The popular travel trends that make you look 'naff' at the airport: Airline staff and fellow fliers are secretly looking down on you for these three no-nos

Going on holiday? Hiding among the tourists – and perhaps even some of your friends – there’s a certain strain of know-all traveller who might bore you to death. But how do you pick them out of the crowd? Let’s check in and find out…

They pack ridiculously light.

If you spot someone looking askance at your large suitcase, chances are they’re a travel snob. They would never dream of packing more than two-and-a-half pairs of pants and a toothbrush, and their bag is so compact that it can slot into the cupholder of their seat on the plane. Amazingly, it also extends out into a bed and a dining table for six.

They always get a better deal. 

Most civilian tourists don’t really think about holidays until the Jet2 ads launch on Boxing Day, but the travel snob has insider knowledge, tons of air miles and a friend who works for British Airways and gives them free upgrades to first class. They also know never to travel at peak times (ie, the only time everyone else can travel). I mean, why go to Majorca in August when you can enjoy the delights of rural Cambodia in early May?

They sleep soundly on the plane. 

No travel snob would be seen dead with an inflatable neck pillow and a gin from the EasyJet trolley. Instead, they take a special kind of melatonin they got in America and wake up at their destination utterly refreshed. Meanwhile, everyone else will arrive half-cut with creased faces and fistfuls of failed charity scratch cards.

They sail past you at passport control.

They haven’t seen their Irish/Liechtensteiner grandmother for 30 years, and they’ve never had a single molecule of interest in them, either. But that hasn’t stopped them from applying for citizenship simply to avoid the non-EU passport queue. In fact, they would wear lederhosen and play the bodhrán if it meant they didn’t have to stand next to a family of four with a kid on the back of a Trunki suitcase.

They know everyone (apparently). 

The travel snob is so well connected that they have ‘friends’ everywhere they go. See that woman over there sweeping her balcony with a murderous look on her face? That’s Dona Maria. And there’s Giuseppe and Laura who make their own vermouth with their feet. Oh, and let’s not forget crazy Ingrid and Guðmundur from Iceland! Obviously, it goes without saying that none of these people have a clue who the travel snob is.

They’ll never go to the tourist hotspots. 

These are anathema to them – they wouldn’t be seen dead in Santorini with an Aperol spritz in hand. No, they only go to charming, undiscovered white sandy beaches that are accessible by mule. Or traditional osterias that have been there since medieval times and are only open on Ascension Day. Silly you and your fridge magnet of the Eiffel Tower!

They speak the language – or so they reckon. 

The travel snob thinks it’s very lazy not to try at least a few words of the language of the country they’re visiting, so if you witness an excruciating exchange in Estonian or an altercation in Albanian, that’s your cue to deport yourself from their presence. Of course, they’ll be very pleased with themselves afterwards, but that’s because they don’t understand the replies – all of which would make the Duolingo owl blush.

They swear by a series of strict and unknowable rules.

Experienced travellers love to create baffling dos and don’ts, then laugh at everyone else for not knowing them. No Birkenstocks in New York after 7pm. Never order the fish in Guatemala. Cover the lower third of your neck in an Italian church before midday. And whatever you do, don’t ask for a glass of Rioja in Rioja. Hahaha! Are you mad?

If you’ve been to Tenerife, they’ve been to Twentyerife

There’s no travel experience you can have that will outdo theirs. Even if you paraglided through the rainforest with Werner Herzog, or discovered a new indigenous species in Patagonia, they would have a better story. It’s enough to make you want to book a one-way flight to Antarctica. Oh, hang on, they’ve been there, too. And they’re going to tell you all about it…