The most terrifying part of DWTS 35’s Horror Movie Night? Not the double elim!

[Editor’s Note: Please read the entire following recap in the voice of Paul Lynde]

Well, it looks like the costumes weren’t the scariest thing about Halloween Night in the Dancing with the Stars ballroom. In fact, what left me shaking and shrieking were the judges’ scores. 

Shirley Ballas, grand dame of the competitive ballroom scene, head judge on Strictly Come Dancing, and Mark Ballas’ mother, was the guest judge bringing a critical heft to the judges panel the likes of we haven’t seen since Len Goodman’s passing. Especially since many who have jumped on the DWTS bandwagon did so after Goodman left the show, no one has seen commentary like Shirley’s ever on DWTS.

Darling, she did not come to play. From her ominous opening monologue highlighting her use of the ‘2’ paddle to the first dance of the night receiving a ‘4’ (we’ll get to that later), the cast was visibly scared over Mrs. Ballas’ presence underneath the mirrorball moon. 

While I expected Shirley to be ruthless, I was shocked at her judging throughout. It also felt that she synced up via a Pluribus-like hive mind mentality as a majority of the judging tonight made little to no sense.

Take Harry and Jenna, for example. Their Saw-themed contemporary routine was, in a word, boring. Harry continues to overact in all of his dances, with this being no exception. Yet the choreography itself felt more like a showcase for Jenna than anything else. My thoughts on then mismanaged spotlight continued on in the Skybox, with Jenna being the only one to really talk with Julianne before and after they were given the first perfect score of the season. That was a 40?! Nah, thanks though, but I’m good.

Meanwhile, Amber and Pasha performed a Black Swan-inspired Argentine tango that had my jaw on the floor. I gasped. I cheered. I screamed the phrase “Oh my god, her leg flicks, fuck!” verbatim at my television. Yet she received straight 9s. In fact, the judges sounded even bored by the performance. Huh? I want whatever Quaaludes y’all are on!

The bad scoring continued on the opposite end as well. Tyler and Shawna performed a Viennese waltz that could be best described as stiffly spinning. In fact, it would’ve made a great commercial for the power of Depends: Hi, I’m Tyler Cameron, and sometimes, the need to go happens when I’m spinning to and fro. That’s why I wear Depends, because when I’m going number 2, I can still dance a number 10! 

Shirley even had to bring out her infamous visual aids to show how Tyler was having consistently incorrect foot placement throughout, yet she gave him a 5. (For what it’s worth, the judges’ comments, which included Carrie Ann saying his acting was poor, led to Tyler acting like the biggest baby. Maybe he doesn’t need Depends, but Pampers.) 

However, something happened when Shirley was watching Julia and Tatyana dance, as she gave them both a 4. A FOUR. Now, was Julia’s dance her best? No, as her Argentine Tango felt choppy. I give some blame to the tune devoid of melody that they were assigned (see Elaine’s dance to “Gnarly”), but that was not a 4 in the grand scheme.

Tatyana’s pasodoble was even better, flowing across the floor with confidence that continues to grow week-to-week and a musicality that is stunning. The other judges gave solid critiques, with Derek wanting more power in her under arm turns. However, Shirley saw no pasodoble content (for those who watched The Next Pro, you know she wants to see the dancers follow the brief!) and gifted them a 4 as well.

The only across-the-board correct scores went to Connor, who pulled a truly remarkable contemporary routine out of nowhere that had everyone gasping for air. The flips! The storytelling! How did he jump over that couch?! It was so good and, I pray, it keeps him on the right path talent-wise as he goes back to proper ballroom dances. He scored a 37 for the night, a number so high I would’ve never assumed he’d receive unless he held up his own 5th paddle.

For Halloween, the set dressing and costumes felt a little lackluster compared to years past, especially thinking about iconic dances like Daniella and Iman’s Us dance of yore. Maybe that means the budget can go towards therapy for these couples having to cope with all the messy scoring they received tonight.

For the sanity of all viewers at home, Tyler and Jackson were eliminated as part of this week’s double elimination, which is 100 percent the correct move. Yet, we’ve hit the point in the competition where every elimination going forward is going to hurt. Well, for some. ‘Cause Jenna and Harry going home is only gonna hurt their partners’ egos.

Some stray sequins:

• As a proud feminist, I must say that Julianne has never looked better.
• Maura’s fading into the background, even with decent scores. That makes me wonder if she will be out soon. She is having the Candace Cameron Bure trajectory, with an exceptional premiere night dance and a hella boring package for the rest of the season.
• Ezra and Daniella’s dance felt…manic? Maybe it’s because Daniella was styled to look like famed Scientologist Elisabeth Moss?
• Ezra Sosa, you beautiful man. I love how you and Julia can talk like true adults when discussing stresses in teaching styles. Civility is a beautiful thing! Chivalry is also a beautiful thing, so can I take you on a date?

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