QUENTIN LETTS: Burnham's so passive, indecisive, bland. No wonder he's got Boston Consulting to write his Ten-Year Plan
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Andy Burnham was taking PMQs for only the sixth time. Well before the end of the session the chamber started to empty. MPs no longer find him riveting. Perhaps they never did.
Mr Burnham’s supporters say he is a people-pleaser, an ordinary Joe, empathetic, heart in the right place; but he is also a bore.
What does he believe? What makes him angry? Why did he topple Sir Keir Starmer? How will he alter taxes and spending? After six PMQs we know no more than when he sauntered up Downing Street in July after ousting the nasal knight.
Has he a lively wit? A good brain? He says ‘er’ a lot. He avoids most policy detail. The one moment he actually sounded engaged was when he was discussing buses. The rest of the time he was passive, uncontentious, a blunt pencil, a blob of boneless chicken. I have known potato soup with more bite. Stronger tapioca.
PM Andy is amiable. He absorbs punishment. He slowly moves his head from side to side as he listens to questions. Indecision encases him. It serves the function of an amniotic sac, protecting him from the outside world.
Kemi Badenoch had several kicks. The first was at his Ten-Year Plan. Was it true that Eyelashes was in such trouble devising material for the plan that he had asked the Boston Consulting Group to help write the blessed thing? PM Burnham smiled, shuffled up to the despatch box, and mumbled through something about how he was ‘determined to show leadership’. His manner was apologetic. He did not deny that those consultants were writing his plan for him. He just bumbled and burbled away, using 20 words where two might have sufficed. He employed expressions such as ‘if I might say so’ and ‘if I could just finish the point’. Dynamic, efficient premiers do not say such things.
Andy Burnham’s supporters say he is a people-pleaser, an ordinary Joe, empathetic, heart in the right place; but he is also a bore, writes Quentin Letts
Mrs Badenoch jabbed him several more times. It made for uncomfortable sport, for Mr Burnham seemed to have little heart for argument. She teased him about his government’s inertia. The one thing it had announced was merging the driving licence authority with the vehicle standards agency. Opposition MPs whooped in sarcastic awe at this achievement. Mr Burnham didn’t seem to mind the mockery. Labour backbenchers did, though. They could have done with him producing a retaliatory zinger.
Zinger came there none. The best Mr Burnham managed was a claim that the recent Budget had been ‘the most popular Budget for a number of years’. That at least won a laugh.
Labour MPs sat largely in silence. Ministers frowned and gazed at their toes. Sir Chris Bryant, Northern Ireland Secretary, in a purple velvet waistcoat, went through the agonising process of eating a yawn. The only person on the front bench to show much animation was a broad-chested whip, Gregor Poynton, who is a perpetually jolly presence and looks like a rugby player. The rest of them were glum – even more so when Mrs Badenoch teased the muddle over North Sea drilling. Energy Secretary Miatta Fahnbulleh again came in for ridicule, Mrs Badenoch claiming that she was only in the job because the Culture Secretary had turned it down.
Talking of Cabinet losers, Lucy Powell was absent. Normally she bags a prime spot near Mr Burnham. Perhaps she felt it wise to stay away after the monstering she received in recent TV interviews when she tried to defend the 2015 interview Ed Miliband did with a certain Russell Brand. Red Ed was not in the chamber for PMQs, either.
The House winced at some of Mrs Badenoch’s direct sallies. Mr Burnham – more bland than Brand – just looked sad. For a man who so efficiently slotted Sir Keir, he does seem remarkably docile. As he left the chamber at the end of a bloodless session he tried to pat the Speaker on the arm. The Speaker did not acknowledge it. Mr Burnham shuffled back to his office alone.
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