Don’t you know that you’re toxic? Here's how to handle a difficult colleague

As an employee, he stayed silent about toxic colleagues and quit when he could not handle a workplace that felt like a landmine field. But now, as a business owner, here's why Kelvin Kao acts differently in dealing with toxic behaviour.

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26 Sep 2026 09:30PM

Let me introduce you to two of my ex-colleagues at a publishing company I used to work at: Harold and Felicia.

Their names have been changed to protect their identities – and my peace – but they are very much aligned with the typical "toxic colleague" stereotype.

Harold, for example, loved to yell. I sincerely believe that one of his favourite pastimes was berating people. 

If the client came in with changes he didn't like, you would hear him yell to his colleagues about it three doors down. If you so much as gave the tiniest suggestion for improving his work, you'd best put in your earplugs and get ready for the "hair dryer treatment" – a loud, heated rant delivered at close range.

Harold turned our office into a minefield, where any misstep could set him off.

Then there was Felicia – sweet and soft-spoken, but a lover of sowing discord. 

I admit to enjoying my fair share of office gossip back in the day, but when it came to workplace drama, Felicia was Leonardo DiCaprio in the movie Inception – a master at planting ideas in people's heads. She was also adept at spreading unfounded rumours and creating tension.

"Oh, I heard that Linda took credit for your work in front of the boss,” she'd say. "Can you believe that she got an off-in-lieu for that day we all worked overtime?"

Wherever Felicia went, an air of distrust followed. Conversations in the office started to feel loaded, and we started to be careful around her, and eventually, each other. 

But while their toxicity made blood boil and tension soar across the office, both Harold and Felicia were just so competent. They met their goals and did their work. 

Despite the emotional and mental pain of working with them, it was hard to find a justified reason to tattle on them to the boss.

Eventually, I saw no other way to escape the pain of it all other than to simply quit.

WHEN THE WORK IS GOOD BUT THE VIBES ARE BAD

If either Felicia or Harold were bad at their jobs, I would have pointed out their poor performance to my manager and the conversation would've been over. Bye, Felicia and Harold.

Unfortunately, real life is less obliging. Sometimes the person consistently delivering excellent work is also the person everyone dreads working with. The boss sees the results; everyone else sees the carnage it took to get there.

It is easy to say: "Just tell the boss! Call out their toxic behaviour!" but it takes a lot of emotional and mental effort to be that courageous, especially when you're not someone with a high enough rank to pull in the workplace. 

Personally, I just didn't have the bandwidth to be that courageous at the time. Nor was I willing to take the risk of making things worse, both for myself and everyone around me, by incurring the wrath of Harold or Felicia - or both of them.

And sometimes, you just want to get on with work without all the drama.

With the benefit of hindsight, I could have done more than just tolerate their toxic behaviour.

With Harold, I might have tried something like: “I know you are upset, but I would appreciate it if you didn't yell."

With Felicia, the trick may have been simple fact-checking. "Did Linda tell you that herself?" or "I'll check with her" are rarely the replies an office gossip is hoping for. 

I wish I'd had the guts and the discipline to give those replies, but I'll confess that I did find some of Felicia's stories very juicy – at least, right up until I started wondering what she was telling other people about me.

WHAT IF THE MANAGER DOESN'T ACT?

Admittedly, the practical thing to do here is to tell your manager what happened and the impact of that action.

"He yelled at me during the internal review, so I stopped giving feedback and the client rejected the output." Such a statement gives your boss something to address.

"Nobody likes him", however, frames the problem as a personality issue.

It's not a foolproof method for avoiding frustration. Some bosses will hear you out. Some will tell you that Harold is under pressure, or that Felicia means well. 

Others will privately agree with you but do absolutely nothing, which is perhaps the most irritating response of all.

Now that I've been a boss for some time, I completely understand why managers hesitate to take action, especially when the perpetrator is talented.

You worry about losing them. You worry that intervening will make things worse. You tell yourself that every team has its quirks and people should learn to get along. 

I mean, nobody tells the football star Cristiano Ronaldo what to do, right? He scores goals and wins games.

But that doesn't mean failing to intervene is right. 

If someone's performance is excellent but three other colleagues have to work around their temperament to get their own tasks done, that belongs in the assessment. Same goes for a star achiever who's doing anything to hamper clear communication in the office.

It comes down to this: If you want to build an organisation that both produces good work and retains talent in the long run, you need to call out bad behaviour.

And that means much more than simply saying: "People think you're toxic."

As a manager, I've found that the best way to address such situations is to tell the person what they did, hear their side and be clear about what needs to change.

The old me avoided Harold. The me of now would tell him: "You raised your voice at the team when the client requested changes. I understand the request was frustrating. I need you to explain your concerns without shouting at them."

With Felicia, I would try something like: "You've been passing around claims about colleagues that you haven't checked. In future, if you have a concern about how work or time off is being handled, bring it to me."

WHAT COMES NEXT

Having tough conversations is important, but what matters more is what happens afterwards.

Does the employee take it in and make an effort, or does the behaviour return as soon as another deadline gets tight? 

And are colleagues actually more comfortable speaking up, or have they simply decided there's no real point in complaining openly?

Now, as a manager, I make it a point to examine my part in it too. Are people behaving unreasonably, or have our workload and deadlines become unreasonable? Do employees really feel they have been treated unfairly, or have I not explained my decisions adequately, leading them to draw the wrong conclusions?

Those problems need to be fixed, but they also cannot become an excuse for shouting at people or setting colleagues against each other.

And if they show no change in behaviour, managers need to think about what they need more – keeping a competent worker, or ensuring a positive work environment. 

Truth be told, that's a hard decision to make. But don't think every difficult person is beyond help. 

I have had my own moments of defensiveness and impatience, and I would hate to be judged forever by the worst of them. 

But that generosity has to extend to the people on the receiving end of the toxic behaviour as well. And sometimes, managers do need to detox their workplaces.

Kelvin Kao is the co-owner of a creative agency.

If you have an experience to share or know someone who wishes to contribute to this series, write to voices [at] mediacorp.com.sg (voices[at]mediacorp[dot]com[dot]sg) with your full name, address and phone number.