Do you know a culture snob? Here are 9 ways to spot one...

Some people seem to have already ingested every show, film and exhibition before everyone else. They’ve got a box at the opera, a seat at the theatre and, however hard you try, you will never know as much as they do. Meet the culture snob…

They saw the Bayeux Tapestry on the first day

Thanks to their lifelong British Museum membership, they skipped the queue. Of course, they’ve already seen it because it was personally rolled out for them when they visited Bayeux Cathedral in 1998. They also know the whole story (no spoilers, but King Edward the Confessor dies in the first two stitches). You, however, will have to wait until next year to see it and, even then, you’ve got a sinking feeling that tapestries are a total snooze fest.

They’ve already seen all the must-watch TV shows of the autumn

Culture snobs either have nothing better to do than watch TV, or they’ve got special photographic memories that allow them to binge-watch entire seasons and develop an opinion on them in record time. That must be why they’ve already seen all of Slow Horses season six. Or maybe Gary Oldman came to their house and acted it all out for them in the living room?

They can’t name any of the dancers on Strictly

If you know someone who quails at the thought of Saturday night TV and prefers to listen to In Our Time on noise-cancelling headphones, they’re a culture snob. For them, Strictly is low-brow slop, so don’t be surprised if you get a blank look when you try to explain that Lacey Turner plays Stacey Slater in EastEnders and Dani Dyer is the daughter of Danny Dyer.

They are wearing something elaborate around their necks

Culture snobs love a bohemian scarf or a jazzy neckerchief. Perhaps it’s because they’re always in a chilly theatre, watching a groundbreaking four-hour play about pogroms. Still, it makes them easier to throttle.

They’ll make you feel bad for having a Kindle

What is this infernal device packed with romantasy and cosy crime? Real culture snobs only buy difficult-to-read 500-page hardbacks, signed by the author. However, if you prefer digital novellas about people getting murdered, you’ll definitely have the last laugh. At least you don’t have to squeeze Mission Impossible-style through mountains of books just to get to the bathroom – or ever read a ten-volume account of the Boer War by a man called Lord Anthony Spuddington.

They understand what’s happening in operas

For most people, the singing is incredible, but if you’re not fluent or actually Italian, a lot of it goes over your head. The culture snob, however, has been to Milano’s Teatro alla Scala, memorised the libretto (which was signed by the entire cast – who are also great friends) and knows exactly when to laugh and cry. Meanwhile, you’re sitting there for hours wishing Duolingo had a Shazam function.

They wouldn’t be seen dead at Wicked

Culture snobs gravitate towards the West End but will eschew anything most people enjoy. Big-name musicals, jazzy shows, overpriced programmes, eating Poppets in the interval… all are regarded as hideously mainstream. Instead, you’ll find them in the basement of a Soho pub watching a moving one-woman show about a deaf Bulgarian trapeze artist.

They saw The Odyssey – but not the same way you did

They went to the premiere at the IMAX and sat next to Christopher Nolan himself, because they urgently wanted to see how the director would translate Homer’s dactylic hexameter into modern-day storytelling. You went to the local flicks on a cheap Monday night because you wanted to see a sleeveless Matt Damon fighting a cyclops on a massive screen.

They try to catch you out with obscure references

What do you mean you don’t know that Cavolo Nero wrote Il Grande Porcino in 1542, influenced by the radical teachings of Friar Domenico Stracciatella? Unfortunately, this exchange of information doesn’t work both ways. When you explain the complex story arc of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, they somehow lose interest…