Below Deck Med 11 episode 16 recap: broken

On Below Deck Mediterranean season 11 episode 16, everything broke.

A charter guest broke her shoulder. Gen broke Kat, and Aesha broke Gen, and Gen broke everyone’s brains by instantly turning nice.

Joe would have broken the already deflated blow-up doll by violently humping it.

Cooper broke Kat by inviting Joe to stay with them in their post-charter season Airbnb, and then Joe broke Kat saying he was trying to set Cooper up with his brother.

Aesha probably broke herself by saying that Nathan and Gael are “really inspiring” and “hashtag family goals,” which is why she volunteered to babysit for them. That’s when we learned Gael hasn’t had any time away from the baby, and apparently has no help at all in Croatia?

And this episode broke me by ending on a cliffhanger in the van, with Nathan threatening violence: “I can turn a smirk into a fucking frown very fast.” Earlier, Nathan said in an interview, “I can get provoked if I’m dealing with an asshole like this.”

It’s even more painful that they almost got back to the ship without any confrontation but instead Gael started one, telling Joe he acting awkwardly. Gael told Joe, “show respect to my family, and Nathan is my family.” Oof.

And in other oof lines: “I have the courage to say what’s on my mind,” said Nathan, the coward who ran from two court dates and is now wanted in two countries.

Those scenes just left me feeling gross and left me not wanting to laugh or joke about this episode. I’m also furious that Bravo didn’t even bother to do the bare fucking minimum and put up a title card about domestic violence. Here, Bravo, copy and paste this:

And then Andy Cohen interviewing Kayley afterward with a stupid grin on his face and acting as if all this is taking place in a vacuum, and rolling from the threat of violence to the striptease as if they’re all just the same. UGH.

Up until the last third, the episode did have some funny moments, like this conversation that took place while the medic was on board:

Gen: “I’d bang him.”

Kat: “Not now. That lady needs to go to the hospital.”

Gen: “Me too, girl,”

Or Joy, making dinner to “make up for the fact that we broke their friend,” and suggest Michelle’s “bones are probably hollow” because she just eats carbs.

Or the medic wrapping wrapped Michelle up like a mummy, putting the boat’s usual costumes to shame.

Or Joe saying, “we killed it. And nearly someone.”

Or Aesha offering, “What brings people together more than a striptease with some nipple tassels? This is so uniting,” she said, shaking her hands in front of her chest like she had maracas.

Or Captain Sandy asking, “How bad can this be?” before Joe dry humped a blow-up doll and Massi completed the Eiffel Tower, fulfilling his French destiny.

Or Kat saying, “Gen used to be a good stew, who was negative. Now she’s just a lazy stew, who is also negative.” Kat finally had enough, telling Gen, in the most professional way possible, to STFU.

Gen ran to Aesha, who refused to let Gen play victim. “You have been kind of the common denominator in a lot of the issues. So maybe this is a teaching moment and a moment for you to see where you need to grow as a person as well,” Aesha said. “You do need to take some accountability.”

And then Gen did a 180 and cartoon birds were flying around her as she sang and danced and cleaned the whole yacht. “I just want to say I appreciate how you’ve held me accountable,” Gen told Kat, which seemed vaguely plausible until Gen outright lied by telling Kat that she’d told Aesha “I’ve had the best conversations with Kat.” To go from tattling to that is a heck of a swing.

Before we break from this broken episode, a few more things:

• The guests left a $23,500 tip, and Massi asked, “How big would it be without broken spaghetti shoulder?” He wanted to know what had been subtracted: “How much is broken shoulder?” Maybe we should probably ask the production company’s insurance company?
• “My mom usually does it for me,” Cooper said, and I’ll leave out what he was talking about just to make that even weirder.
• It’s not making his bed; Joe does that for Cooper.
• Do the men on this ship do anything? Luke couldn’t even give himself his own hand job.

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