Dancing with the Stars season 35 recap: holes start to show

You know the trope when reality competitions tend to include a soundbite to the effect of “this week is the most important yet” every single week? As if the weeks prior have meant nothing? I am surprised it doesn’t appear often on Dancing with the Stars, as week two is always a stronger calibrator for the season ahead.

Think about it: for the first dance, the duos have upwards of three weeks to prepare and understand the fundamentals to perform their best on premiere night. Week 2? It’s back to the seven-day-only grind. The lessons have to be faster and the absorption has to be immediate. 

With many pairings this week, there are some to worry about with their newer, speedier schedule. Let it be said: the boring, forgettable men have become even more boring and forgettable.

Let me start by saying Julia Stiles and Ezra Sosa seemed to have an off performance. While she stumbled a smidge, her sultry tango showed even more confidence in her reentering the fame spotlight.

She received a 16, but her clear passion for succeeding and the love she has for Ezra shows that she will continue to push forward in this competition. Dare I say, she’s the Elaine Hendrix of this season. Elaine was a bit iffy in the first few weeks, but after the initial hurdle, she soared all the way to the finale.

With Julia’s second-week-slump out of the way, I worry for Jackson and Tyler’s success in this competition. What they delivered was either remarkably unremarkable (Jackson, dressed as a tube of Colgate, dancing a foxtrot devoid of any emotion. I’m convinced his career began as a stock photo model for frames on sale at HomeGoods.) or unintelligible as a proper dance.

Somewhere, Len Goodman scratched the phrase “There was no content” into the side of his coffin after watching Tyler’s America’s Got Talent gymnastics routine. This show teaches us every year that boring is less valuable than beloved, so these two need to figure out how to be engaging, and fast.

Speaking of, I give Guillermo credit that there was a clear improvement in his technique in between episodes, especially considering the difference in teaching time. His paso doble was in sync with Witney and had a clear sense of presence. Carrie Ann appreciated the actual content in the dance, which was the most impressive. It wasn’t showy and filled with bits (looking at you, Sharna.), but instead actual paso content. 

[Side note: Why do viewers enjoy laughably bad men more than laughably bad women? Giada de Laurentis went home this week with a totally serviceable salsa and seemed very shaken by her scores because she is clearly putting in the effort. Meanwhile, Guillermo does worse and is the bell of the ball. Must the beloved bad dancers be dads? Must they have a round tummy? What is the key to lasting when you are unavoidably bad?]

The second week slump also hit our professional dancers quite hard. I have always found it problematic when people scream and shout about “professional” dancers joining the show. How is that fair? They already dance! That shouldn’t be allowed! says the commenter warming up their fourth Healthy Choice meal of the day.

That argument has never tracked in my mind and this week is further proof. Jenna Dewan’s opening jive was technically sound but instantly forgettable. She doesn’t seem in it, Val seems bored not being able to properly teach, and the whole audience is just sort of…fine with it? I don’t see her going as far as some might expect.

Elsewhere, the cringiest performance of the night went to, again, a professional dancer. Harry and Jenna performed a Viennese Waltz set to “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls (Sorry, but that’s funny as hell) in which the pair performed numerous chunks of contemporary choreography and Harry screamed bloody murder at the camera. Did anyone ask for that? Their scores went down week to week (with the judges visibly confused) and it has given me an ick I’m not quite sure I’ll be able to shake off for the rest of the season.

My standout of the night was Amber and Pasha’s eclectic tango. Mama, Amber saw she was dancing to music from Heated Rivalry and she locked the fuck in. Just as the judges commented, kudos to Pasha’s truly stunning choreography, because Amber was flinging around that ballroom (again, in pure content fashion) like she owned the place. The key to Amber’s success is going to be to make it queer, and honey, I live.

Other highlights included Ezra and Daniella’s rip-roaring cha-cha, Tatyana and Jan’s recovery foxtrot (great extensions!), and Ciara and Brandon’s confident tango.

Yet what I’m left with from this episode is the way the second week of the show always shows a glimmer of the elimination pattern for the weeks ahead. Seeing the pairs for a second time starts to make the holes obvious, and if I were Tyler or Jackson, I’d be running to Home Depot to buy some plaster to fill them.

Some stray sequins:

• The timing was better this week’s episode, still having proper time for the elimination, but did we really need that cold open? DWTS has never done well with a comedic cold open, and this week’s entry didn’t do the show any favors.
• After the opening troupe moment, Carter looked right down the barrel of the camera and, I swear to god, he looked at me as if to say I need a perm. Maybe I will, talented sir!
• Ezra and Daniella are quickly pissing me off because they are gorgeous and talented. That’s not allowed per the Bible! And the Quran! I think!
• Ezra Sosa, if you don’t want to grab dinner, perhaps you could do a little makeup tutorial for me? I dunno, just spitballing here!

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