This is how we do it: ‘Being in an open relationship means we’re constantly choosing each other’

When you come back to your partner, you see the person you fell in love with

Selena mentioned wanting to have kids and be non‑monogamous on our third date – I thought she was being very forward, but I was open to both.

Our open marriage goes through different phases. We have three children under 10, and when Selena was pregnant and we were in the midst of raising babies there wasn’t much time or appetite for seeing other people.

Having children has the potential to accelerate the process that a lot of relationships go through, where things start to become all about logistics, as opposed to connecting as partners. When the babies were young, we fell into the trap of seeing each other as just another person you have to give care to, and that’s not sexy. But having a non-monogamous relationship gives you an opportunity to step away from that. When you are out with someone else, you’re just being yourself, and it helps balance out what can be a very demanding period of raising kids. When you come back to your partner, you see the person you fell in love with.

Neither of us has lots of partners. Typically we’ll find one or two people that we connect with, and then get to know them in the same way as if we were single – dating, which might evolve into a sexual relationship. Anyone we see always knows that our primary relationship and our family is the priority. That’s communicated upfront so there’s a clear understanding that I will always protect my relationship with Selena.

We manage it logistically like we’re going out with friends, coordinating and making sure that, for example, if one of us goes out on a Friday, the other will babysit and then go out on the Saturday.

Of course there’s jealousy and the feeling that I’m missing out. But ultimately that discomfort snaps you out of complacency. For us, that keeps our sex life and our connection alive. Plus, going out with someone else enables you to put your needs first, which then helps you to be a better parent and partner.

Selena, 40

Dating other people was a way for me to come back to my own body after having kids

My relationship with Michael has been open since the beginning, 14 years ago, but we never did anything about it until our second child was two. After I had been birthing and breastfeeding what felt like continuously for four or five years, I needed to find myself sexually again. Sex had been tricky during that time because I was exhausted. Looking after babies, cleaning the house, cooking and then having sex with my husband felt like a pile of responsibilities. I felt as if I had no autonomy, which killed my desire.

Dating other people was like an electric shock. I still remember this feeling of having sex with someone in a hotel room for the first time. It wasn’t even that great – but walking out, I felt like: “I’m back.” It was a way for me as a woman to come back to my own body after having kids, which was so empowering. I’ve since found that it has played a huge part in awakening me as a sexual being. It has brought more intimacy into our marriage.

It was really difficult at the start, and it took many conversations, reading a lot about ethical non-monogamy and listening to podcasts. You have to write the constitution of your own sexual marriage, there is no script to follow. You have to work out every single detail. You have to be comfortable with feelings of jealousy. If Michael tells me he’s got two dates this month, I’m like, “Great, Netflix, ice-cream and quilting, that’s what I’ll be doing.”

Ultimately, being open gives an injection of fresh energy that you just can’t get after 14 years together and three children. It’s like Michael and I are constantly choosing each other. You’re going out there, having these potentially wonderful experiences with other people, and then you’re coming home and saying, “I love you. I love being married to you. I love having sex with you.”