Richmond upon Thames: it is Britain’s happiest place to live – but there’s a big catch

Age: At the beginning of the 16th century, Henry VII – the king formerly known as Henry Tudor, 2nd Earl of Richmond (after his earldom in Richmond, North Yorkshire) – built Richmond Palace in what is now south-west London.

Is it still there? The palace? No. It remained a royal residence for England’s monarchs – including Elizabeth I, who died there – but after the execution of Charles I in 1649, it was sold (for £13,000) and largely demolished.

The town remains, though? Happily, yes. Very happily, as it happens.

I’m thinking, judging by the repetition, that “happy” is somehow significant, am I right? You are. Richmond upon Thames has just been named the happiest place to live in Britain.

By whom? By Rightmove.

The property portal? The same. They do an annual survey to update their “happy at home index”, asking respondents about issues such as local services, shops and restaurants, green spaces and so on.

Richmond Park? A good example of a green space, yes.

And why are the people of Richmond upon Thames so happy? Colleen, a property expert at Rightmove, points to the eating-out options, employment opportunities …

It’s because they’re rich, isn’t it? And the mayor, Nancy Baldwin, says: “Above all, it is our people and communities that make Richmond special.”

It’s because they’re rich, isn’t it? It’s even in the name! True – £13,000 may have bought you a palace in 1649, but it doesn’t go far in Richmond these days.

Go on. [Looking on Rightmove] So this rather lovely Georgian house is £25m. But that does include kitchen appliances. No? How about a six-bedroom Victorian house for £15m?

A bit lower, please. Ah, here’s one just over the river in Teddington, for £49,500 … oh, it’s a garage.

What’s the average asking price for a home in the borough? Over £1m.

And the whole of the UK? About £378,000.

And where else is high on the list? Happy Harrogate at No 2, then Smiling Cirencester at No 3.

How about outside England? The highest-ranked places in Wales and Scotland are Monmouth and Kirkcaldy.

What about famous happy neighbours, when I move in (to my garage)? So many in Richmond. Sir David Attenborough, Zendaya and Tom Holland, Gary Lineker, Jerry Hall, Richard E Grant …

Lucky they don’t behead traitors any more. Eh? Oh I see, you’re tidily looping back to Charles I, even if he was executed in Westminster, several miles downstream.

Do say: “Look! A deer in the park! Yay! I’m so happy!”

Don’t say: “Sorry, what? I can’t hear a word you’re saying with these planes coming in to land at Heathrow every two minutes.”