Ask Rebecca: Is it too much to ask that my daughter calls me more often from university?

Ask Rebecca is smart, honest advice to readers’ questions about life, family and relationships by columnist Rebecca Eckler. Got a question for Rebecca? Submit it anonymously on the form here. You can also send an email to NPadvice@postmedia.com.

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My daughter just started her first year of university across the country and I’m having a harder time adjusting than I expected.

We’ve always been really close. We used to talk about everything. Now I’m lucky if I hear from her twice a week. When I do call, she’s usually busy with friends or classes. Or she only calls when she’s doing chores or walking somewhere. I get it. She’s 18, she’s excited, and she’s enjoying her independence. That’s what I want for her. But I miss her.

What makes it worse is that almost all my friends have kids who are also away at university, and their children call them multiple times a week, sometimes every day. I’m jealous. I can’t help wondering why their kids seem to want to talk to them so much more than mine wants to talk to me.

I don’t want to be that annoying mother who constantly calls or makes her daughter feel guilty. But I also don’t think asking for a little more communication is unreasonable. Should I tell her how I feel? Ask her to call more often? Or just stop calling and wait for her to reach out?

I know I’m supposed to be happy she’s busy and enjoying herself, but it’s hard to pretend I don’t miss her and that I’m not upset that my other friends have much more contact with their kids. — Missing My Daughter

Parenting, huh? Such a rewarding experience.

Some days I think motherhood is the ultimate scam. You do all the work, lose years of sleep, develop a permanent worry line between your eyebrows, and your reward is a child who can’t find seven minutes to call you.

I’m not going to say, “Congratulations! You’ve successfully raised an independent young woman who is thriving at university, making friends and enjoying herself,” even though that’s absolutely true, and I could end right here.

But that would dismiss how you’re feeling. Because knowing your daughter is happy doesn’t make you miss her any less. I get it.

When my daughter went off to study in Boston six years ago, I, too, wondered why she wasn’t calling as often as I’d hoped. We had an incredible bond. I wasn’t expecting daily updates, her class schedule or a detailed breakdown of her social life. But a five-minute phone call? From someone I carried for nine months, gave birth to and spent 17 years keeping alive? Was that really asking so much?

Apparently, I’d raised her to be independent. I wasn’t, back then, quite sure when I also agreed to suddenly feeling irrelevant, which I admittedly did.

So, I do sympathize.

But here’s the annoying part. For an 18-year-old enjoying her first taste of freedom, two calls a week sounds pretty reasonable. She’s building a life that doesn’t revolve around you. Which, I know, is both the goal and the insult.

Now, let’s discuss your friends. Those mothers whose children apparently call multiple times a day. You have no idea what those conversations sound like. Some might involve requests for money, complaints about homework, requests for money, roommate disasters, requests for money, an inability to operate a washing machine, requests for money or questions about whether chicken that’s been sitting in the fridge for two weeks is still edible.

Comparing how often your daughter calls to how often other people’s children call is an excellent way to hurt your own feelings. Who needs another reason to do that?

Please don’t dismiss those conversations that happen while your daughter is walking to class or doing laundry. You may see that as being squeezed in. She may see it as the most natural thing in the world to call her mother while going about her day.

Now, should you tell her you miss her? Absolutely. But words matter. “I miss talking to you. Could we find a little more time to catch up?” is quite different from, “Apparently everyone else’s daughter knows how to FaceTime!”

Do what I did. Suggest one proper catch-up every week. Not a mandatory exercise. Just a time when neither of you is rushing somewhere. Enjoy the spontaneous calls and messages in between, even if a washing machine rumbles in the background.

I definitely wouldn’t stop calling just to see how long it takes her to notice. Don’t play a game of who blinks first with your 18-year-old. You’ll probably lose. One thing I’ve learned after six years of having a daughter studying abroad is that your emotional well-being cannot depend on your child’s telecommunications habits.

Here’s something else I do that might help. I send my daughter flashback photographs that pop up on my phone, ridiculous memes, motivational quotes or whatever makes me think of her. Sometimes it’s meaningful. Sometimes it’s something so stupid only the two of us would find it funny. But I’ve made it clear that she doesn’t have to respond. No pressure. I even have my own hashtag when I text my daughter: #MaybeApartButAlwaysInMyheart. Cheesy? Absolutely.

And I’ll confess something else. I insist my daughter share her location with me. Not because I need to know her every move, but because that little blue dot on my phone makes me feel better. Some mothers bake. I stare at a little blue dot on my phone. We all have our hobbies.

This next part is important: Your daughter isn’t ignoring you. She’s busy. Don’t confuse her independence with indifference. But don’t make her responsible for filling the space she’s left behind. That’s your adjustment to make, not hers to fix.

Go out. See friends. Do things that make you happy. Stop counting how often she calls. Start appreciating that in the middle of this huge new adventure, she still wants to talk to you. Even if she’s taking out the garbage while she does.

Love, Rebecca
Rebecca Eckler is an internationally bestselling author, founder of re:books publishing, Rivkah Books, and co-founder of CANREADS. She’s a professional oversharer and observer of human behaviour, and has spent decades writing about life’s messy twists. 

Have a question for Rebecca? Email NPadvice@postmedia.com or send your question anonymously by clicking here.

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