someone losing their sh**.

Your brother has spent years making financial decisions that would give an accountant heart palpitations. Meanwhile, you’ve worked hard, saved diligently and behaved like someone who understands Amex wants its money back each month.

And now he’s getting twice as much? Who knew being bad with money could be so lucrative?

I understand why this might hurt. You’ve spent your adult life being the responsible child, the one who doesn’t need rescuing, figures things out, and has her financial shit together.

There’s a downside to being the child who has their financial sh** together. Everyone assumes you always will.

Perhaps you’re translating “Your brother needs more” into “Your brother matters more.”

Ouch. Maybe this isn’t entirely about money. Maybe you want your parents to acknowledge how hard you’ve worked and what you’ve achieved.

But your parents aren’t dividing their love. They’re dividing their money and assets.

I’d love to know why your brother is struggling financially. Divorce? Job loss? Chronic illness? You describe his decisions as questionable. Maybe they are. But is he genuinely terrible with money? Sometimes life hands one sibling a winning lottery ticket and the other a parking ticket.

Financial comfort doesn’t make you morally superior. And struggling financially doesn’t make your brother morally inferior.

Would I be annoyed that my parents wanted to help one of my siblings who needed it more? No, I don’t think I would. I’d probably be relieved they were looking out for him.

But here’s where I’m probably going to piss you off: It’s. Not. Your. Money.

Your parents can divide it equally, unequally, donate it to charity or leave the whole damn thing to the dog. And judging by how this is going, the dog might deserve it.

Personally, I don’t think parents owe their adult children an inheritance. Period. Not an equal one. Not a generous one. Not even a lousy one. Their will isn’t a popularity contest or a competition to hand out bonuses and gold stickers for good behaviour. You’re adults!

You asked whether you’re being punished for doing everything right. I think you’re looking at this the wrong way.

I suspect this is about recognition. Money has a funny way of becoming a stand-in for love, approval and who Mom and Dad like best.

Which brings me to fairness.

To you, fairness means splitting everything 50-50. To your parents, it may mean considering financial need rather than financial success.

You see their decision as rewarding irresponsibility. They may see it as making sure both their children will be OK after they’re gone.

You’re confusing equality with fairness.

Have you considered that your parents might actually be worried about your brother? Perhaps they’re lying awake wondering who will help him when they’re gone, especially since you say you’re not close.

Meanwhile, they look at you and see someone who’ll be just fine.

Sometimes parenting means helping one child more. Not because they love that child more, but because they worry more about that child.

There’s someone in my own life whom I’ve chosen to leave more to. Not because I love that person more, but because I worry they may need more help when I’m no longer around. I made the decision I could live with. Or, given the circumstances, die with.

I suspect your parents have done the same.

Now, here’s my advice. Have an honest conversation with your parents. Tell them you feel your hard work and independence are being overlooked. You could also say you’re concerned that continuing to rescue your brother financially may do more harm than good.

Then hear them out. You may discover their decision has less to do with punishing you and more to do with worrying about him.

And then, difficult as it may be, let it go. Seriously!

You’re so focused on what your brother is getting that you’ve lost sight of what you’ve achieved: Security. Independence. Freedom.

And, more importantly, what you still have. Your parents are alive, here, and presumably still capable of annoying you in all the ways only parents can.

One day, they won’t be. You want your parents to reward you for being the responsible adult. Here’s your chance to prove you are one.

And if your parents decide to leave everything to the dog? Well, I suggest you start being a little nicer to the dog.

Love Rebecca

Rebecca Eckler is an internationally bestselling author, founder of re:books publishing, Rivkah Books, and co-founder of CANREADS. She’s a professional oversharer and observer of human behaviour, and has spent decades writing about life’s messy twists. 

Have a question for Rebecca? Email NPadvice@postmedia.com or send your question anonymously by clicking here.

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