Shekhar Suman still dealing with son’s loss: Why grief lasts for years

Actor Shekhar Suman continues to deal with grief even years after losing his son Aayush to a complicated heart condition. His experience is a reminder that the loss of someone close does not necessarily fade with time. A person may return to work, meet friends and carry on with everyday responsibilities while continuing to struggle with the loss privately. For some, the pain becomes easier to manage; for others, it can return unexpectedly, even years later. Birthdays, festivals and family gatherings can bring back the realisation that someone important is no longer there.

“Grief is not something that follows a fixed timeline. The experience varies from person to person, depending on their relationship with the deceased, the circumstances of the loss and their emotional support system,” says Dr Monica Chib, senior consultant, Psychiatry, Indraprastha Apollo Hospital, Delhi. Excerpts:

Why managing grief is a tough, long-term exercise

Losing someone means losing more than their physical presence. It can also mean losing shared routines, emotional support and future plans. For a parent who loses a child, the loss may include the future they had imagined for them. For someone who loses a partner, everyday activities can become painful reminders of their absence. The circumstances of the death also matter. A sudden loss may leave unanswered questions, while a prolonged illness can bring months of worry and emotional exhaustion.

Continuing to miss someone years later does not mean a person has failed to heal. Grief can remain part of life even as its intensity changes.

Why everyone experiences grief differently

There is no fixed timeline for grief. Some people want to talk about their loss, while others become quiet or focus on work to cope. Neither response tells the whole story of what someone is feeling.

Grief can also change with circumstances. A wedding, a festival or a personal achievement may bring back the sadness of not being able to share that moment with a loved one. In India, where family occasions often centre on shared traditions, these moments can be particularly difficult. A person may feel better for weeks and then struggle on a particular day. This does not mean they have lost the progress they have made.

Practical ways to cope with grief

Acknowledge your feelings: People often feel they must remain strong for their families. Talking to someone they trust, writing down their thoughts or allowing themselves time to process a difficult day can help. There is no need to judge yourself for feeling sad, angry or emotionally numb.

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Maintain a simple routine: Grief can affect sleep, appetite and concentration. Regular meals, adequate rest, short walks and manageable daily tasks can help bring some structure back. If these difficulties persist, consider speaking to a healthcare professional.

Find ways to remember the person: Looking at photographs, sharing memories or continuing a meaningful tradition can help keep a person’s memory alive. Prayer and family rituals may also provide comfort for those who find them meaningful. There is no single right way to remember someone.

Accept that family members may grieve differently: One person may want to talk frequently, while another may find conversations difficult. Rather than assuming everyone needs the same support, ask what would help.

Allow yourself to enjoy life again: People sometimes feel guilty when they begin laughing with friends, returning to hobbies or making future plans. But experiencing happiness does not make the loss less important. Sadness and happiness can exist together.

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When should you seek professional support

Grief does not become a mental health condition simply because it lasts a long time. However, support may be needed when stress becomes overwhelming or makes everyday life difficult to manage.

Persistent guilt, severe anxiety, ongoing sleep problems, hopelessness or difficulty maintaining relationships are reasons to seek help.

Prolonged grief disorder is a recognised condition in which intense longing for, or preoccupation with, the deceased causes significant distress and affects daily functioning. A psychologist or psychiatrist can help a person understand their experience and explore suitable treatment. Seeking help does not mean someone is grieving incorrectly; it means they do not have to manage everything alone.

How friends and family can help

People often struggle to find the right words after a loss. Telling someone to “move on” may make them feel misunderstood. Listening without trying to explain the loss or fix their sadness can be more helpful.

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Stay in touch beyond the first few weeks, offer practical help with daily responsibilities and remember important dates. Allow the person to talk about their loved one, but also respect their need for space. Those supporting someone who is grieving may need support themselves, particularly when they have experienced the same loss.

Learning to live with loss does not mean leaving the person behind. It means finding a way to carry their memory while continuing to live your own life.