My friends are accused of white-collar wrongdoings. Should I ditch them? | Ask Rebecca

Ask Rebecca is smart, honest advice to readers’ questions about life, family and relationships by columnist Rebecca Eckler. Got a question for Rebecca? Submit it anonymously on the form here. You can also send an email to NPadvice@postmedia.com.

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Two of my oldest and closest friends have been accused of some serious white-collar wrongdoing. I don’t know exactly what’s true, but mutual friends are already distancing themselves. I’ve known these people for decades. They’ve always been incredibly loyal and dependable friends to me and my family, and I love them.

But I’m struggling to reconcile the people I know with what they may have done. Right now, everything is sort of based on gossip and rumours. I feel torn between my loyalty to them and my own moral compass. Do I walk away because I disapprove of what they may have done and feel pressured by our other friends to stop talking to them?

Should I remain their friend without condoning their behaviour?— Conflicted Friend

I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to begin this answer from some moral high ground. Instead, I’m going to tell you what I actually think.

Stay friends. Do not ditch them.

There. Now let’s continue.

I should make one thing clear: I’m assuming what you’re describing is serious, but not murder, sexual abuse or violence. Those are different conversations, with very different stakes, and would make this a considerably shorter column.

But you’re talking about alleged white-collar wrongdoing. You think some of what you’ve heard may be true. Some may not be. There are allegations, rumours and enough whispers circulating that mutual friends have already started distancing themselves.

I still wouldn’t. This is where I should disclose that I’m not writing this entirely hypothetically.

I have three friends who have done things that, if I only read about them in the news instead of personally knowing them for years, would probably have made me think, I can’t believe I’m friends with this person.

People stopped talking to them. Their names became dinner-party fodder. People who barely knew them suddenly had very strong opinions about their moral character.

I kept meeting them for lunch. I kept meeting them for coffee.

But one significant difference exists between my situation and yours. You don’t actually know what happened.

These are two of your closest friends, whom you’ve known for decades, and you’re currently getting their story from everybody except them.

Before ending decades-long friendships, I might suggest you squeeze in one conversation. Ask them what the hell happened.

Because rumours are fascinating. Someone says, “I heard there may have been some financial impropriety,” and before you know it your friends haven’t just done something questionable. They’re now Bernie Madoff with fake passports and left on a private jet for the Caymans with money stolen from a children’s charity.

Talk to your friends before you stop talking to them. You’ve known these people for decades. Surely, you’ve earned the right to say directly, “I’m hearing some pretty serious stuff. I care about you. Please tell me what happened.”

Then listen.

But let’s assume the worst. Let’s say some of it is true. I still don’t believe that automatically means you have to abandon them. Your friends were good to you. They showed up. They were there for you and your family when you needed them.

Does that prove they’re good people? No.

Does it mean the allegations are false? Of course not.

Does treating you and your family well absolve them if they treated somebody else terribly? Absolutely not.

It simply means human beings are complicated. Someone can be generous and selfish. Someone can be a loving parent and a terrible spouse. Someone can be honest in one part of life and dishonest in another. Someone can be a wonderful friend who has done something profoundly shitty.

Give them the opportunity to tell you the truth, even if that truth makes the friendship more difficult.

We understand this perfectly well with family. People love spouses who disappoint them. Parents continue loving their children who make terrible decisions. Siblings remain siblings after doing things that are still being discussed 20 years later. Half of having a family is loving someone while simultaneously wondering what is wrong with them.

Why have we decided friendship is different?

Apparently, once a friend does something bad — or is merely accused of doing something bad — we’re expected to unfollow them, uninvite them, stop returning their calls, remove them from the group chat, while pretending we haven’t spent 25 years cottaging together every summer.

Your history doesn’t acquit them. And loyalty is not an endorsement. But it matters.

In fact, I think friendship means the most when being someone’s friend becomes inconvenient.

Which brings me to all these mutual friends disappearing.

Some may genuinely be so disturbed by what they believe happened that they cannot continue the friendship. Fine. But you suspect some are simply terrified of being associated with people who have become socially radioactive.

That bothers me.

There are absolutely things a friend could do that would make me walk away.  If I discovered a friend had scammed vulnerable people, betrayed another friend, lied to me, expected me to lie for them or showed absolutely no remorse for hurting someone, that could cross my line.

But I’d walk away because my line had been crossed, not because six other people stopped inviting them to brunch.

So, talk to your friends. Find out what actually happened. Listen to what they have to say. Then decide where your line is and whether these are still people you want in your life.

Maybe they need the one friend willing to sit across from them, look them straight in the eye and say, “I think you really f**ked up.” And then ask, “Do you want to meet for coffee?”

Love, Rebecca
Rebecca Eckler is an internationally bestselling author, founder of re:books publishing, Rivkah Books, and co-founder of CANREADS. She’s a professional oversharer and observer of human behaviour, and has spent decades writing about life’s messy twists. 

Have a question for Rebecca? Email NPadvice@postmedia.com or send your question anonymously by clicking here.

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