QUENTIN LETTS: 'Strengthening resilience' with gherkins and beans? In a nuclear shelter... is this wise, Mr Jarvis?

Jonathan Reynolds, Trade Secretary, disclosed that the Government would ease tariffs on baked beans, chocolate and... gherkins.

This was going to save us some 40p a week, although that figure may rise or fall depending on how many gherkins you can push down your gullet.

Filthy gherkins! Perhaps one should investigate them more closely. We can't allow Englishmen with unusual culinary tastes and Eastern European immigrants to be the only ones who benefit from the Chancellor's largesse.

Baked beans were also to the fore when the security minister, Dan Jarvis, came to the Commons to make a statement on 'strengthening community resilience'. This was a euphemism for 'hoarding tins of beans in your pantry so that when the Russians declare war on us we don't all leg it for the supermarket'.

The authorities do not want a repeat of people stockpiling loo rolls, as happened at the start of lockdown.

Mind you, beans? In a nuclear shelter? Is this altogether wise?

Former paratrooper Mr Jarvis is just the chap to give blood-curdling warnings. He has a craggy profile and peers at the world through two eyes that are perpetually narrowed. That is possibly what happens when you've spent a lot of your life dangling under a parachute.

Dan Jarvis came to the Commons to make a statement on 'strengthening community resilience'. This was a euphemism for 'hoarding tins of beans in your pantry so that when the Russians declare war on us we don't all leg it for the supermarket'

He spoke about climatic disasters. He mentioned 'biological defences', whatever they might be. Citizens 'up and down these isles' needed to be 'self-sufficient for three days'. 

This from a political establishment that has spent the past 80 years turning the once-resilient British people into a nation of quivering, spoon-fed dependents who expect Nanny State to wipe their noses.

We all needed to fill our kitchen cupboards with 'three days of water and non-perishable food,' barked Mr Jarvis. The Government was starting a 'Be Ready' campaign and he, Jarvis, was right behind it.

He noted that the motto of his old regiment was 'Ready for Anything'. He had also been a boy scout. Could the House remember the scouts' motto? Someone shouted: 'Dyb dyb.' Mr Jarvis resisted the urge to straighten his woggle and twang to attention. 'Be Prepared!' he cried.

Tory MP Sir Edward Leigh, 105, recalled that as a minister in the Macmillan government, or something like that, he had produced a leaflet called 'Protect and Survive' to help the public endure any attack from the Soviet Union.

British officialdom has always had a touching belief in leaflets.

Numerous MPs pointed out BT had weakened national resilience by getting rid of copper lines which worked in power cuts. 

Greg Smith (Con, Mid-Bucks) mentioned two villages in his constituency where there was no mobile signal, even on good days. 

Tory MP Sir Edward Leigh, 105, recalled that as a minister in the Macmillan government, or something like that, he had produced a leaflet called 'Protect and Survive' to help the public endure any attack from the Soviet Union 

One of these was called Bryant's Bottom. No one sniggered. But they might have done had the Northern Ireland Secretary been in attendance.

Oddly, cash was not mentioned. If disaster strikes and power is lost, electronic payments won't work. And yet go-ahead Treasury types think cash is fuddy-duddy. Mr Jarvis should have a word with them.

One other thing to report. At Foreign Office Questions there was an unusually specific question from Ben Obese-Jecty (Con, Huntingdon) about Jonathan Powell, national security adviser, and his involvement in the Chagos fiasco. 

Ed Miliband reacted as if electrocuted. He leapt up to claim, tersely, that the information had already been given.

Mr Miliband's junior ministers looked aghast. They seemed to think their boss's reply was untrue. A whisper passed down the line to Mr Miliband. 

He shrugged and laughed. Mr Obese-Jecty made a point of order complaining about the answer. Mr Miliband, by now standing by the Speaker, rolled his eyes and left the chamber in a high-hairdo manner.

Jonathan Powell is already in the news owing to his wife's spirited social-media outbursts. Now this. Are national security advisers not meant to solve problems rather than create them?