Arvind Swamy says wife Aparna is ‘bubbly and energetic’: ‘I am introverted, need my space’

Actor Arvind Swamy has opened up about his marriage, his equation with his wife Aparna Mukerjee and the understanding that keeps their relationship strong. Describing himself as an introvert and his wife as an outgoing, bubbly and energetic person, the Meiyazhagan actor spoke about how they have learnt to respect each other’s differences, give each other space and trust each other’s judgement. He also opened up on parenting, saying that children may remember how their parents treated them far more than the sacrifices they made for them.

In a conversation with Gobinath, Arvind Swamy said Aparna is very different from him when it comes to their personalities. While he considers himself an introvert, he described his wife as someone who is naturally social and comfortable around people.

“My wife knows me. She talks a lot. She is a very extroverted person. She is friendly with everyone. Everyone likes her. She is a very bubbly and energetic character. I am very introverted. I am extroverted when it comes to my friends; otherwise, I am a very quiet person. I don’t engage a lot,” he said.

According to Arvind, understanding this difference has helped them give each other the space they need. He said Aparna does not force him to attend social gatherings when she knows he would rather stay away.

“She knows that I need the space, so she won’t force me to come. This usually happens. There is not much pressure,” he said.

However, there are times when she tells him that it would be nice if he accompanied her. The actor said he trusts her enough to understand that such a request usually has a reason behind it.

“At times, she says that it would be nice if I come. I trust her that she has put a lot of thought into it. I trust that it is important to her, so I would go,” he said.

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The actor said he can also recognise when his presence is important at a family function, birthday or another occasion.

“I have analysed it, and there seems to be an obligation or a requirement behind wanting me to come, either for a function, event or a birthday. If they call me to meet family or anyone, I have that trust. I won’t say that I won’t come,” he said.

Arvind said such requests should not become a source of resentment or something partners keep track of.

“We must not register it like an obligation. If you want to go, you can go. If not, you can tell them. There should not be any issue because of this. Similarly, I would be happy. She can be happy only if I can be happy; I can be happy only if she is happy,” he said.

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Arvind Swamy believes that partners need to complement each other and be willing to acknowledge their mistakes.

“Both must complement each other. When you make a mistake, you must have the courage to admit it. There must be a positive contribution, where you suggest an alternative to the other person. Similarly, they must be understanding of each other as well,” he said.

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Arvind Swamy on parenting

The actor also spoke about how stress from work and other responsibilities can affect family relationships. He admitted that there was a point when the pressure he carried would spill over into his interactions with his children.

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“At one point, due to a lot of tension and pressure, when I am with my kids, the tension and pressure gets translated into the relationship,” he said.

He explained that people can unconsciously transfer their stress to those around them.

“When she sees me, I would either be irritated or preoccupied, or I might be in a situation where I have to address a few important things. We will unconsciously transfer it. The kids or people around us will feel that,” he said.

Arvind said he eventually realised that taking care of himself was important not just for his own well-being but also for his relationships. “Only if I take care of myself and be happy can I transfer this happiness. I understood that after a long time.”

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The actor, however, does not believe that being responsible towards a family means giving up every personal need.

“The mindset of having to sacrifice everything — ‘Let me work out for an hour’ or ‘I have to get some fresh air’ — all this is important for sanity. When you come back from this, your interaction will be better with the people around you. If you constantly live in tension, how will your interaction be? Everything will be work-related problems, everything will be an interference. You will be giving out these messages,” he said.

‘Your kids will only remember how you spoke to them’

Arvind Swamy went on to speak about what children eventually remember about their parents. He said parents may spend years thinking about the sacrifices they made, while children may remember something much more basic — how their parents spoke to them.

“Thirty or 40 years will pass by quickly. At that point, you might not be working. At that point, your kids will only remember that whenever they tried to speak to you, you only spoke out of irritation,” he said.

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He pointed out that parents can become focused on the hard work they put in for their children without realising that their children may have a very different memory of those years. “You will be thinking of all the hard work you put in. You will be thinking that you sacrificed your happiness for them. This disconnect — you would have worked and done stuff, but could have spoken to me with a smile. Isn’t that what makes them happy?”

According to Arvind, this difference in perspective is often at the heart of the disconnect between parents and children.

“So this disconnect happens because people have different perspectives. How much I have sacrificed is not what’s important. Do what is important to you,” he said.

He believes making time for things that bring personal happiness or peace is important because otherwise that frustration can spill over into relationships.

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“For that, do whatever makes you feel better. You have to allocate some time to it. If not, you will be transferring all that to others,” he said.

Arvind Swamy’s first marriage, children and custody

Arvind Swamy married Gayathri Ramamurthy in 1994. The couple have two children, daughter Adhira and son Rudra. They separated in 2003 and later sought divorce by mutual consent. During the divorce proceedings, the couple agreed that their children would remain in the actor’s custody, while Gayathri would have visitation rights. Their divorce was granted in 2010.