How to share tough feedback: 4 questions to ask before speaking up

All too often, people don’t want to relay a difficult but necessary truth. A 2022 study tested whether people would speak up if they saw something amiss. In the study, research assistants asked people to fill out a survey while the assistants had a blob of lipstick or food on their faces. Less than 3 per cent of those surveyed pointed it out.

Vanessa Bohns, a professor of organisational behaviour and social psychology at Cornell University, says being honest is hard for many of us “because we don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings.” In her new book Should I Say Something?, she has developed four questions to help us figure out when to say something– and when to zip it.

IS MY ADVICE OR FEEDBACK BENEFICIAL?

If your candid words will really help a person, whether in the moment or later on, it’s often worth enduring the discomfort of sharing, Dr Bohns said. “You can ask yourself, ‘If the situation was reversed, would I want someone to tell me?’” she said. “If we’re doing something wrong or something that’s annoying to other people, we overwhelmingly want to know.”

WHAT IF I WASN'T THE MESSENGER?

Here’s a quick method to determine whether you should be honest: Imagine that another person will give the feedback instead of you – “someone who is really good at it, so now you can avoid all the discomfort,” Dr Bohns said. Now that you’ve removed yourself from the situation, do you still feel that the person should receive the feedback?

If so, “that’s an indicator that something should really be said,” she explained. “And maybe you’re the person to say it.”

IS NOW THE RIGHT TIME TO SHARE?

Emma Levine, a professor of behavioural science at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business who studies honest communication, said part of the art of disclosing negative information was not whether to share it, but when to share it.

If you’re the one providing a critique, first ask people whether they want your advice. If they say no, that suggests that they aren’t ready to really hear it and use it, Dr Levine said.

IS THE ADVICE ACTIONABLE?

Don’t give feedback if there’s nothing the person can do with it, both experts said. Instead, be as specific as possible, and “offer someone a plan or a path forward,” Dr Bohns advised. And it’s okay to hold back when honesty “will lead to emotional harm without instrumental value,” Dr Bohns said.

The older I get, the more I appreciate candor. If you ever tell me I have food on my face, I’ll thank you profusely.