This is how we do it: ‘After marriage counselling, she no longer wants the lights off and the covers on’

I stopped trying to initiate sex. If it passed the six-month mark, she would initiate. Like she wanted to be a dutiful wife

Kelly and I met in our early 20s in a gym-slash-nightclub – she was an aerobics teacher and I was a bartender. I remember spying her incredible figure from afar, through all the chrome decor and disco balls. A year after marrying, we became parents and the sexiness got squeezed by screaming children, bills and responsibilities.

During these fraught years, I would frequently initiate sex, but I was often met with “my hair is a mess” or “the dishes are not done” – and eventually, I stopped trying. If it passed the six-month mark Kelly would initiate, but I got the sense she was just playing the dutiful wife. She would want to do it with the lights off and the covers up to her chin.

When our kids left the nest, all of our tensions around child-rearing went away, but so many issues remained around how much I was spending and socialising. I suggested we try marriage counselling, and I learned that she wasn’t nagging at me to stop spending money on golf because she was being selfish; and she realised I wasn’t being selfish for wanting to spend time with friends. It helped me to see that Kelly worries about money, and her to see that I’m just desperate for a bit of me time amid the chaos of everyday life.

It was on a trip visiting family, three months into therapy, when something changed in Kelly. This time she didn’t care about having the lights off or the covers on. It was like the floodgates opened, and ever since we’ve started having sex weekly. In the past, when I would ask her what she wanted during sex, she would respond: “Nothing. I don’t have anything to tell you.” Now, she gives me specific directions. We are much better at communicating – even if it’s not working. We might say let’s watch TV instead.

I think not giving up on our marriage has brought us closer together. We hold hands now when we walk down the street. I feel as if I have my girlfriend back from when we first started dating – although she wears less neon spandex, her body is still as incredible as it was when we first met.

Kelly, 62

I realised our two dogs were the glue holding us together. It shocked me

A couple of years ago, I asked Henry: “What would our relationship be like if we hadn’t got dogs?” He replied: “I think we’d be divorced.” I realised in that moment that our two dogs were the glue holding us together since our kids had left home. It shocked me. As we approached retirement age, Henry felt as though we were coexisting roommates, rather than husband and wife. He wanted more of a relationship and more intimacy. I realised I needed to step up and move in that direction.

At the time, our sex life was typical of a couple who had been together for ever. It was a big deal for Henry that we’d spend such long stretches of time without having sex, but it wasn’t a big deal for me. From the beginning of our marriage, we had a lot of financial stress. As a nurse, I worked night shifts and at home I was busy attending to three children. I was tired all the time. Sex started to feel like a chore. I’ve never had a hard time orgasming, so I would come first and then count down until he finished.

Last year, we started counselling and became more intentional about our relationship. I realised I could hold off my orgasm and enjoy being together. It shifted my perspective, from thinking of sex as a chore to something fun. Another important shift is feeling more confident in my body. I always thought I needed to be thinner, but seeing this recent craze of women my age getting very thin, it strikes me that they look frail and older. It’s helped me embrace my body.

The newfound intimacy has reminded me why I started dating Henry in the first place. When we met, Henry would wine and dine me, even though we were 20 and at university. No other guy had done that for me. He was fun to be around and open to new experiences – and we’ve rekindled that sense of fun together.