[Two Pronged] Saving my mom from my narcissistic dad

• Carol seeks advice on how to help her mother, who is in a toxic marriage with a narcissistic father, whom she believes has brainwashed her mother.
• Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer suggest that Carol focus on making her mother's life more tolerable rather than trying to force her to leave her father, emphasizing the importance of emotional support and gradual independence.
• They highlight the dynamics of financial inequality in Carol's parents' marriage and encourage Carol to provide her mother with love and a safe space, acknowledging her sacrifices and the strength she has instilled in Carol.

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Rappler’s People section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

My father is a narcissist. I want my mother to leave him; but he has her so brainwashed that it would be the last thing the would ever think of doing.

My mother came from a (poor, very poor) rural farm area in China; my father, from Metro Manila. My grandfather, my father’s father, told him to go to China to find a wife and he brought my mother home. My mother, uneducated, unused to city life, but hardworking and determined, raised 6 children. I am the third child and eldest daughter (28).

I left home last year. My father blamed my mother, saying she was too liberal when she raised me. Not true. It was because she is who she is that I stayed that long. I cannot stand the way he treats her.

What will I do? I cannot go home just to get him to stop blaming her. Yet, I have to save her, just the way she saved me many times. Please help.

– Carol

Dear Carol,

Your parents are just one example of an age-old narrative. A richer man marries a poorer woman in a bargain, explicit or implicit, that he will provide her with a better material life in exchange for her bearing and raising his children and generally subordinating her will to his. It is a fundamentally unequal arrangement since the woman has limited, if any, means to escape the marriage but one that has considerable initial appeal, especially in societies where unmarried daughters are considered nothing but a burden on the family.

Your account of your particular family circumstances raises a number of issues, the first and most important of which is that you believe you have to save your mother.

This may be an admirable aim but how realistic is this, Carol? They have been together for at least three decades and according to you he has her totally ‘brainwashed’. In addition, you say that there is no way your mother would ever think of leaving your father. This is not fertile ground on which to build a campaign to exfiltrate your mother in the short term. In addition, do you actually have the resources to carry out such a plan? You do not say.

I would suggest that you set your sights on a slightly less ambitious target such as doing everything you can to make your mother’s life as tolerable as it can possibly be, given the constraints. Perhaps your siblings can be co-opted to join you in this task as well. You will know better than we what form this campaign should take but it seems likely that between the six of you a lot can be achieved to support her both emotionally and otherwise, through visits, outings, etc., all with the unspoken aim of showing her that you have a life outside the parental home and by extension so could she.

You can also make sure she understands that you are always there in support of her. You could then encourage her to take some steps towards partial independence, by building up her own separate financial resources, friendships etc. Between the six of you, surely a lot can be done.

Be careful however not to alienate your father as you go about this because the last thing you want is for him to react by punishing your mother for her supposed participation in any perceived betrayal. This would simply leave her worse off than if you were to do nothing at all.

Best of luck,
– JAF Baer

Dear Carol,

Thank you very much for your letter. Thank you too, Mr Baer, for opening Carol ‘s eyes to what is really going on so that her goals are more realistic and thus achievable!

Because, while it can be true that the extreme material/financial inequality between your father and mother from the very beginning of their relationship can lead to a relationship where respect and, indeed, even love could have blossomed, it did not where your parents’ marriage was concerned.

Sayang Talaga (Truly a pity, that.)

Sayang not necessarily for your dad. The benefits he received would have made it so easy for him to initiate an “equal opportunity marriage” I have no doubt the less powerful (your mom) would have readily accepted But he was seduced to perpetuating the myth that “Me-tarzan, You-Jane” was the only model that worked.

Both your dad’s and mom’s parents wanted their children to achieve financially for themselves and for the generations to follow.

The difference is that your dad’s family had the means to bring that dream into fruition.

For example, they were able to provide your dad with an education that included acquiring an accent where people can peg you within milliseconds of meeting you.

Your mom, being the less wealthy (and thus, in this cruel world, definitely the less powerful, with far less agency) could not. She only had as much agency to agree or disagree with options offered to her. Example: do I marry this man who will expect a traditional type of wife? If I marry him I can give my children more options than I had.

But your DAD’‘s ego, selfishness, and myopia could not consider the remote possibility that his behavior played the biggest role in your moving out. Your desire not to be like him was what honed/crystallized the strength necessary to repudiate his values. Your home environment was so toxic you had to move out to thrive.

In a way, sayang talaga, but only if you focus on all she gave up, rather than on what gained.

In you, she gained a person with eyes, ears, heart and mind, that could pick out the injustices she suffered.

With you, she had a buddy: someone who saw, heard, and felt whatever you witnessed of your dad’s gratuitously unkind behavior.

What of your other siblings? I’m afraid I have no idea. But my clinical experience has shown me not to expect most of them – or even one other – could be as sensitive and as caring of your mother.

What could you do differently?

Give her the freedom. Whatever safe space she provided for you. Let her feel as safe consistently and uncompromisingly as she tried to let you feel.

Let her know unequivocally and unfailingly how much you love her and how her being “poorer” and/or “less educated” and/or “less sophisticated” never made you love or accept her less.

In fact, it may have helped you love her more as a woman who, despite such few “obvious benefits”, raised a daughter like you — with a sharp mind but a kind heart as well.

May your and your mother’s tribe increase, dearest Carol. I hope I may have helped you in some small way.